John Mulaney: Spider-Ham
Photos
Quotes
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Spider-Ham : That's all, folks.
Peter B. Parker : Is he allowed to say that? Legally?
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Peter B. Parker : [to Miles, after he lost his uncle Aaron] We've all been there. For me, it was my uncle Ben.
Spider-Man Noir : For me, it was my uncle Benjamin.
Peni Parker : For me, it was my father.
Gwen Stacy : For me, it was my best friend.
Spider-Ham : Miles, the hardest thing about this job is you can't always save everybody.
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Spider-Ham : Do animals talk in this dimension? Cause I don't wanna freak anyone out...
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Peter B. Parker : This could literally not get any weirder.
Spider-Ham : It *can* get weirder!
[holds out his hand, which is wet for some reason]
Spider-Ham : I just washed my hands. *That's* why they're wet.
[beat]
Spider-Ham : No other reason.
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Spider-Man Noir : [looking at a Rubik's Cube] This is purple?
Spider-Ham : No.
Spider-Man Noir : Blue?
Spider-Ham : No.
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Spider-Man Noir : OK, little fella, Kingpin's gonna send a lot of mugs after ya, I'm talking hard boys, real biscuit boxers. Can you fight them all off at once?
Miles Morales : Well, I, I haven't actually fought anyone...
Spider-Man Noir : Surprise attack!
[Miles tries to fight Spider-Man Noir, but Noir knocks him down. Peni jumps in]
Peni Parker : Can you re-wire a mainframe while being shot at?
Miles Morales : Can I what?
Peni Parker : Show me!
Spider-Man Noir : Surprise attack!
[Noir knocks him down again]
Gwen Stacy : Can you swing and flip with the grace of a trained dancer?
Spider-Man Noir : Can you close off your feelings so you don't get crippled by the moral ambiguity of your violent actions?
Aunt May : Can you help your aunt create an online dating profile so she can get out of the dang house once in a while?
Spider-Ham : Can you float through the air when you smell a delicious pie?
Miles Morales : What?
Gwen Stacy : Can you be strong?
Peni Parker : Ruthless?
Gwen Stacy : Disciplined?
Miles Morales : I don't know, maybe...
Spider-Ham : BOING!
Spider-Man Noir : Show me some moxie, soldier!
Gwen Stacy : Above all, no mater how many times you get hit, can you get back up?
Spider-Man Noir : Because when a Spider-Man is on the floor...
Gwen Stacy : - When you think you've given your all...
Spider-Ham : - When you think you can't keep going...
Spider-Man Noir : - Spider-Man always gets up.
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Scorpion : Puerco? What are you, some kind of silly cartoon?
Spider-Ham : You got a problem with cartoons?
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Spider-Ham : [after hitting Scorpion with a sledgehammer] Did *that* feel like a cartoon?
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Spider-Man Noir : My name is Peter Parker.
Peni Parker : My name is Peni Parker.
Spider-Ham : My name is Peter Porker.
Spider-Man Noir , Peni Parker : I was bitten by a radioactive spider.
Spider-Ham : [simultaneously] I was bitten by a radioactive pig.
Spider-Man Noir : In my universe, it's 1933, and I'm a private eye. I like to drink egg creams, and I like to fight Nazis. A lot.
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Doc Ock : Where you going, Peter?
[Doc Ock wraps Peter B. up with her tentacles]
Doc Ock : Any last words?
Peter B. Parker : [strained] Can I have a moment to think about it? You got a pen?
Doc Ock : Goodbye, Peter Parker.
[Doc Ock's tentacles suddenly betray her, which Gwen notices]
Doc Ock : Ugh! Who did that?
[Doc Ock gets pushed back, as Miles reveals himself to enter the fight]
Peter B. Parker : Miles?
Doc Ock : Spider-Man?
[Miles punches Doc Ock into the ceiling of the collider]
Peter B. Parker : [surprised] Wow, Miles! You're doing it on command!
Miles Morales : It's about time, right?
Peni Parker : Miles!
Spider-Ham : Look who's here!
Gwen Stacy : You figured it out.
Peter B. Parker : I love you! I am so proud of you!
Miles Morales : [chuckles]
Peter B. Parker : Do I want kids?
[Doc Ock recovers and throws a piece of the covering at Peter B. and Miles]
Peter B. Parker : Oh, yeah. I forgot about her.
