- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: [to Kathie Lee, in the square next to him] Regis and I have a lot in common: We both broke up with our bitches this year.
- Tom Bergeron: We know you're very concerned with personal grooming.
- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: I lick myself from time to time.
- Tom Bergeron: Does Dog Fancy Magazine say that you should shave a dog's coat in the summer to keep it cool, Triumph?
- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Listen, listen, I do not believe in dogs being shaved. Now shaving a pussy... cat, on the other hand...
- [audience laughter/ohs]
- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: A pussycat! I said a pussycat! That's all right!
- Al Roker: [smacking Triumph with a rolled up newspaper] Bad dog! Bad dog! Bad! Bad dog! Bad dog! Bad dog!
- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: I said "shaving a pussycat". By the way, by the way, thanks for sitting me next to Roker. It's the first time no one's going to blame me for farting.
- [more audience laughter]
- Al Roker: [hits Triumph again] Bad dog! Bad dog!
- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Bring it on! Bring it on, man!
- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Listen to me: "The Sopranos" is the best, as everyone knows, show on television. Yes? For me to poop on!
- Vincent Pastore: Can you believe that?
- Tony Sirico: Open your mouth, Triumph.
- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: What?
- [Tony taps ashes from his cigarette in Trumph's mouth]
- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Oh, tough guy! Tough guy! You don't scare me, man! The vet already chopped my nuts off. What are you gonna do?
- [to Vincent Pastore]
- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Big Pussy...
- Vincent Pastore: You whack me, I whack you too.
- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: I'm not impressed, you want to know "big pussy"? Have sex with a chihuahua after she gives birth to nine kids. That's what we're talking about. Okay?
- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: [talking to Bruce Vilanch] I haven't seen fur like that since I sniffed a Yorkie's butt.
- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: You call this a career, man? You call this a career? What happened to you, man?
- Gilbert Gottfried: Nothing. It's, it's over.
- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: If you were a dog, they would've put you down ten years ago.
- Gilbert Gottfried: Oh, they would've put me to sleep.
- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Gilbert Gottfried.
- Gilbert Gottfried: I've already been fixed.
- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: Thank goodness. Not an attractive man. When he goes to the park, dogs sniff his face.
- [pause]
- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: His face.
- Gilbert Gottfried: [to camera] Two, three, four.
- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: [regarding his microphone] Is this on?
- Richard Belzer: [rubbing Triumph's chin] Little doggie, little doggie, little doggie!
- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog: [whispering] You make me sick.