Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Dawn of the Commercials (2013)

Malcolm Ray: Commercial Announcer - voice, Reggie, Winkie Guard, Office Worker #2, Satan

Quotes 

• [the Critic appears as having a younger sister, both appearing in a parody of a "Milk, It Does a Body Good" commercial; every time she takes a sip of milk, she grows somewhat older] 

  Little Sister : [growing older as she drinks her milk:]  You may think I'm a shrimp now, big brother, but I'm drinking milk! Which means I'll grow long hair, beautiful skin, and become totally self-absorbed, meaning I won't even think for myself, and instead marry a wealthy millionaire who only wants me for my body.

  [after taking another sip, she now holds a comb] 

  Little Sister : And then I'll feel this emptiness inside that only the miracle of cocaine can cure.

  [holds the comb to her nose and takes a snort; becomes derelict] 

  Little Sister : If that's not enough, I'll turn to heroin for an even greater high!

  [now looks and speaks all deranged] 

  Little Sister : And then I won't know what's real anymore and I'll wonder where my life went wrong!

  [tosses a rope around her neck] 

  Little Sister : And then I'll be so jacked up on highballs that I'll try to kill myself in my main closet!

  [suddenly sobers up] 

  Little Sister : But then I'll discover rehab and realize it was all part of God's plan.

  [suddenly becomes derelict and deranged again] 

  Little Sister : But then, I'll relapse and fall right down the slippery slope again!

  [grabs the Critic's shoulders and shakes him] 

  Little Sister : OH JESUS, BROTHER, HELP ME!

  [suddenly becomes a bum, wearing a coat and holding a glass of milk] 

  Little Sister : And then I'll die cold and alone with my only friend, the glass of milk that started it all.

  [the Critic looks around nervously and runs off] 

  Commercial Announcer : Milk. What the fuck?

  [Chester A. Bum walks up] 

  Chester A. Bum : Hey!

  [he kicks her] 

  Chester A. Bum : This is my spot!

  [she hisses at him; he runs off scared] 

• [Reggie is watching an "I don't want to grow up" Toys "R" Us commercial] 

  Reggie's Mom : Reggie!

  Reggie : Aw, go away, Mom!

  Reggie's Mom : Reggie, when are you gonna get a job?

  Reggie : I told you, Mom, I'm a Toys "R" Us kid!

  Reggie's Mom : You keep saying that! What does that mean?

  Reggie : You couldn't possibly understand, Mom!

  Reggie's Mom : I'm never gonna have any grandchildren!

  Reggie : They just complicate the plan, Mom! The Toys "R" Us plan!

  Reggie's Mom : I'm going to watch old home movies of you and see where I went wrong!

  Reggie : Toys "R" Us kid, Mom! Toys "R" Us kid!

• [Doug and Malcolm are dressed as office workers, standing around a water cooler] 

  Doug : You know, a hard day's work doesn't call for water out of the cooler.

  Malcolm : What do you got there?

  Doug : I got me a nice bottle of Mountain Water. Cool, refreshing, big on taste, but also big on satisfaction. And what do you got there?

  Malcolm : I got pancreatic cancer.

  [Doug looks disgusted; the following message is shown: "45,220 people get pancreatic cancer a year. This message brought to you by the National BUZZKILL Institution of Canada."] 

• Nostalgia Critic : [the Kix cereal's tagline is: "Kid Tested, Mother Approved"]  Uh... yeah, let's say it like it really is, people.

  Commercial Announcer : Kix: Kids Tolerate It, Mother Has Coupons.

• Wicked Witch of the West : Dorothy has escaped the castle! Spread out! Find her! FIND HER!

  [points to one Winkie] 

  Wicked Witch of the West : Except for you. You come here.

  Winkie Guard : [approaching her]  Yes, milady?

  Wicked Witch of the West : It's been a long day, hasn't it, Oh-ee-oh henchman #5?

  Winkie Guard : Yes, milady.

  Wicked Witch of the West : And you'd do anything for me, wouldn't you?

  Winkie Guard : Yes, milady. Unless someone half your age were to kill you, in which case I would swear allegiance to her blindly.

  Wicked Witch of the West : Okay... What do you say I ride your broomstick for a while?

  Winkie Guard : What do you mean?

  Wicked Witch of the West : Fill my pointy hat.

  Winkie Guard : Don't follow.

  Wicked Witch of the West : POP my ruby slipper!

  Winkie Guard : Totally lost.

  Wicked Witch of the West : Jesus! Do I have to spell it out for you? I want to have sex with you!

  Winkie Guard : Oh!... Still don't get it.

  Wicked Witch of the West : ...I don't have any other words to say. Not one part of that sentence could be interpreted in any other way.

  Winkie Guard : Oh, I think I see what you're saying.

  Wicked Witch of the West : Good.

  Winkie Guard : You want me and Henchwoman #12 to hook up? Well, don't worry, my lady. I'm still working on it.

  [calling offscreen] 

  Winkie Guard : Hello, Henchwoman #12.

  Henchwoman #12 : [calling back]  Still not into you, creep!

  Winkie Guard : She's so into me.

  Wicked Witch of the West : Oh, forget it. You're fired! I'm gonna go hit on a flying monkey.

  [leaves] 

  Winkie Guard : I need a better union.

• Nostalgia Critic : [re: Chef Boyardee pastas]  Now, of course, making famous characters into edible shapes is nothing new. There was Pac-Man, Smurfs... Hell, even tic-tac-toe got a pasta.

  Chef Boyardee announcer : [singing]  Wherever I go, it's Xs and Os. / Makes me feel so hungry for my tic-tac-toes.

  Nostalgia Critic : What some people forget is that for the longest time, they tried to make a game out of eating their products. Yeah, listen.

  Chef Boyardee announcer : And when you get three Xs or Os on your spoon, you win! / First one to capture all three dinosaur shapes wins!

  Nostalgia Critic : Why must you turn dinnertime into a competitive sport? Wouldn't the more appropriate rules be...

  Commercial Announcer : Hey kids! If you can eat the elbow macaroni and ketchup we're calling pasta without vomiting it up through your ears, nose, or mouth, you win!