- Amy Brookheimer: [Increasingly harassed] Sue, if anybody asks for me, I've gone outside to scream into the night.
- Sue Wilson: Yeah, okay. Have one for me too!
- Amy Brookheimer: I feel like I'm on a life support machine and they keep pulling the plug... to charge their phones!
- Bill Ericsson: Sounds like he's learning a sex alphabet.
- Ben Cafferty: I've seen a salmon in a grizzly's mouth look less panicky than that!
- Richard Splett: In my family, basketball is a religion!... Also Catholicism. That's actually the main one.
- Selina Meyer: Why don't I know what's going on here? I'm supposed to have my finger on the button, but for all I know, it's been rewired and I'm just operating some sort of light in a closet somewhere.
- News Anchor: President Meyer has ended her 10-day world tour with a surprise visit to Iran. Her historic meeting could signal an end to decades of mistrust.
- Dan Egan: See that tour? I set that up.
- Bartender: See that shelf? I made that.