- Dong: I came to New York because of movies like "Wall Sugar"...
- Kimmy Schmidt: "Wall Street."
- Dong: ..."Home by Myself Again"...
- Kimmy Schmidt: "Home Alone 2."
- Dong: ...and "The Puppet Frog and Pig Wife Take Manhattan."
- Kimmy Schmidt: "When Harry Met Sally..."?
- Kimmy Schmidt: I'm never gonna get my high school diploma! I need Dong.
- Titus Andromedon: Trust me, that's not gonna solve all your problems.
- Kimmy Schmidt: Dong is the name of the Vietnamese guy in my class. He's good at math.
- Titus Andromedon: That's racist!
- Kimmy Schmidt: But he is good at math.
- Titus Andromedon: I don't make the rules.
- Kimmy Schmidt: Has everyone dropped out? I know Fatima got deported. Jason is stuck on that missing G train. Steve Harwell is back on tour as the lead singer of Smash Mouth. He's not gonna learn English that way.
- Kimmy Schmidt: I'm never gonna pass this thing if I don't get some help, especially with math.
- Sonja: I'll give you some true mathematics. The Olsen twins? They're four people.
- Kimmy Schmidt: I need a math tutor, big time. So far all I've learned is that the Olsen twins are actually four people.
- Dong: Of course. It took two of them to play one baby on "The Full House." So if we see two of them now, there must be four!
- [Kimmy arrives at Jacqueline's house in response to the text message "need u ASAP"]
- Jacqueline Voorhees: Oh, Kimmy. I do know it's your day off, and I'm so sorry to bring you back here from whatever decaying steel town you call home.
- Kimmy Schmidt: That's okay. I know you're going through a tough time.
- Jacqueline Voorhees: And it's making me wanna stress-eat. So...
- [picks up a plate containing a hamburger and fries]
- Jacqueline Voorhees: ...if you could do it for me while I watch, that would be so thank you.
- Jacqueline Voorhees: [on reversing her decision to divorce Julian] I don't expect you to understand, but I'm used to a certain lifestyle.
- Kimmy Schmidt: He cheated on you. You can't put a price tag on your self-respect.
- Jacqueline Voorhees: Thirty-four hundred. The amount the Olsen quadruplets paid me to keep my mouth shut.
- Lillian Kaushtupper: [entering Titus and Kimmy's apartment] Oof! Do not go in there.
- Titus Andromedon: Where? Outside?
- Lillian Kaushtupper: You heard me.
- Titus Andromedon: Be wary of a rich man's interest. Odds are, it's a prank. That's how I got duped on the unaired VH3 reality program "Joe Invisible Millionaire."
- Mimi Kanassis: [to Jacqueline] Well, sorry to drop in unannounced, but I got a message from someone named Kimmy. She sounded simple, like she was born near a river.
- Kimmy Schmidt: A river? Thank you.
- Kimmy Schmidt: Are we in trouble, Coppicer?
- Central Park Cop: Nah. I'll give you two lovebirds a break.
- Dong: Oh, no, it's not like that.
- Kimmy Schmidt: Yeah, I just *like* Dong.
- Central Park Cop: Me too. Don't tell the guys.
- Kimmy Schmidt: Well, Dong just cheered me up.
- Jacqueline Voorhees: Bet it did.
- Kimmy Schmidt: Enough. Dong is a common Vietnamese name. No more jokes.
- [Jacqueline is appalled at how modest Kimmy's apartment is]
- Jacqueline Voorhees: When are you seeing Logan, tomorrow?
- Kimmy Schmidt: What?
- Jacqueline Voorhees: This is unacceptable. You need to lock him down now. You'll need a condom and a pin.
- Titus Andromedon: I got treated better as a werewolf than I ever did as a black man. That's messed up.
- Lillian Kaushtupper: I'm gonna tell you what's messed up. Our bodega started selling Greek yogurt and bottled water and unexpired meats. Who's that for? They're comin', those white sons of bitches.
- Kimmy Schmidt: Well, Logan is very real. And Dong is a friend.
- Lillian Kaushtupper: How dare you. He's not just dong. He's also a mouth and a butt.
- Mimi Kanassis: All I got in the settlement was the Hamptons house and friendship custody of the Olsen octuplets.
- Jacqueline Voorhees: [on her reluctance to divorce Julian] It's not really about the money. I'm scared, Kimmy. I don't have a family to go back to. All my friends are people I pay - trainers and stylists and beauticians - and I doubt they say, "Wow, your anus really responds to the laser" because they want to.
- [Jacqueline is at her lawyer's office going over the terms of her divorce from Julian]
- Gary Dubbin: So, Julian agrees to cede primary custody, but he gets weekends and holidays.
- Jacqueline Voorhees: But that's not fair to Vera! Housekeepers need structure and stability.
- Gary Dubbin: Sorry, but this prenup is pretty ironclad. The good news is, you never violated the infidelity clause.
- Jacqueline Voorhees: But Julian did.
- Gary Dubbin: Unfortunately, it only pertained to you. Pursuant to the codicil, paragraph three, Mr. Voorhees retained the right to "stick it wherever."
- Kimmy Schmidt: Look. I'm happy to come over here whenever you want, but Logan Beekman is taking me to dinner on Thursday.
- Jacqueline Voorhees: Look who caught a whale! And with such dry bait.
- Mimi Kanassis: Well, you're certainly keeping it tight.
- Jacqueline Voorhees: I'm doing this new workout where I carry furniture up and down stairs. My trainer is an Israeli guy who owns a truck - wait a minute. It's a moving company.
- Kimmy Schmidt: Titus, why are you dressed like that? You didn't even go to work today.
- Titus Andromedon: I've decided to live as a werewolf.
- Kimmy Schmidt: Wha'?
- Titus Andromedon: It's so much easier than being an African-American man. Security guards don't follow me around in stores, dogs have stopped barking at me, and no one mistook me for Samuel L. Jackson all day!
- Dong: I'm trying to save money to hire immigration lawyer, and you just lost $200! Why not just kick me in the tooths?
- Kimmy Schmidt: It's "teeth."
- Dong: That's insane! And I never should've agreed to help you. Out of all the persons in the world, all the mans and all the womans, you are the most bad.
- Kimmy Schmidt: It's "people," "men," "women," and "worstest."