- Dick Butkus: Listen, will you still love your kids when they're older?
- Debbie Weaver: Dick, I love my kids unconditionally. I will love them when they choose the wrong husbands and wives to marry. I will love them when they give birth to grandchildren that they never let me see. I will even love them when their father gets sick, and they never come to visit, and the only company I have is a Jamaican hospice nurse who comes once a week to help me clean his face and wipe his...
- Marty Weaver: Where are you right now?
- Jane: Now that you've met me you won't be able to forget me. I'll be in your thoughts and dreams, you'll see my face everywhere you look. Sometimes you'll catch yourself talking to yourself and you'll realize you were talking to me. Soon I'll begin to feel like a phantom limb, part of your body that you know should be there but isn't. Until you accept our destiny, every good thing in your life will feel empty, every sadness like an abyss.
- Max Weaver: [Max reluctantly wears a suit] Tell me that if I ripped open my shirt right now, the song 'It's Raining Men' wouldn't start playing out of nowhere!
- Amber Weaver: You know, most girls would be freaked out if their boyfriend's intergalactic soulmate stalked their house for a week.
- Reggie Jackson: Well that's what make you so special.
- Amber Weaver: Dude, no, I'm saying it totally freaks me out that your intergalactic soulmate has been stalking your house for a week.
- Reggie Jackson: I want to handle this like an adult so I don't want you to advise me or judge me or question me.
- Jackie Joyner-Kersee: But those are my three favorite things to do.
- Dick Butkus: I put the Weaver children in an aging machine.
- Larry Bird: Dick Butkus, how many times have I told you that machine is for ripening fruit and distressing denim only?
- Marty Weaver: You ripened and distressed our kids?
- Marty Weaver: Larry, we're here! Where's the fire?
- Larry Bird: What? There's no fire. What are you talking about?
- Debbie Weaver: You called and said there was an emergency and to bring a fire extinguisher.
- Larry Bird: Yes, there is an emergency AND bring a fire extinguisher. They're two separate thoughts.