- [first lines]
- Frank Hardy: So, how are we going to do this thing?
- Ms. Faraday: Torture, right? This is a torture thing.
- Father Dowling: Aw, praise the Lord, I hope so. I gave up my Sunday for this.
- Jasa Kabob: Are those cupcakes for us?
- Uncle Hank: I'm the uncle. I should do it. If anybody should do it, it should be kin.
- Goth Caterer: No.
- [brandishing a kurki blade]
- Goth Caterer: I've got this.
- Abbey Tuesday: Yowsers! Is this like a party? Is this a game? I love games.
- Uncle Hank: I got a game for you, you evil little witch!
- [raises a hammer as if to bludgeon Abbey]
- Uncle Hank: How about Mr. Green Jeans in the observatory with a candlestick?
- [Frank prevents Father Dowling from pummeling the handcuffed Abbey]
- Ms. Faraday: Wait! Why are we stopping him? Lord knows we all want to chainsaw that precious little smile off her precocious little face! She's evil.
- Abbey Tuesday: No, you silly gooses, I'm abdorbs. I'm on Team Good Guy. I help solve crimes and stuff.
- Frank Hardy: She killed my brother. It was the Nickelodeon Kids Detective Awards. Joe was singing because that's what Joe did - he sang. And then...
- [make a throat slashing gesture]
- Frank Hardy: She was there coincidentally... My biggest fan watching, just lying in wait to sweep in and solve the case. And now... now, I'm just the Hardy Boy.
- Abbey Tuesday: More like Hardly a Boy. You're what? A hundred years old?
- Frank Hardy: Hey! Don't you fuck with a Hardy Boy, okay?
- Sheriff Buford: Hey! What the hell is going on here?
- Abbey Tuesday: Sheriff Buford! My hero!
- Sheriff Buford: She was supposed to be dead by now. I got the bags and the bone saw in my car.
- [last lines]
- Abbey Tuesday: Jasa... I'd like to introduce you to a friend of mine.
- [Abbey raises a knife]