- When Coach's liaison with the school nurse gets messy, vice principal Jess must enforce a new, "no fraternization" policy among the teachers. But the tables soon get turned when she finds herself attracted to the hot new science teacher. Meanwhile, Nick is enjoying being Schmidt and Winston's secretary, after the loft gets a new home phone.—Fox Publicity
- Jess gets a call from her Principal Alan Foster but it breaks up. They're building a building next door and it's interfering with their cell reception. Everyone ends up in Nick's room standing on his bed to get a signal. Jess suggests a crazy solution: they get a landline.
Later, Schmidt looks at the phone cord and asks "why is there a rope?"
Winston remembers how smooth he used to be on a real phone. Schmidt is excited to be so reachable. He's definitely going to mention it for his profile in "Business, Man" magazine. Nick suggests they drink to celebrate, but Schmidt and Winston are both busy.
Jess answers the ringing phone and is disturbed to learn that Coach is sleeping with the school nurse.
At school, Jess makes them fill out a form about their relationship. She notices the nurse's outfit looks like a Halloween costume. "Thank you, Coach got it for me. It's a child's medium," she says.
She's trying to get Coach to call her his girlfriend when Rose (Angela Kinsey) comes in. Upon seeing Coach she tells him last night was really fun and his swim trunks are ruined. They start going at each other and Jess reaches for the appropriate form.
At home, Nick answers the ringing phone. Later, he presents Schmidt and Winston with their messages. He's interested in the fact Schmidt is looking into getting a spoiler for his car and Winston is seeing a woman named Judy that he met at the driving range (he goes to watch). Winston shuts him down, saying he's going to break up with her.
At school, Coach is upset with Jess for putting him on blast. "You shouldn't be sleeping with other teachers, Coach, let alone two. Who are you, Blanche from 'Golden Girls'?"
"Honestly it took me a while to figure out who I was in this school, but then I finally did: I'm the guy who has sex with everybody."
Jess tells Coach that he needs to be professional. Then Principal Foster comes in to introduce the new science teacher, a dreamy Brit. His name is Ryan Geauxinue, which Coach helpfully points out is pronounced "Goes-in-you."
At home, Nick conference calls Schmidt and Winston to give them their messages. Schmidt's socks are ready at the dry cleaners and Judy called so Nick broke up with her for him. He tells Schmidt that the magazine called needing a picture so he sent the most recent one he had. Schmidt checks his email, it's not good.
Nick hangs up, saying he'll check back in five minutes.
Schmidt calls Winston, wanting to do something about Nick.
At school, Jess leads a seminar about avoiding sexual relationships at school. She tells everyone to use the phrase "shut it down," with sweeping hand gesture. Ryan is the only one who goes along. Coach sees her ogling Ryan and asks for a visual demonstration. Coach gets the teachers chanting for Ryan to join her. She can barely make it past his name.
Back at the loft, Winston and Schmidt try to get Cece to record an answering machine message, but Schmidt finds them all too sexy. Nick sees that he's been replaced. They let the machine pick up a call. It's a woman returning Nick's call about buying her custom secretary headset. Nick leaves to go back to eating his bowl of jelly.
Back at school, Coach demands an accurate demonstration involving Ryan actually touching Jess. She gets lost in his back massage, then does the phrase with hand gesture, but ends up accidentally touching his junk. She apologizes, suggesting they go fill out forms.
Back at the loft, Schmidt is angry because the machine won't play messages and he was expecting a call about his magazine interview. Schmidt leaves to return the machine. Nick tells Winston the magazine called. Winston forces Nick to admit he's going crazy about the phone because he misses them and feels like a part of their lives again.
The magazine calls back, wanting to do the interview now or never. With Schmidt gone, Nick tells Winston to turn on his landline charm and pretend to be Schmidt.
Schmidt comes back as Winston is rhapsodizing about being inspired by Carson Daly. Winston goes on, saying marketing is about "predicting desires and finding buyers." Schmidt is impressed.
Later that night, Jess goes to Coach's room to apologize. Coach tells her she's the vice principal, but that doesn't mean she's not human. She also tells him she's repealing the policy. Ruth, the school nurse, is happy to hear it as she pops up from under the covers.
The next day at school, Jess tries to apologize to Ryan, but is interrupted by Principal Foster, reminding her that administrators can't date teachers.
Back at the loft, the profile of Schmidt has come out, with the favorable headline: "Bringing Nasty Back." Schmidt thinks it's great for his brand.
Suddenly, they hear loud music from outside. They go to the window to see Judy (in golf attire) pulling a "Say Anything" with a boom box, which is blasting Elton John's "Levon."
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