The Cinema Snob (TV Series)

Bingo (2015)

Brad Jones: Cinema Snob

Quotes 

• [Bingo is running behind the car] 

  Cinema Snob : Bingo is too late; and they actually speed up to go faster than the dog, because otherwise he totally would have caught up with them. He's the T-1000 of dogs!

• Cinema Snob : Poor Bingo, all alone, causes a traffic jam clearly because he's drunk. Maybe this cop should look into that.

  [Cut to the cop drawing a straight line on the road for Bingo to walk on] 

  Cinema Snob : The fuck? I was being sarcastic! This movie is made up of actually doing all of my stupid jokes!

• Cinema Snob : While at a roadside hot dog stand, Chuckie takes a leak and discovers the secret to their meat - they are capturing and murdering dogs to use for their hot dogs. Replace the dogs with people and this is instantly a horror film!

• [First lines] 

  Cinema Snob : I may not know much about today's movie but I do know that simply calling it "Bingo" makes it a notch more pleasing than a Bingo of the Geek Maggot variety.

  [Chuckles, then starts murmuring to himself] 

  Cinema Snob : Geek Maggot Bingo... Beach Blanket... Geek... Maggot... Bingo... Beach... Blanket... Bingo... I JUST NOW GOT THAT!

• Cinema Snob : This movie was a bomb at the box office and a flop with critics. BECAUSE OF COURSE IT WAS! Like I am ever gonna sit here and say, "This movie was a hit with both audiences and critics!"

• Cinema Snob : "Bingo" is what happens when director Matthew Robbins who directed "Batteries Not Included" and wrote "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark", "Mimic", "Crimson Peak" and "Dragonslayer" decides he wants to make a dog picture. You're gonna have a very weird movie.

• [Tristar Pictures' logo with the unicorn appears] 

  Cinema Snob : First off, they lied to me. They said this was about a dog, that's a horse...

  [the unicorn unfurls its wings and starts flying] 

  Cinema Snob : Hey, whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait... horses don't do that!

• Cinema Snob : Bingo is a circus dog. You can tell because he eats face cream.

• Cinema Snob : I see they are prepping the poodles for their Tequila and Bonetti orgy.

• Cinema Snob : The star poodle has hurt her paw from falling in Buffalo Bill's well, so Bingo is gonna have to be the star of the show. Why do they have reservations about this? He knows how to fetch water!

• Ginger (Suzie Plakson) : He just needs a family that loves and cares for him! A little boy to play frisbee with.

  Cinema Snob : No, I've seen that movie!

  [Poster of "A Boy and His Dog" is shown] 

  Cinema Snob : It'll bring about the apocalypse!

• [Children jump their bikes over a stream] 

  Cinema Snob : Ah, what we found impressive in the '90s.

  Chickie Devlin (David French) : What are you waiting for?

  Chuckie Devlin (Robert J. Steinmiller Jr.) : Your farts to evaporate!

  Cinema Snob : And what we found insulting in the '90s!

• [Bingo the dog gives the boy CPR by jumping on his chest] 

  Cinema Snob : Bad news, kid - all your ribs are broken!

• Chuckie Devlin (Robert J. Steinmiller Jr.) : Don't you ever do that to me again!

  Cinema Snob : What, hide during hide-and-seek? You should be thrilled that he even knows the concept of hide-and-seek!

• [Bingo has been separated from the family] 

  Cinema Snob : It's okay, he'll be able to follow Chuckie's trail of piss. Again, I am serious - he's leaving behind a trail of piss. Why doesn't Bingo just look the family up in the phone book? He probably knows how to use one!

• Hal Devlin (David Rasche) : Nothing a little mustard can't fix.

  Cinema Snob : It's a very reasonable final line... to the dog version of Texas Chainsaw Massacre!

• Cinema Snob : Who taught the dogs the mirror prison trick? This movie is soooo weird!

• Cinema Snob : It's not every day that I watch a family dog movie and expect John Jarratt to make a dog head on a stick!

• [after Bingo's farewell scene with other dogs, Snob is sniffling and wiping his eyes] 

  Cinema Snob : I'm not crying, I'm just very happy they are not being turned into cocktail weenies.

• Lennie (Kurt Fuller) : [after Bingo barks]  He's smart too, huh?

  Cinema Snob : You think he's smart for *barking*? Wait till you see him drive a car!

  [Shot of Bingo actually driving a car is shown] 

• Cinema Snob : Chuckie's still very upset but thankfully he has the support of his loving family.

  Natalie Devlin (Cindy Williams) : So pee-pee all you want but no dog can track you that distance!

  Cinema Snob : Oh, but the dog CAN track him because Bingo is clearly the canine version of Max Cady... uh... without being a deranged murderer - *everyone else* in this movie is the murderer!

• [the thieves have a few hostages gagged and bound in the bathroom] 

  Cinema Snob : The way this movie's going, they're probably gonna get eaten.

• [Lennie has Bingo at gunpoint] 

  Lennie (Kurt Fuller) : One move and the dog gets it!

  Cinema Snob : Well, there's a line for all of the trailers!

• Cinema Snob : I want this movie to be over too, but shooting the dog is kind of overkill!

• [Bingo identifies the two criminals in court by pointing them out and barking at them] 

  Cinema Snob : Don't worry, they'll put him in witness protection by making him Henry Hill's dog.

• Cinema Snob : I don't know what's worse, the fact that the defense tries framing the dog, or the fact that it works!

• [Bingo is sent to the jail. A people jail] 

  Cinema Snob : This is the part where someone tattoos a Swastika on his ass.

• Cinema Snob : Seriously, I *do* really think you should recreate that dog slaughterhouse segment but with people. It would fit along with my show much better.

• [Bunny, the prostitute, gives Bingo a gift she has knitted] 

  Bunny (Tamsin Kelsey) : It's a tail warmer.

  Cinema Snob : Bullshit. I know a cock warmer when I see one!

• Cinema Snob : This dog remembers everything. He remembered my earlier suggestion about reading a phone book!

  [Bingo is shown reading a phone book to track Chuckie down] 

• Cinema Snob : Bingo is ratted out by the jealous co-dishwasher at the restaurant. That's a sentence I just said!

• Cinema Snob : I miss modern-day family dog kidnapping movies like "Max", which involve gunrunners, exploding cars and people falling off bridges!

• Cinema Snob : This movie is "The Magic of Lassie" but with more dead dogs and less Jimmy Stewart singing.