Jake Johnson: Peter B. Parker
Photos
Quotes
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Spider-Ham : That's all, folks.
Peter B. Parker : Is he allowed to say that? Legally?
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Spider-Man Noir : Hey, fellas.
Miles Morales : Is he in black and white?
Peter B. Parker : Where is that wind coming from? We're in a basement.
Spider-Man Noir : Wherever I go, the wind follows. And the wind... smells like rain.
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Peter B. Parker : [to Miles, after he lost his uncle Aaron] We've all been there. For me, it was my uncle Ben.
Spider-Man Noir : For me, it was my uncle Benjamin.
Peni Parker : For me, it was my father.
Gwen Stacy : For me, it was my best friend.
Spider-Ham : Miles, the hardest thing about this job is you can't always save everybody.
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Miles Morales : When will I know I'm ready?
Peter B. Parker : You won't. It's a leap of faith. That's all it is, Miles. A leap of faith.
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Peter B. Parker : What did you say your name was?
Doc Ock : Dr. Olivia Octavius.
[takes off her lab coat to reveal her mechanical octopus tentacles, one of which shoots out and pins Peter to the floor]
Peter B. Parker : Can I assume your friends call you Doc Ock?
Doc Ock : My friends actually call me Liv. My *enemies* call me Doc Ock.
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Miles Morales : How many more Spider-People are there?
Peter B. Parker : Save it for Comic-Con.
Miles Morales : What's "Comic-Con"?
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Peter B. Parker : This could literally not get any weirder.
Spider-Ham : It *can* get weirder!
[holds out his hand, which is wet for some reason]
Spider-Ham : I just washed my hands. *That's* why they're wet.
[beat]
Spider-Ham : No other reason.
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Miles Morales : What's going on with your body?
Peter B. Parker : I don't think my atoms are real jazzed about being in the wrong dimension.
[glitches]
Peter B. Parker : Look, I'm not looking for a side gig as a Spider-Man coach. I got a lot going on in my dimension, like a lot.
Miles Morales : With great power comes great...
Peter B. Parker : Don't you dare finish that sentence! Don't do it. I'm sick of it.
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Peter B. Parker : [to Miles] One thing I know for sure: don't do it like me. Do it like you.
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Mary Jane : [mistaking Peter for a waiter] Hello.
Peter B. Parker : Oh, wow.
Mary Jane : Um, I just wondered if we could have some more bread at table twelve.
Peter B. Parker : Yeah! I'm just, I'm really sorry...
Mary Jane : Oh, don't be sorry. It's just bread.
Peter B. Parker : No, I wasn't there for you when you needed me.
Mary Jane : Mmm-hmm...
Peter B. Parker : And I didn't even try.
Mary Jane : That's fine. I should really get going...
Peter B. Parker : I know I could do better if I just had another chance to give you... the bread that you deserve.
Mary Jane : Are you okay?
Gwen Stacy : Ma'am, we'll take care of that bread right now.
Mary Jane : It's been nice, uh, talking to you.
Peter B. Parker : For you they should fill this place up with fresh bread.
Gwen Stacy : [to Peter] You all right, man?
Peter B. Parker : Yeah, totally.
Gwen Stacy : Okay, good, 'cause we are not getting any bread.
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Peter B. Parker : This kid can turn himself invisible! Watch this, he can do it... now!
Miles Morales : I can't do it on command...
Peter B. Parker : He can't do it on command! But it is cool. Show them the zappy thing, Miles.
Miles Morales : I can't do it on command.
Peter B. Parker : He can't do it on command! But he can do so much more, like what else do you do?
Miles Morales : Just those two things.
Peter B. Parker : Just those two things.
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Peter B. Parker : Ah, you have a goober. Give it.
Miles Morales : [referring to the Peter Parker of his universe] Wait, no. He called it an override key.
Peter B. Parker : There's always a bypass key, a virus key, a who-cares key I can never remember so I just call it a goober.
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Peter B. Parker : [in reference to an impressive move Miles does] Ah, we taught him that, right?
Gwen Stacy : I didn't teach him that. And you *definitely* didn't.
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Miles Morales : Why do you look like Peter Parker?
Peter B. Parker : Because I *am* Peter Parker.
Miles Morales : Then why aren't you dead? Why is your hair different? Why are you older? Why is your body... a different shape?
Peter B. Parker : Pretty sure you just called me fat.
Miles Morales : No, no, you just...
Peter B. Parker : Hey, listen, you don't look so hot either, kid. Most superheroes don't wear their own merch.
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Miles Morales : Are you a ghost?
Peter B. Parker : No.
Miles Morales : Are you a zombie?
Peter B. Parker : Stop it.
Miles Morales : Am *I* a zombie?
Peter B. Parker : You're not even close.
Miles Morales : Are you from another dimension? Like, a parallel universe where things are like this universe, but different? And you're Spider-Man in that universe? But somehow traveled to this universe, but you don't know how?
Peter B. Parker : [stares] Wow. That was really just a guess?
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Peter B. Parker : All right, people, let's do this one last time. My name is Peter B. Parker. I was bitten by a radioactive spider, and for the last twenty-two years I thought I was the one and only Spider-Man. I'm pretty sure you know the rest. You see, I saved the city, fell in love, I got married, saved the city some more, maybe too much, my marriage got testy, made some dicey money choices - don't invest in a Spider-themed restaurant. Then like fifteen years passed, blah blah blah super boring, I broke my back, a drone flew into my face, I buried Aunt May, my wife and I split up. But I handled it like a champion.
[cut to Peter crying on the floor of the shower in his spider-suit]
Peter B. Parker : 'Cause you know what? No matter how many times I get hit, I always get back up. And I got a lot of time to reflect and work on myself. Did you know that seahorses that they mate for life? Could you imagine a seahorse seeing another seahorse and then making it work? She wanted kids and it scared me. I'm pretty sure I broke her heart. Flash forward, I'm in my apartment doing pushups, doing ab crunches, getting strong -
[he is actually lying on the floor eating pizza]
Peter B. Parker : - when this weird thing happened. And I gotta say, weird things happen to me a lot. But this was *real* weird. You see, I was in New York, but... things were different. Also I was dead. And blonde. I was kind of... perfect. It was like looking in a mirror. I have a feeling the thing that brought me here was the thing that got him killed. You wanna know what happened next?
[beat]
Peter B. Parker : Me, too.
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Doc Ock : If we fire again this week, there could be a black hole under Brooklyn. You see this? And this? This is multiple dimensions beginning to crash into each other.
Peter B. Parker : [eavesdropping with Miles, he makes the "running mouth" hand gesture] This is pretty standard Spider-Man stakes. You get used to it. Watch this. He's gonna say "You've got 24 hours."
Kingpin : You've got 24 hours.
Doc Ock : What this means is there could be a rupture in the space-time continuum.
Peter B. Parker : Ooh. That's bad. Actually, everything she said was bad. I was lying before.
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Doc Ock : Okay, I'm kinda freaking out right now. I mean, you're supposed to be dead.
Peter B. Parker : Surprise!
[she removes his mask]
Peter B. Parker : Oh, okay. That's... that's a no-no. We don't like that.
Doc Ock : This is fascinating.
Peter B. Parker : [she smooshes his lips] Okay, that's my face.
Doc Ock : An entirely different Peter Parker. Okay, little bit of a gut, perhaps from dimensional warping.
Peter B. Parker : Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was way flatter before I warped.
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Peter B. Parker : So, uh, how did you get here?
Spider-Man Noir : Well, it's kind a long story.
[flashback to the shockwave that brought him, Spider-Ham, and Peni here]
Spider-Man Noir : Maybe not that long.
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Peter B. Parker : I love this burger. So delicious. Mm. One of the best burgers I've ever had. In my universe, this place closed six years ago. Mm. I don't know why. I really don't. Mm!
[a chef brings the check]
Peter B. Parker : You have money, right? I'm not very liquid right now.
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Peter B. Parker : Go back outside!
Miles Morales : No! I can't sit there and just let Spider-Man die without doing anything about it. I'm not doing that again!
[Peter stares at Miles, starts to soften]
Miles Morales : What?
Peter B. Parker : Most people I meet in the workplace try to kill me, so... you're a nice change of pace.
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Miles Morales : The other Peter said he was going to be showing me the ropes.
Peter B. Parker : Wow.
Miles Morales : You got any Spider-Man tips you can tell me now?
Peter B. Parker : Yeah, I got plenty. Disinfect the mask. You're gonna want to use baby powder in the suit, heavy on the joints. You don't want any chafing, right?
Miles Morales : Anything else?
Peter B. Parker : Nope, that was everything.
Miles Morales : I think you're going to be a bad teacher.
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Peter B. Parker : What are you doing?
Miles Morales : Making you feel guilty. Is it workin'?
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Peter B. Parker : [being shot at by Kingpin's workers] All right, time to swing, just like I taught you.
Miles Morales : When did you teach me that?
Peter B. Parker : I didn't. It's a little joke for team-building.
[tosses Miles a web-shooter]
Peter B. Parker : All right, you ready?
Miles Morales : Of course I'm not ready!
[Peter snaps the web-shooter onto Miles' wrist and throws him off the building]
Miles Morales : Whoa! Whoa! I can't do this yet!
Peter B. Parker : Everyone knows that the best way to learn is under intense, life-threatening pressure!
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Aunt May : You look tired, Peter.
Peter B. Parker : Well, I am tired.
Aunt May : And older. And... thicker.
Peter B. Parker : Yeah, I've heard that already.
Aunt May : Oh, jeez, are those sweatpants?
Gwen Stacy : Yep. That's what they are.
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Peter B. Parker : And it's a "no" on the cape.
Miles Morales : I think it's cool.
Peter B. Parker : [taking it off] Take that off. It's disrespectful. Spider-Man doesn't wear a cape.
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Miles Morales : [sneaking into Alchemax] So how do we retrace Peter's steps?
Peter B. Parker : That's a good question. What would I do if I were me?
[thinking for a moment]
Peter B. Parker : Got it.
[montage]
Peter B. Parker : Step one: I infiltrate the lab. Two: find the head scientist's computer.
Miles Morales : That lady with the bike is the head scientist. I saw her in this documentary at school.
Peter B. Parker : Cool. Step three: I re-examine my personal biases. Step four: I hack the computer.
Miles Morales : It's not technically hacking.
Peter B. Parker : Not now. I just lost my train of thought. Step five: download the important stuff. I'll know it when I see it. Step six: I grab a bagel from the cafeteria and run.
Miles Morales : [the montage ends] So, what am I doing?
Peter B. Parker : [stretching] Uh, step seven: you stay here. You're lookout. Very important.
Miles Morales : Look, man, you gotta teach me how to do Spider-Man stuff or I'm not gonna be able to help.
Peter B. Parker : [swinging away] Watch and learn, kid. I'll quiz you later!
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Peter B. Parker : [by a shed in Aunt May's backyard] Oh, yeah, I got one of these, too. A little shed where I keep all my Spider-gear.
[Aunt May inserts a key, the shed lights up, and the doors open to reveal an elevator. Aunt May motions the group inside]
Peter B. Parker : [nonchalant] I mean, this place is pretentious.
[the elevator descends into a massive underground lab filled with various costumes, advanced weapons, and high-tech vehicles]
Miles Morales : Whoa! Dude, was yours anything like this?
Peter B. Parker : Mine was like this, but take away the Jeep, the plane... imagine it way smaller... imagine a futon... I feel sorry for this guy.
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Miles Morales : Guys, I got it.
Peter B. Parker : I'll go. I'm the one with the goob...
[Miles holds up the override key]
Peter B. Parker : Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
Miles Morales : Don't watch the mouth. Watch the hands.
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Miles Morales : I gotta say, you're amazing, man.
Peter B. Parker : We're a little team. Me as the teacher who can still do it, you as the student who can do it, just not as good. I'm proud of us!
[beat]
Peter B. Parker : Is there something you want to say to me?
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Peter B. Parker : We're the Spider... uh... Gang!
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Peter B. Parker : Miles, you gotta unstick. What do you do to relax?
Miles Morales : Relax. Okay, okay, okay.
[he starts humming Post Malone's "Sunflower"]
Peter B. Parker : Oh, for crying out loud.
[as Miles continues humming, he unsticks and loudly crashes to the ground]
Peter B. Parker : Teenagers. Just the worst.
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Doc Ock : Where you going, Peter?
[Doc Ock wraps Peter B. up with her tentacles]
Doc Ock : Any last words?
Peter B. Parker : [strained] Can I have a moment to think about it? You got a pen?
Doc Ock : Goodbye, Peter Parker.
[Doc Ock's tentacles suddenly betray her, which Gwen notices]
Doc Ock : Ugh! Who did that?
[Doc Ock gets pushed back, as Miles reveals himself to enter the fight]
Peter B. Parker : Miles?
Doc Ock : Spider-Man?
[Miles punches Doc Ock into the ceiling of the collider]
Peter B. Parker : [surprised] Wow, Miles! You're doing it on command!
Miles Morales : It's about time, right?
Peni Parker : Miles!
Spider-Ham : Look who's here!
Gwen Stacy : You figured it out.
Peter B. Parker : I love you! I am so proud of you!
Miles Morales : [chuckles]
Peter B. Parker : Do I want kids?
[Doc Ock recovers and throws a piece of the covering at Peter B. and Miles]
Peter B. Parker : Oh, yeah. I forgot about her.
