The Angry Video Game Nerd (TV Series)

Alien³ (2013)

James Rolfe: The Angry Video Game Nerd

Photos 

Quotes 

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : It's like sticking your dick in a glory hole without knowing what's on the other side. Did that analogy make any sense? Whatever. I just compared a glory hole to an NES game.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : The game was nothing more than an advertisement for the movie, and how shameless is that to do something to promote something else?

  [in sotto voice] 

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : Monster Madness.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : There was no quality assurance with this shitload of fuck. This game is as much fun as a witch's cunt.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : It may not be a pile of goat puke smothered in buffalo diarrhea, it's just a pile of goat puke. Hold the buffalo diarrhea. I don't even know if buffaloes GET diarrhea!

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : This game has as much to do with the movie as the Space Hunter Nebula M has to do with Lake Titicaca.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Are these face-huggers? They look so funky. The face-huggers in Super Contra looked more like the ones from the movie. And that wasn't even an Alien game. Here, they look like... Thing from Addams Family dragging a dildo. Just another addition to this game's museum of anomalies: Ripley's Believe it or Go Fuck Yourself.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : This game does not hold your hand. Instead, it reaches down, grabs your dick and jerks you around. I promise, that's my last dick joke. And when you pause the game, the music doesn't stop. That really ties my dick in a knot. Okay, now I promise. No more dicking around.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : If you make it all the way to the end, this is what you'll get: "As Ripley leaves Fury 161, she turns back one last time." Did they see the movie? She never leaves the planet. She drops herself into the fire and dies as the last alien hatches out of her chest. It's the thing anybody would remember best from the movie! Then the credits start. "Quality Ass". Quality Ass? That sums up the whole thing. There was no quality assurance with this shitload of fuck.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Ah, what happened? I thought these were stairs. No, they're just blue balls. Ha, what was I thinking? Stairs. They'll beat you around like pinball flippers. I thought I was playing Alien, not Ripley Pinball.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : You can't go in the doors either. It's just part of the graphics. There's no reason to have a door there if you can't go in. The background did not need a door. If that door weren't there, would you be confused? Would you be wondering, oh, gee, where am I? Is this supposed to be a jungle or something? No. This could not have been an artistic decision. They put it there to piss you off. Doesn't it bother you not knowing what's happening on the other side of that door? I know what: it's this game's mom bent over and getting fucked!

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : It's a shame that there was never a good Alien game on NES. Oh, wait, actually I take it back. There WERE some good alien games on NES. They're called Contra and Metroid!