Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Dawn of the Commercials (2013)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Big Brother, Chester A. Bum, Office Worker #1

Quotes 

• [this is in response to a PSA from Canada that starts with a baby shower and ends up being about rape] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [with a frozen smile on his face]  What the fuck, Canada?

• Nostalgia Critic : [re: Batman-themed Diet Coke]  So you think celebrity endorsements are bad now? Take a look at what they did to the Caped Crusader when "Batman Returns" came out.

  TV Anchorwoman : News alert! Someone is stealing Gotham City's power supply.

  Nostalgia Critic : That's right, is he gonna stop rioters? Or capture the crook responsible for this crime? Fuck no, he's gonna get him some Diet Coke!

• [the Critic appears as having a younger sister, both appearing in a parody of a "Milk, It Does a Body Good" commercial; every time she takes a sip of milk, she grows somewhat older] 

  Little Sister : [growing older as she drinks her milk:]  You may think I'm a shrimp now, big brother, but I'm drinking milk! Which means I'll grow long hair, beautiful skin, and become totally self-absorbed, meaning I won't even think for myself, and instead marry a wealthy millionaire who only wants me for my body.

  [after taking another sip, she now holds a comb] 

  Little Sister : And then I'll feel this emptiness inside that only the miracle of cocaine can cure.

  [holds the comb to her nose and takes a snort; becomes derelict] 

  Little Sister : If that's not enough, I'll turn to heroin for an even greater high!

  [now looks and speaks all deranged] 

  Little Sister : And then I won't know what's real anymore and I'll wonder where my life went wrong!

  [tosses a rope around her neck] 

  Little Sister : And then I'll be so jacked up on highballs that I'll try to kill myself in my main closet!

  [suddenly sobers up] 

  Little Sister : But then I'll discover rehab and realize it was all part of God's plan.

  [suddenly becomes derelict and deranged again] 

  Little Sister : But then, I'll relapse and fall right down the slippery slope again!

  [grabs the Critic's shoulders and shakes him] 

  Little Sister : OH JESUS, BROTHER, HELP ME!

  [suddenly becomes a bum, wearing a coat and holding a glass of milk] 

  Little Sister : And then I'll die cold and alone with my only friend, the glass of milk that started it all.

  [the Critic looks around nervously and runs off] 

  Commercial Announcer : Milk. What the fuck?

  [Chester A. Bum walks up] 

  Chester A. Bum : Hey!

  [he kicks her] 

  Chester A. Bum : This is my spot!

  [she hisses at him; he runs off scared] 

• Nostalgia Critic : [re: "Ninja Turtles" VHS tapes by FHE that reveals the "true story"]  Um, I'm not a scientist or anything, but I'm just gonna take a wild guess that the insane adventures of four anthropomorphic lifeforms living in the sewers, skateboarding, eating pizza, and fighting the ninja army led by Uncle Phil probably, *probably* takes place in the world of fiction.

• Nostalgia Critic : [re: Chef Boyardee products]  "Tasty wholesome pasta"? I can think of three things wrong with that sentence.

• Nostalgia Critic : [re: Canadian PSA about rape involving a baby shower]  Talk about an uncomfortable blow to your nads! Is this how you do all your serious commercials? Start off with something innocent and lighthearted and then smash it down into cruel, cruel reality?

  [the following message is shown: "1 in 2 girls growing up in Canada will be physically or sexually abused."] 

• Nostalgia Critic : Ah, good old Chef Boyardee, causing children around the world to grow up and shout, "I can't believe I used to put this in my body!"

• Nostalgia Critic : [re: Count Chocula cereal]  Believe it or not, there was actually a period of time when Count Chocula was a live-action character. And would you like to see what he looks like?

  [a shot of a live-action Count Chocula is shown] 

  Count Chocula : If you crave chocolate, too...

  [the Critic jumps back in fright, screaming] 

  Count Chocula : ... Count Chocula can satisfy the chocolate monster in you!

  Nostalgia Critic : What the hell is that? He's like a Silly Putty combo of the Nesquik rabbit and fat Weird Al Yankovic! And okay, that chin seriously needs to be censored. I swear, I'm looking at Forest Whitaker's testicles right now, and that should not be under the mouth of any cereal mascot!

• [this is in response to Diet Coke's slogan, "Just For The Taste"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : No, that's the *last* reason anybody drinks it. The first reason is... well, now, honestly because Batman drinks it! He loves it so much he would literally let the city DIE just to get the last one! That's probably the best endorsement you can give a product! So I guess it works.

• [Doug and Malcolm are dressed as office workers, standing around a water cooler] 

  Doug : You know, a hard day's work doesn't call for water out of the cooler.

  Malcolm : What do you got there?

  Doug : I got me a nice bottle of Mountain Water. Cool, refreshing, big on taste, but also big on satisfaction. And what do you got there?

  Malcolm : I got pancreatic cancer.

  [Doug looks disgusted; the following message is shown: "45,220 people get pancreatic cancer a year. This message brought to you by the National BUZZKILL Institution of Canada."] 

• Nostalgia Critic : [re: Toys "R" Us commercials]  The only other problem I had with these commercials was that half the toys were never *at* Toys "R" Us. You ever noticed that? I don't know if it was a copyright thing or what, but half of these products they were advertising were never at the store. Like imagine if you were a Ninja Turtle nut, like I was. Look at THESE fucking things!

  [shows a shot of dancing Ninja Turtles] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Holy shit! I want the life-size dancing Ninja Turtles, please!

  [the phrase "Don't Have It!" is displayed in red letters] 

  Nostalgia Critic : What? Don't have it? Well, okay. I'll take that gigantic teddy bear he's bouncing around on.

  ["Don't Have It!" is displayed in red] 

  Nostalgia Critic : What? Well, how about that game where you bomb the battleship?

  ["Don't Have It!" is displayed in red again] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Fuck you! Look through the store. There has to be a game where you can bomb a battleship. Gah, this place is an insult to Geoffrey the Giraffe!

  ["He's Not Real!" is displayed in red letters] 

  Nostalgia Critic : He's not real?

  ["NO!" is displayed in red] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [crying out]  I don't wanna grow up!

  [puts his hands in his face] 

  Critic's Mom : Critic, when are you gonna get a job?

  Nostalgia Critic : Shut up, Mom!

• Nostalgia Critic : [re: Kix cereal]  The funny thing is, Kix is the only cereal that tastes different, literally, with every single bite you take. It's like it gets worse and worse with every single nip. I'm not even joking. You could do a diagram on the natural progression of what every bite does to your taste buds.

  [the Critic eats some Kix cereal to demonstrate his point] 

  Nostalgia Critic : The first bite demonstrates a tasty enjoyable experience that seems rather satisfying. Notice how the smile has deteriorated by fifty percent on the second bite, signifying less enjoyment out of the experience. The third bite clearly shows the mistake one feels having placed this product in their mouth. Surely part of the box must've worked its way onto the spoon.

  [the Critic looks disgusted and spits the cereal out] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Clearly they've made a cereal out of packing peanuts. This mistake will not be made again.

• Nostalgia Critic : [the Kix cereal's tagline is: "Kid Tested, Mother Approved"]  Uh... yeah, let's say it like it really is, people.

  Commercial Announcer : Kix: Kids Tolerate It, Mother Has Coupons.

• [the Critic is watching a Count Chocula commercial, featuring a live Count Chocula, in which a young boy somehow turns into a monster, with only Count Chocula cereal to change him back] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I don't even know what the commercial's about. It's a monster that wakes up, but when he's fed Count Chocula, he turns back into a kid... I-I WHO CARES? You can't take your eyes off that image of Robin Williams coming out of a Muppet's butt!

  Count Chocula : If you crave chocolate too...

  Nostalgia Critic : GAH! Turn away, turn it away! Burn it with acid!

  Count Chocula : Count Chocula satisfies your chocolate monster... in no time flat! The monstrously good part of a complete breakfast. Count Chocula can satisfy the chocolate monster in you!

  Nostalgia Critic : You stay the fuck away from my chocolate monster!

• Nostalgia Critic : [re: Chef Boyardee pastas]  Now, of course, making famous characters into edible shapes is nothing new. There was Pac-Man, Smurfs... Hell, even tic-tac-toe got a pasta.

  Chef Boyardee announcer : [singing]  Wherever I go, it's Xs and Os. / Makes me feel so hungry for my tic-tac-toes.

  Nostalgia Critic : What some people forget is that for the longest time, they tried to make a game out of eating their products. Yeah, listen.

  Chef Boyardee announcer : And when you get three Xs or Os on your spoon, you win! / First one to capture all three dinosaur shapes wins!

  Nostalgia Critic : Why must you turn dinnertime into a competitive sport? Wouldn't the more appropriate rules be...

  Commercial Announcer : Hey kids! If you can eat the elbow macaroni and ketchup we're calling pasta without vomiting it up through your ears, nose, or mouth, you win!

• [the Critic is abhorred by a Canadian PSA involving a baby shower, in which it is claimed that 1 out of 2 women get physically or sexually abused] 

  Nostalgia Critic : This can't be good for tourism. Who the hell would want to go to Canada after learning that statistic? Do they have that on the entry sign to the place? "Welcome to Canada. One in two girls will be physically or sexually abused?" That's pretty awkward! I mean, how do you think the expectant mother feels?

  [in the PSA, the expectant mother receives a present; the grandmother-to-be tells her it's a rape whistle] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [as the mother]  Well, Grandma just ruined the baby shower. I'm gonna go hit the vodka. Oh, wait, can't drink. That's right, that's right. Again, great timing, Grandma.

  [normal voice] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I know you mean well, guys, but... JESUS!

  ["Blame Canada" plays briefly] 

• Nostalgia Critic : [re: sexual harassment PSA]  I don't know if many people remember this one, but for a while, everybody was quoting it. It starts off with a woman working at her job when her boss obviously starts hitting on her.

  Boss in PSA : But you're not using all your assets. With a body like that, you could go places.

  [the woman in question shrinks as her boss keeps hitting on her] 

  Female announcer : Sexual harassment can make you feel like less of a person. Ask for the stop sexual harassment booklet in your public library.

  Boss in PSA : Be a little more sexy. Hey, this is your job we're talking about.

  Woman in PSA : No, we're talking about sexual harassment here, and I don't have to take it.

  Nostalgia Critic : BOOM! My early '90s perm just schooled your ass! Heh, I don't know what is it; there's just something about how direct she is and how almost robotic she says it.

  Woman in PSA : No, we're talking about sexual harassment here...

  [voice turns deep] 

  Woman in PSA : ... and I don't have to take it.

• Nostalgia Critic : It's a McDonald's commercial about a little girl thinking about running away but, for some reason, never questions the creepy clown that's on her neighbor's lawn.

  Lindsey : I'm thinking of running away to McDonaldland.

  Ronald McDonald : McDonaldland? That's where I'm from.

  Nostalgia Critic : [as Lindsey]  I hear it's a dictatorship where people disappear.

  [as Ronald] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, Lindsey, maybe there's some undesirables that are holding back genetic progress.

• Wicked Witch of the West : [seeing the Critic]  Hello, my pretty.

  [sees his shirt] 

  Wicked Witch of the West : Ah, I see you're a man who likes donuts, eh?

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah?

  Wicked Witch of the West : Well, what do you say we find your creamy center?

  Nostalgia Critic : What d'ya mean?

  Wicked Witch of the West : Do some hole punching.

  Nostalgia Critic : Don't follow.

  Wicked Witch of the West : Let something rise up.

  Nostalgia Critic : Totally lost.

  Wicked Witch of the West : What's wrong with you? I want weird wobbly witch sex.

  Nostalgia Critic : Ah, I know what you're saying. You want me and the actress from "Game of Thrones", the one who plays the Albino dragon chick, to hook up. Well, don't worry. I got her on speed dial.

  [dials his phone] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey, it's you-know-who.

  Emilia Clarke : [on the phone]  You're violating the restraining order, asshole!

  Nostalgia Critic : She totally wants me.

  Wicked Witch of the West : What am I missing here?

• Nostalgia Critic : [re: McDonald's]  If a strange man dressed like a clown lures you with magic tricks and, oh, I don't know, offers you McDonald's to go with him, chances are you should probably run for home. Or as Sonic puts it...

  Sonic the Hedgehog : You get outta there!

• Nostalgia Critic : [re: Red, White and Blue Pancakes from Denny's]  My god. Everything this country stands for, all the bloodshed, all the cries of freedom, all the wars, all the battles, all the patriotic treasures of the world, all found here in this humble, brilliant piece of brilliantness.

• [in the "Take Care of Me Twins" commercial, the girl tending to the twins in question gives a freaky-looking smile toward them] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Just look at the smile she gives! That's the smile of "I'm about to kill these little bastards if someone doesn't take them away from me."

• [a commercial for Denny's Red, White and Blue Pancakes is shown] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [standing up]  Everyone rise for the greatest commercial ever. I know it's current, but trust me when I say it is destined to become a nostalgic commercial classic. It starts off with a guy just going into a Denny's to get some pancakes. What follows is a moment of pure and absolute beauty.

  Man #1 in commercial : Red, White, and Blue Pancakes, huh? What do they taste like?

  Man #2 in commercial : America.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yes! Yes they do, nodding strange old man! Denny's Red, White, and Blue Pancakes taste like America!

• Nostalgia Critic : Remember Kix, the only cereal commercial that pretty much listed every single reason why NOT to buy it?

  [kids in these commercials explain that Kix doesn't have candy or sprinkles or preservatives or color] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [mimicking a kid]  Honestly, it's just rabbit droppings that they painted, but the box is pretty.

• Nostalgia Critic : [the Ninja Turtles VHS ad states that the series shows "the incredible true story" of the show]  It's just so strange because there's no other way you can interpret it. It's not like he meant it to be taken this way or part of some misunderstanding. No, they straight up say it's a true story.

  Ninja Turtles VHS announcer : The video that reveals the incredible true story.

  Nostalgia Critic : Uh, what the hell are we supposed to do with that except draw the conclusion the FHE are fucking liars.

  Ninja Turtles VHS announcer : The video that reveals the incredible true story.

  Nostalgia Critic : That's right. They're real, and if you don't see 'em in front of you right now, it's probably because you haven't bought enough of our products. Would we lie?

• Nostalgia Critic : As long as they show looks are everything, I guess milk is the ultimate ace in the hole.

  Girl : But my body. The only difference between me and the guys is this dress.

  Woman : Hey, you can see we turned out just fine.

  Girl : [seeing her man]  Who's that?

  Woman : That's Jeffrey Kaiser.

  Nostalgia Critic : [as woman]  Yeah, he beats me with a shovel, but you can skate on those abs.