- Nick pretends to be gay to make his status as Jess's "ex" less of an issue to her new bf. To Coach's annoyance, Winston works his "Long Game" on their attractive neighbors, Michelle and Viv. Meanwhile, Schmidt panics when Cece considers having a breast reduction.
- On the morning of her third date, i.e. sex date, with Ian, Jess tries to get the guys to prepare to be slightly less gross when she brings him home tonight. She has yet to mention that she lives with her ex. That fact has been working great for Nick.
Flash to three mornings after one-night stands when the ladies start making plans, he mentions he lives with his ex and they run off.
When Jess talks to Nick later, he suggests a few edits to her plan to tell Ian about him, including that he's gay now or already dead. Jess has confidence in Ian's maturity.
Winston gets the mail for their neighbors Whitney and Michelle, as part of his long game. Coach tries to explain to him how this guarantees they will never sleep with him. At their apartment, they ask him to unclog their toilet and Coach announces he's not there for chores and asks them to hang out.
In Jess' room, Cece quietly confesses she's considering boob reduction. Schmidt hears from down the hall and bursts in.
At the bar, he explains his stages of grief over her boob plans. Stage Two was anger: "Your breasts belong to all of us! Who are you to decide?"
When Coach sees Schmidt could use some cheering up, he invites him to spend the evening with four new boobs, on two different women.
At the end of dinner, Jess invites Ian back to her place. When he's ready to bail, she borrows one of Nick's excuses.
Cut to Jess rushing into the loft ahead of Ian and warning Nick to be gay. He introduces himself to Ian as "Gay Nick."
When Ian goes to the bathroom, Nick asks Jess for some backstory. He may be terrible at lying, but he's great at make believe. They over-brainstorm until Nick excuses himself to go do "that gay stuff" he was telling Jess about.
In the girls' apartment, Coach is annoyed that Winston has also showed up to hangout, but Winston says it's the very definition of his long game. Schmidt fondles some tangerines and, thinking of Cece's breasts, offers a little soliloquy to his two "best friends," which the girls take to be Winston and Coach. Winston has to go along with it as Coach says he's going out of town for 44 weeks for his job as a sock salesman.
Schmidt comes back and talks more about Cece's breasts, as Coach and Winston continue to pretend he's talking about them. He says that people say they look alike but one is slightly more brown than the other. But mostly, he'll miss watching them bounce. The guys try to sell it, but end up getting kicked out.
In the morning, Nick knocks on Jess' door to apologize. A girl comes out of his room. He tried scaring her off the usual way, but it didn't take so Jess prepares to go in and unleash the crazy ex. "You stay here and keep your gay warm in case Ian comes out," she tells him.
In Nick's room, Jess tells his one night stand that Nick thinks they're broken up, but he also thinks the last girl he slept with wasn't her in a wig. "Wigs are so good for tricking guys," the date giggles.
Back in the girls' apartment, Coach is annoyed to find Winston hanging shelves for them. He accuses them of dangling sex to get Winston to do stuff. When they deny it, Winston questions what he's doing. Seeing he's about to stop helping, the girls confer then settle things rock paper scissors and Michelle loses. She invites him to her room. "It's OK, I kinda want to," she says.
In the kitchen, Ian asks Nick what kind of guys he likes to date. "Hunks. Ripped nerds, because they're smart but strong. I like Spanish guys. Throw in a little hint of German in there, it's a perfect combo. Certain ice cream men, carpet steamers. Sleepy guys. We in the gay community call them 'drowsers.'"
He says he's in a relationship with someone who has a nice penis. Ian isn't buying it.
Then mopey Schmidt, in a cardigan, joins them. "Hey, sorry I didn't come home last night. I just needed some space to process this whole thing. Sorry if our room felt empty," Schmidt tells Nick.
Nick takes the opportunity and asks where Schmidt was. He says he went walking alone in a park, but was totally safe. Nick says he's upset, but he understands. He hugs Schmidt and then kisses him. "It seems like you needed that more than I did," Schmidt says.
Ian apologizes to Nick for not believing he was gay. Then Jess rushes out a few steps ahead of Nick's date, trying to apologize to Ian. She kisses Nick and the gay jig is up.
Back in her room, Jess asks Ian if there was any good way to tell him about her living situation. There was not.
Elsewhere, Schmidt busts in on Cece in her surgery consultation. He wants to say good-bye to her boobs. "I can't let them leave without them knowing how much they've meant to me," he says.
She says he can say good-bye to one. Schmidt tries to decide between Harold and Kumar and she finally lets him say good-bye to both. He gives her an ipod with a somber playlist as he directs an entire conversation at her boobs, including peek a boo. Cece sneaks a listen and hears: "If I'm being honest, it doesn't matter what size you are, because I'm always going to love you because you're attached to the most beautiful person in the whole world."
In the morning, the gang waits for Winston to get out of the shower. Cece joins them and Schmidt is overjoyed to see she's still intact. He talks to her boobs. "You're still here, I saved you. I'm your Schindler. One day your children are going to put rocks on my grave," he says.
Winston joins them and they realize Nick's date is the one in the shower. She peeks out to get the vibe on peeing in the shower.
Contribute to this page
Suggest an edit or add missing content