- SIS Agent Spiner: Thank you for your cooperation
- Suzanne 'Crazy Eyes' Warren: Oh! "We say 'thank you,' we say 'please,' and 'excuse me,' when we sneeze. That's the way we do what's right. We have manners. We're polite."
- Piper Chapman: What are you gonna do?
- Alex Vause: I'm skipping town.
- Piper Chapman: You can't.
- Alex Vause: I don't have a choice. These people know where I live. That's why I wanted to see you. When I go, Piper, I can't come back. I have to just disappear.
- Piper Chapman: You can't leave me.
- Alex Vause: Piper, I'm in danger.
- Piper Chapman: But, I don't have anyone left.
- Alex Vause: I'm sorry, Piper. I'm sorry for all of it. I know that my track record is shit but I really do love you.
- Piper Chapman: Well, yeah, I hate you.
- Alex Vause: No, you don't.
- Piper Chapman: No. No, I don't.
- Scott O'Neill: [singing] This is a little song about the nuns/Fearsome, meaner, crueler, ruder than the Huns/I am forced to babysit them/When I thought that I had quit them/Oh, I kind of hope that they all get the runs
- Piper Chapman: You have a newborn. I mean, was your vagina even fuckable at that point? Or were you just squirting your milk all over him?
- Brook Soso: This is the loneliest place I've ever been. And I lived alone in a tree for eight months.
- Lorna Morello: Hey, did you ever see that movie? The one where there's a cowboy and he's like the king of the castle and then this astronaut shows up and he tries to take over. And so the cowboy attempts to murder him but, instead, the astronaut is taken hostage by, like, this evil psychopath and the cowboy has to rescue him and then they end up becoming really good friends.
- Miss Rosa: Toy Story?
- Lorna Morello: Oh, my, god. Toy Story! That's it, that's it! I love that movie.
- Scott O'Neill: You know she's not even a nun anymore?
- Sister Theodora: The way we see it, she's still married to Jesus. No divorces.
- Cindy Hayes: Hey, you ever think about Beyonce and Jay-Z fuckin'? 'Cause I do. Like, more than I do myself, even. You think that's weird?