Yahtzee: I'll keep the plot summary of Phantom Hourglass short because I'm sure all you clever, college-educated nerds could hazard an accurate prediction as to the main elements. Princess Zelda gets herself into a pickle and has to be unpickled by the hero, who is called Link on the few occasions when I feel mature enough to not abuse the "enter your name" feature and Fagballs at all other times. Fagballs starts off with just a sword and has to fight his way through quests to collect tools that will open new ways to go, including a boomerang, a bow, a grappling hook, blah, blah, blah, yeah, we've all been here before. To find out what's new, we have to cross over into the realm of the hardware billies, because this is the first major Zelda title on the DS and is controlled almost entirely with the touch screen. For the most part the movement feels natural, and there's something about being able to scribble all over my maps that I found very therapeutic. The reverse effect is offered, however, by the blatant shoehorning of the DS's other exotic functions into gameplay, such as when you have to yell at the top of your voice into the microphone. Doing such a thing while out and about - which I remind you is what handhelds are for - would probably cause your own major organs to physically tear themselves from your body to escape humiliation.