Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (TV Series)

Kimmy Goes to School! (2015)

Tituss Burgess: Titus Andromedon

Quotes 

• Lillian Kaushtupper : Hey, what do you need my camera for? Are you doing some kind of gotcha journalism where you dress up in whiteface and see if people treat you different? 'Cause I could tell you one thing: I wouldn't be asking all these questions if a white guy asked to borrow my camera.

  Titus Andromedon : Lillian. I'm making a music video.

  Lillian Kaushtupper : Ooh. You should do "We Didn't Start the Fire" with updated lyrics. "Balloon Boy and Obamacare / The 1 percent are billionaires"...

  Titus Andromedon : I will be performing a wholly original song. The idea came to me in a dream last afternoon. It's called "Peeno Noir:"...

  Lillian Kaushtupper : Classy.

  Titus Andromedon : ..."An Ode to Black Penis."

  Lillian Kaushtupper : I assumed.

• Titus Andromedon : Come on, spirit gum. If you can keep Obama's human mask on over his lizard face - #LizardTruth - surely you can do this.

• Titus Andromedon : Ugh, that crown I got for being prom king was so tacky I hardly even wear it anymore.

• [Kimmy balks at accepting a hug from Titus before her first day of adult education] 

  Titus Andromedon : Don't be embarrassed of your Titus!

  Kimmy Schmidt : What if the other uneducated adults see me?

  Titus Andromedon : Fine. I hope someday when you're a gay black man, you have a Kimmy that treats *you* like this.

  [Kimmy hugs Titus, then walks away into the school] 

  Titus Andromedon : [waving]  I love you! Don't get lice!

• Titus Andromedon : Teachers have it tough. One of my Aunt Ernestines taught sixth grade. After years of buying school supplies out of her own pocket for future dropouts, she stopped caring. She quit. Wound up walking the streets selling drugs. She's a pharmaceutical rep. I phrased that so badly.

• Kimmy Schmidt : Titus, can you do me a favor tomorrow?

  Titus Andromedon : On Martin Luther King's birthday?

  Kimmy Schmidt : I'm not falling for that a fourth time, Titus.

• Titus Andromedon : I'm not a handyman, although that was my nickname one summer on Fire Island.

• Xanthippe Voorhees : I don't get you guys. You did all this for Kimmy? She's the worst.

  Lillian Kaushtupper : Sure, she's not perfect. She smiles too much, like a collie. And red hair, brown eyes? Guess God ran out of crayons.

  Titus Andromedon : But he wasn't out of whatever makes people good. Freckles, maybe. She's a good friend!

• [Kimmy arrives for her first day of school in about fifteen years] 

  Kimmy Schmidt : Well, this is it. I feel like a butterfly bursting from its crystalish and falling from the nest.

  Titus Andromedon : Yeah, you need this education.

• [Titus and Lillian are trying to film a music video in front of Skank's strip club] 

  Skank : No wonder no one's in there! You're scaring away the creeps! I'm trying to run a business here.

  Titus Andromedon : Madam, please. This is the fanciest-looking place in the neighborhood, after the abandoned chandelier factory. Let us shoot here and I'll pay you a hundred bugs.

  Skank : Did you just say "bugs"?

  Titus Andromedon : Run, Lillian!

  [runs away] 

• Xanthippe Voorhees : [regarding the party she threw the previous night]  My dad cannot find out about this. Please! He'll kill me! Or, or marry me off to one of his Saudi friends!

  Titus Andromedon : That's some high stakes. All right. I'll make you this deal. We'll help you clean up your party. You lay off Kimmy.

  Xanthippe Voorhees : Okay. Détente.

  Lillian Kaushtupper : No, no, no, this is Titus. DeTante moved back to Atlanta.