Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Dawn of the Commercials (2013)

Rachel Tietz: Reggie's Mom - voice, Critic's Mom - voice, Wicked Witch of the West, Little Sister

Quotes 

• [the Critic appears as having a younger sister, both appearing in a parody of a "Milk, It Does a Body Good" commercial; every time she takes a sip of milk, she grows somewhat older] 

  Little Sister : [growing older as she drinks her milk:]  You may think I'm a shrimp now, big brother, but I'm drinking milk! Which means I'll grow long hair, beautiful skin, and become totally self-absorbed, meaning I won't even think for myself, and instead marry a wealthy millionaire who only wants me for my body.

  [after taking another sip, she now holds a comb] 

  Little Sister : And then I'll feel this emptiness inside that only the miracle of cocaine can cure.

  [holds the comb to her nose and takes a snort; becomes derelict] 

  Little Sister : If that's not enough, I'll turn to heroin for an even greater high!

  [now looks and speaks all deranged] 

  Little Sister : And then I won't know what's real anymore and I'll wonder where my life went wrong!

  [tosses a rope around her neck] 

  Little Sister : And then I'll be so jacked up on highballs that I'll try to kill myself in my main closet!

  [suddenly sobers up] 

  Little Sister : But then I'll discover rehab and realize it was all part of God's plan.

  [suddenly becomes derelict and deranged again] 

  Little Sister : But then, I'll relapse and fall right down the slippery slope again!

  [grabs the Critic's shoulders and shakes him] 

  Little Sister : OH JESUS, BROTHER, HELP ME!

  [suddenly becomes a bum, wearing a coat and holding a glass of milk] 

  Little Sister : And then I'll die cold and alone with my only friend, the glass of milk that started it all.

  [the Critic looks around nervously and runs off] 

  Commercial Announcer : Milk. What the fuck?

  [Chester A. Bum walks up] 

  Chester A. Bum : Hey!

  [he kicks her] 

  Chester A. Bum : This is my spot!

  [she hisses at him; he runs off scared] 

• [Reggie is watching an "I don't want to grow up" Toys "R" Us commercial] 

  Reggie's Mom : Reggie!

  Reggie : Aw, go away, Mom!

  Reggie's Mom : Reggie, when are you gonna get a job?

  Reggie : I told you, Mom, I'm a Toys "R" Us kid!

  Reggie's Mom : You keep saying that! What does that mean?

  Reggie : You couldn't possibly understand, Mom!

  Reggie's Mom : I'm never gonna have any grandchildren!

  Reggie : They just complicate the plan, Mom! The Toys "R" Us plan!

  Reggie's Mom : I'm going to watch old home movies of you and see where I went wrong!

  Reggie : Toys "R" Us kid, Mom! Toys "R" Us kid!

• Nostalgia Critic : [re: Toys "R" Us commercials]  The only other problem I had with these commercials was that half the toys were never *at* Toys "R" Us. You ever noticed that? I don't know if it was a copyright thing or what, but half of these products they were advertising were never at the store. Like imagine if you were a Ninja Turtle nut, like I was. Look at THESE fucking things!

  [shows a shot of dancing Ninja Turtles] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Holy shit! I want the life-size dancing Ninja Turtles, please!

  [the phrase "Don't Have It!" is displayed in red letters] 

  Nostalgia Critic : What? Don't have it? Well, okay. I'll take that gigantic teddy bear he's bouncing around on.

  ["Don't Have It!" is displayed in red] 

  Nostalgia Critic : What? Well, how about that game where you bomb the battleship?

  ["Don't Have It!" is displayed in red again] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Fuck you! Look through the store. There has to be a game where you can bomb a battleship. Gah, this place is an insult to Geoffrey the Giraffe!

  ["He's Not Real!" is displayed in red letters] 

  Nostalgia Critic : He's not real?

  ["NO!" is displayed in red] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [crying out]  I don't wanna grow up!

  [puts his hands in his face] 

  Critic's Mom : Critic, when are you gonna get a job?

  Nostalgia Critic : Shut up, Mom!

• Wicked Witch of the West : Dorothy has escaped the castle! Spread out! Find her! FIND HER!

  [points to one Winkie] 

  Wicked Witch of the West : Except for you. You come here.

  Winkie Guard : [approaching her]  Yes, milady?

  Wicked Witch of the West : It's been a long day, hasn't it, Oh-ee-oh henchman #5?

  Winkie Guard : Yes, milady.

  Wicked Witch of the West : And you'd do anything for me, wouldn't you?

  Winkie Guard : Yes, milady. Unless someone half your age were to kill you, in which case I would swear allegiance to her blindly.

  Wicked Witch of the West : Okay... What do you say I ride your broomstick for a while?

  Winkie Guard : What do you mean?

  Wicked Witch of the West : Fill my pointy hat.

  Winkie Guard : Don't follow.

  Wicked Witch of the West : POP my ruby slipper!

  Winkie Guard : Totally lost.

  Wicked Witch of the West : Jesus! Do I have to spell it out for you? I want to have sex with you!

  Winkie Guard : Oh!... Still don't get it.

  Wicked Witch of the West : ...I don't have any other words to say. Not one part of that sentence could be interpreted in any other way.

  Winkie Guard : Oh, I think I see what you're saying.

  Wicked Witch of the West : Good.

  Winkie Guard : You want me and Henchwoman #12 to hook up? Well, don't worry, my lady. I'm still working on it.

  [calling offscreen] 

  Winkie Guard : Hello, Henchwoman #12.

  Henchwoman #12 : [calling back]  Still not into you, creep!

  Winkie Guard : She's so into me.

  Wicked Witch of the West : Oh, forget it. You're fired! I'm gonna go hit on a flying monkey.

  [leaves] 

  Winkie Guard : I need a better union.

• Wicked Witch of the West : [seeing the Critic]  Hello, my pretty.

  [sees his shirt] 

  Wicked Witch of the West : Ah, I see you're a man who likes donuts, eh?

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah?

  Wicked Witch of the West : Well, what do you say we find your creamy center?

  Nostalgia Critic : What d'ya mean?

  Wicked Witch of the West : Do some hole punching.

  Nostalgia Critic : Don't follow.

  Wicked Witch of the West : Let something rise up.

  Nostalgia Critic : Totally lost.

  Wicked Witch of the West : What's wrong with you? I want weird wobbly witch sex.

  Nostalgia Critic : Ah, I know what you're saying. You want me and the actress from "Game of Thrones", the one who plays the Albino dragon chick, to hook up. Well, don't worry. I got her on speed dial.

  [dials his phone] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey, it's you-know-who.

  Emilia Clarke : [on the phone]  You're violating the restraining order, asshole!

  Nostalgia Critic : She totally wants me.

  Wicked Witch of the West : What am I missing here?

• Wicked Witch of the West : [the Wicked Witch is lighting up some candles]  It's hot in here and I like you very much, lover boy!

  Mark : [Camera cuts to the other person in the room revealing to be Mark from The Room]  Well, I mean the candles, the music, the sexy dress... what's going on here?

  Wicked Witch of the West : Don't you like me? I'm your girl.

  Mark : What are you doing this for?

  Wicked Witch of the West : I want you.

  Mark : What do you mean?

  Wicked Witch of the West : I want your body.

  Mark : Don't follow.

  Wicked Witch of the West : I-I want to have sex with you.

  Mark : Totally lost.

  Mark : [Frustrated]  Listen here, you bizarre man who has a picture of a spoon on his wall for some reason! I. Want. Your. Balls!

  Mark : Oh, now I get it.

  [Both smile; cut to the Wicked Witch looking frustrated as it's revealed that the two wound up tossing a football around] 

  Mark : [Before leaving]  Hey, this is sexual harassment and I don't need to take it.

  Wicked Witch of the West : [Long pause; confused]  What just happened?