- Chanel #3: Oh my God, she looks like Jason Voorhees!
- Chanel Oberlin: No, Jason was deformed since, like, birth. She looks like Freddy Krueger.
- Chanel #3: No, Jason Voorhees. He's all disfigured from that toxic waste that got splashed in his face.
- Chanel Oberlin: What movie are you even referring to?
- Chanel #3: Jason Goes to Hell.
- Chanel Oberlin: That's the only Friday the 13th movie you've seen?
- Melanie Dorkus: I'm right here.
- Chanel #3: Yes, a totally innocent man who seemed super-nice and prob'ly did nothing wrong at all just got blown up in our living room. Bummer. Now let's honor his memory by moving on.
- Chanel Oberlin: #5, what are you doing here? Oh, please tell me you did not bring your insane and obviously blind Tinder hook-up back here. I mean, the last thing I need to see right now is a guy running out of your room with his index finger bitten off. You know, 'cause your vagina has teeth.
- Chanel Oberlin: We already know who the killer is, it's Boone! If we don't want him to kill us, we just have to avoid places where gay people go. So... like behind every Bennigan's.
- Wes Gardner: Cathy, that was the best sex of my life! I'm not joking.
- Dean Cathy Munsch: Well, uh... Seeing as you remained celibate for a full 18 years and then decided to re-pop your cherry with the most mentally ill woman on campus, I'm gonna take that with a grain of salt.
- Wes Gardner: I never knew sex could be like that. I mean, at first I was like, "Wow, she's being really loud. Are the neighbors gonna call the police?" And then I was like, "Wow, now I'm being really loud! Why am I screaming so much? They're definitely gonna call the police!" And then I just stunned at how flexible you are. I thought you had to be a gymnast to get both feet behind your head.
- Chanel Oberlin: Yes! I would like to comment. To all the so-called mainstream media... including weird websites who nobody has heard of, who use my name as bait. And to all the relentless unwashed whores on Twitter, who have taken every opportunity to mock and attack me mercilessly from the safety of their stained futons... I offer... the following heartfelt sentiment: You can all *suck* it!
- Zayday Williams: Maybe this is where you learn the lesson that words really mean something. And they can hurt people. So, you just can't always say the first horrible thing that pops into your head all the time.
- Chanel Oberlin: It's gonna be so hard.
- Zayday Williams: I know.
- Chanel Oberlin: [re Hester] I knew that bitch was a nut -burger the minute I met her! Who wears a neck-brace like that in 2015? I mean, who are you, Forrest Gump?