- Kaz: Ugh. Oliver, your backpack stinks!
- Oliver: I know. Stop putting your gym shoes in here.
- Kaz: Where else am I gonna put them, in my backpack? They stink!
- Oliver: You know what else stinks, by the way? The advice you gave me about my dad.
- Kaz: Oh, why? What happened?
- Oliver: Well, I know he doesn't like the theater, so I told him I was in a play.
- Kaz: Ah, what play?
- Oliver: That's what he said. And since I wasn't prepared for him to ask, I was like "Um... um... um." So now he thinks that's the title of the play.
- Kaz: What could a play called "um, um, um" possibly be about?
- Oliver: That's what he said. And since we're reading Frankenstein in English class, I told him it was about Frankenstein, but the monster says his name like "UM... UM... UMMM"
- Kaz: Frankenstein? That's so played out. Why would a bunch of high school kids wanna go see that?
- Oliver: That's what he said! So I told him it was an updated version set in the White House.
- Kaz: Oh, that actually sounds good. I'd like to see that.
- Oliver: That's what he said! So on Friday, he wants to go to a play that does not exist! What am I gonna do? He's gonna know I'm lying.
- Kaz: Well, Oliver, when you're caught in a lie, there's only one thing to do,
- Oliver: Tell the truth?
- Kaz: No! Pile an even bigger lie on top of the first lie. My brother taught me that.
- Oliver: The brother who's in jail?
- Kaz: You'll have to be more specific.
- Oliver: Well, I really hate lying, but I can't tell my dad about Mighty Med. So I guess I'll have to write and produce an entire school pay by Friday, which means I can't work at Mighty Med, so my dad doesn't find out I work at Mighty Med.
- Kaz: It's pretty funny when you think about it.
- Oliver: No, it's not.
- Kaz: Well... It's pretty funny when I think about it.
- [first lines]
- [Oliver is playing a video game in The Domain]
- Oliver: Man, I'm getting really good at this! I should be a demon hunter in real life. That or a high school teacher.
- Kaz: Oh, go with the demon hunter. They deal with fewer demons.
- Oliver: [Oliver gets a call] Oh, no. It's my dad. He keeps asking where I go after school every day and I can't tell him about our job.
- [Kaz wears a scary mask]
- Oliver: Kaz!
- Kaz: What? Do I have something on my face?
- Oliver: This is serious. What am I gonna tell my dad?
- Kaz: Just tell your dad you're hanging out here.
- Oliver: He doesn't want me coming here. He thinks all this superhero stuff is a waste of time.
- Kaz: Oh, and like what he does is so important.
- Oliver: He's a brain trauma researcher.
- Kaz: Just tell your dad you're hanging out at my house.
- Oliver: I can't. He also doesn't want me hanging out with you. He thinks you're reckless, out of control, and never take responsibility for your own actions.
- Kaz: One time you go home with half of your head shaved and suddenly I'm reckless? And I take responsibility for my actions.
- [accidentally throws a controller and knocks over an action figure]
- Kaz: Wasn't me. He did it.
- [theme song starts]
- Kaz: [holding a Brain Matter action figure] There. Brain Matter is good as new.
- Oliver: His head is on backwards.
- Kaz: Well, then he's better than new. He now has the power to see his own butt.
- Gus: [enters The Domain with Jordan] Oliver, Kaz, help us settle an argument. This snake looks poisonous, right?
- [opens a shoebox]
- Oliver: Gus, there's nothing in there.
- Gus: Uh oh. This is terrible! Now we'll never be able to settle our argument.
- Jordan: Gus, we're not having an argument. You're talking to yourself and I'm listening to a book on tape.
- Kaz: I wonder why they stopped making Brain Matter comicbooks and movies. There hasn't been one in years.
- Oliver: Oh, no. I know that look. You're gonna search obsessively for the answer to a totally unimportant question.
- Jordan: Yeah, even if it means abandoning your schoolwork, your friends, and your already shaky commitment to showering.
- Kaz: Okay, A, everybody's already trying to answer the important questions, and B, I showered on Tuesday. A week ago Tuesday.
- Gus: I remember. You smelled great that day.
- Oliver: [gets a call] Excuse us for a moment.
- [pulls Kaz aside]
- Oliver: My dad just texted me where are you? Maybe I should just come clean and tell him about...
- [whispering]
- Oliver: the thing.
- Kaz: All right. Here's what you do. You make up an after-school activity, something that sounds productive so he'll get off your case, but so boring he won't ask for details.
- Oliver: That's actually a good idea, Kaz. Where'd you come up with that?
- Kaz: Oh, in alibi club. Yeah, and if anybody asks, that's where I am right now.
- Gus: Help settle another argument? How many times a year does the average person go to the bathroom? I say six.
- [Skylar deflects laser blasts in a training simulation. Horace turns it off after one hits her]
- Skylar Storm: Why am I even bothering it physical therapy? My powers are never coming back.
- Dr. Horace Diaz: But you're making tremendous progress.
- Skylar Storm: At what?
- Dr. Horace Diaz: Accepting crushing disappointment.
- Kaz: Hey Horace. I have a question for you.
- Dr. Horace Diaz: Is it important?
- Kaz: Probably not.
- Dr. Horace Diaz: Then you have my full attention. Hardly anyone is asking the really unimportant questions these days.
- Kaz: I know! Hey, anyway, since comic books are based off of real superheroes, I was wondering why there aren't any more stories about Brain Matter.
- [Horror movie music plays, woman screams]
- Skylar Storm: Sorry, that was my phone. I was just changing the ringtone.
- Kaz: Why do you have a phone? You've been on this planet for, like, a week. You don't know anybody.
- Skylar Storm: That's why I got the no friends and no family plan.
- Kaz: So... what happened to Brain Matter?
- [Horace gasps, horror movie music plays]
- Kaz: Why do you keep doing that every time I say Brain Matter?
- [Horace gasps, horror movie music plays]
- Kaz: Oh, you're hiding something. And not very well.
- Dr. Horace Diaz: Stop meddling. I have some important work for you to do.
- Kaz: Change lightbulbs, clear away cobwebs. This is just busywork.
- Dr. Horace Diaz: No, it isn't.
- [leaves]
- Kaz: The title of the list is "busywork for Kaz"! Something weird's going on on here. Something scary and weird, and I'm gonna find out what that big secret is.
- Skylar Storm: Can I help? I'm going nuts sitting around here waiting for my powers to return. I am so desperate, I am willing to voluntarily spend time with you.
- Kaz: You know, that's not the first time I've heard that. And I'm not insulted. Sure. You can help, but be careful. It could be dangerous.
- [sees Alan]
- Kaz: Aah!
- Skylar Storm: [answers phone] Hello? Uh, no one there.
- Alan Diaz: You're right. There is a secret, and it's the most amazing secret ever, and I could tell you what it is, but I never will!
- Kaz: Is it that nobody likes you?
- Alan Diaz: Ha! That's not secret!
- Oliver: Jordan, Gus, I need a favor. You have to help me put on a play by tomorrow.
- Jordan: Why?
- Oliver: So my dad doesn't keep asking me where I go after school every day.
- Jordan: Where do you go after school every day?
- Oliver: I have got to start preparing for follow-up questions. Uh, I-I have a job. I-I work, um... making sandwiches. At a sandwich shop. But I have to keep it a secret from my father.
- Gus: Why wouldn't you want your father to know you make sandwiches?
- Oliver: He hates sandwiches, okay? He hates sandwiches and I love them
- [choked up]
- Oliver: and it's tearing our family apart.
- [normal]
- Oliver: Now, will you help me out on this play or not?
- Jordan: Absolutely, but only because I'm sure it'll be terrible and there's nothing more delightful than watching a friend fail.
- Gus: Then why don't you like me more?
- Jordan: I said watching a *friend* fail.
- Gus: Fair enough. Well, I'll do it too, but only if you bring free sandwiches. And hold the mayo.
- Oliver: Fine.
- Gus: No, seriously. Hold the mayo.
- [he holds out his backpack and Oliver pulls out a jar of mayo]
- Gus: Thank you. This backpack's so much lighter with only one jar of mayo in it.
- Kaz: Hey. Skylar and I have looked through files for information about Brain Matter, and we found this.
- Skylar Storm: Brain Matter checked into the hospital years ago but never checked out.
- Dr. Horace Diaz: I don't know what you're talking about.
- Kaz: If you don't tell me what it is, I will... start beatboxing right now.
- Skylar Storm: He's just crazy enough to do it.
- [Kaz beatboxes]
- Dr. Horace Diaz: Okay! Okay, stop! I'll tell you. The tale of Brain Matter is dark and maca... bre. Because of him, something monstrous is hidden behind some door in Mighty Med. Whatever you do, do not open that door! It is the door of doom! Now, we're having problems with the locks, so I need you to open every door in Mighty Med.
- Kaz: But what about the door of doom?
- Dr. Horace Diaz: Do not open the door of doom!
- Skylar Storm: But how will we know which door it is?
- Dr. Horace Diaz: I've said too much.
- Kaz: Actually, you haven't!