Walden Schmidt: When I think of the ten things I want in a wife, you have nine of them. You're my best friend, you're trustworthy, you're loving, you're smart, you'll never leave me.
Alan Harper: Married or not, till death do us part.
Walden Schmidt: You're funny, you're understanding. You don't care if I leave the toilet seat up.
Alan Harper: I actually prefer it. Although the other night I forgot it was up and I had a surprise splash-down. I was like a turtle on its back.
Walden Schmidt: Right there, that's another one. As long as you're around, I will never be the most awkward guy in the room.
Alan Harper: So what's the one thing you want in a wife that I don't have?
Walden Schmidt: [look]
Alan Harper: Oh, right, right. I do not have one of those. I barely have one of these.