- Kimmy Schmidt: [to Charles] I thought it was weird when you said, "Troll the respawn, Jeremy," but I figured that was just a new way of saying goodbye. I've been saying it all day.
- [flashback to Kimmy leaving her apartment and passing Lillian on the stoop]
- Kimmy Schmidt: Troll the respawn, Jeremy.
- Lillian Kaushtupper: [laughs] First time on bath salts, dear?
- Titus Andromedon: Black, gay, *and* old? Oh! I'm not even gonna know which box to check on the hate crime form.
- Lillian Kaushtupper: What do you want, dear? I was "Rear Window"-ing, and it was just starting to get good. The old man on the third floor's stuck in the tub. He's starting to panic.
- Titus Andromedon: Lillian, I'm planning a seduction.
- Lillian Kaushtupper: A seduction. I remember those days. A cocktail at the bar. A conversation held only with the eyes. And then the two of you retire to the bathroom.
- Titus Andromedon: I called you because I need you to keep Kimmy and her girlfriend out of the apartment.
- Lillian Kaushtupper: Oh, sure.
- Titus Andromedon: I just need five minutes with that country boy. Or however long Kenny Loggins' "Footloose" is.
- Lillian Kaushtupper: Titus, cherish this time. Someday you'll wake up and you'll say, "Who's that old woman in the mirror?" And then she'll punch you, and you'll say, "That's not a mirror. That's an open window." What are we talking about again? Eh.
- Titus Andromedon: You asked me to help you keep an eye on Cyndee, correct?
- Kimmy Schmidt: Yeah, but now you don't need to. I underestimated her. She's got a job and a house and a guy who brings her the traditional meat and flowers of Indiana courtship.
- Titus Andromedon: Yeah, that boy's gay.
- Kimmy Schmidt: What?
- Titus Andromedon: Gay as a penguin.
- [Kimmy scoffs]
- Titus Andromedon: Educate yourself! Read a nature video.
- Kimmy Schmidt: He's not gay. Gay hasn't even gotten to Indiana yet. There have been rumors in Ohio...
- Titus Andromedon: I know small-town gay, Kimmy. Brandon has a tan line where he usually wears a leather cuff. He's from Indiana, but he weighs less than two hundred pounds! And there's a stain on his jeans that could only be from revarnishing an Edwardian escritoire.
- Kimmy Schmidt: What?
- Titus Andromedon: It's gay for "desk."
- Cyndee Pokorny: My fiancé and I have decided to return to Durnsville, the city that never sleeps.
- Kimmy Schmidt: Is that siren still going off?
- Kimmy Schmidt: What the H-E-double - No. You know what? What the hell, Brandon?
- Cyndee Pokorny: Kimmy! Don't use that kind of language in front of a unicorn!
- Charles: Kimmy, I thought that this was just fun...
- Kimmy Schmidt: Me too. I was trying to have fun, and then I made everything weird. 'Cause I'm weird. And now you're looking at me like I'm Jesus' crazy stepbrother Terry.
- [pause]
- Kimmy Schmidt: That's not in the Bible, is it?
- Charles: No. It'd probably be for the best...
- Kimmy Schmidt: Yep. Got it. Troll the respawn, Jeremy.
- Charles: Troll the respawn, Jeremy.
- Cyndee Pokorny: Don't I deserve to be happy? I'm a Mole Woman.
- Kimmy Schmidt: No. That is not going to work with me. I'm a Mole Woman too, but I'm trying to move past it.
- Cyndee Pokorny: Are you? 'Cause I'm actually doing what I said I was gonna do back in the bunker. You were gonna see the world and get an education and a great job! But you're a 29-year-old babysitter who lives in a basement!
- Kimmy Schmidt: Well, at least I have a boyfriend who isn't fake, Cyndee.
- Cyndee Pokorny: He's my fake fiancé, Kimmy. And we're gonna live a beautiful fake life together!
- Kimmy Schmidt: Good morning, Black!
- Titus Andromedon: What?
- Kimmy Schmidt: A construction worker called me Red. I thought we could have nicknames.
- Titus Andromedon: Ooh! Look at you, getting hit on by a construction worker. Meanwhile, I got undercharged at the diner for my morning scrod. Crushing it!
- Kimmy Schmidt: Sometimes I feel guilty, like I abandoned Cyndee.
- Titus Andromedon: That's how I feel about my wife back in Mississ- interesting, Kimmy, go on.
- Brandon: I'm Brandon.
- [hugs Kimmy]
- Kimmy Schmidt: Oh!
- Brandon: So good to meet you. And I've got more luggage to get. This one does not pack light.
- Cyndee Pokorny: I don't know why I brought so much pancake mix!
- [Kimmy has asked Titus not to ask Cyndee about what it was like in the bunker, but he is unable to resist]
- Titus Andromedon: Where did you go to the bathroom? Did anybody try to eat anybody? Was there ever a moment where you were like "The real prison is in my mind"?
- [Kimmy clears her throat]
- Titus Andromedon: I am as God made me.
- Brandon: Titus! When are us guys gonna talk about cars?
- Kimmy Schmidt: Huh. Titus. Brandon is into cars.
- Titus Andromedon: Kimberly, a word.
- [Titus takes Kimmy into the next room and closes the door]
- Titus Andromedon: That was smoke and mirrors, Kimmy, two things gay men love. And I'd call him out on it if I knew anything about cors. Did I say that right? Curs. Coors.
- [Cyndee's phone rings]
- Cyndee Pokorny: Ooh! It's the Durnsville Board of Education. This year, I get to pick the chapter that gets taken out of the science textbook.
- Kimmy Schmidt: [trying to trick Brandon into revealing his sexual orientation] I think I'm going to have the chef salad. Who do *you* like to have sex with?
- Brandon: Ah, I like hairless guys with a little bit of...
- Kimmy Schmidt: You *are* an escritoire!
- Brandon: I'm a desk? I - I - I mean, I - I don't know what that means.
- Lillian Kaushtupper: [stalling Kimmy and Cyndee so Titus can seduce Brandon] So then, in 1984... no, wait. Lemme back up. Modern-day Israel...
- Titus Andromedon: Am I not a pretty young thing anymore? Am I a bear now? Or, or a daddy? Or a Huxtable?
- [Kimmy and Charles are making out]
- Kimmy Schmidt: You're not gay, right?
- Charles: Straight guys can be vegetarians. Hitler was a vegetarian.
- Brandon: Dude, I think it's great the strides you gays have made.
- Titus Andromedon: You cut it out. I know that straight act is just a - what's that Stanley Donen movie with, uh, Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn?
- Brandon: Uh, "Charade"?
- Titus Andromedon: Aha!
- Mikey Politano: 'Scuse me, pal? Sorry to bother you, but - well, the last couple of days I've been asking myself some tough questions about how I treat women.
- Titus Andromedon: Interest level exceeded.
- Kimmy Schmidt: Listen to me: Don't listen to me. You get to live your life the way you want. That's the whole point of not being in a bunker. No one gets to tell you what to do. And I think part of me is jealous of you, 'cause you really do have everything you want. You just took a shortcut to get there, and I can't do it that way.
- Cyndee Pokorny: You're gonna take the road less traveled!
- Kimmy Schmidt: I guess so, Cyndee.
- Cyndee Pokorny: Even though that's exactly how you got kidnapped!
- Titus Andromedon: Are you asking me out, you tasty little Bob the Builder?
- Mikey Politano: Yeah. I am.
- [Titus takes off his "Cosby sweater," revealing a T-shirt that says "Baby Slut," and throws the sweater into a trash bin]
- Titus Andromedon: You can't handle this yet.
- [walks away]
- Titus Andromedon: Still got it!
- [turns back]
- Titus Andromedon: Call me in ten years.
- Mikey Politano: [pointing to his construction project] This is actually supposed to take that long, so...