Anthony Rosano: Kevin

Quotes 

• Gina : [Kevin enters the room wearing a paper bag on his head with Surly Steve's face on it]  Very cute Kevin, or should I call you Steve, or oh wait, maybe Cameron.

  Kevin : Just hear me out for a minute.

  Gina : I don't have time to hear you out. I'm going to a party tonight and I need to get ready.

  Kevin : Gina, please.

  Gina : Kevin, you humiliated me, in front of everyone! The one person I trusted above everyone lied to me! How do you think that made me feel?

  Kevin : Not nearly as bad as it made me feel doing it.

  Gina : Oh, bullshit.

  Kevin : You were the one that e-mailed Surly Steve, I didn't go seeking you out!

  Gina : Why did you create him to begin with and why didn't you come clean when I e-mailed you?

  Kevin : You wanna know why? You wanna know why? Because for the first time in my life, I felt you saw me outside of the friend zone! I mean I had a chance with you. And as much as i knew it was wrong to do, I-I didn't wanna tell you the truth cause I liked the way you saw me when I was someone else.

  Gina : Weren't you someone else?

  Kevin : I *looked* like somebody else! Okay? But every thought, every joke, every word, those were mine! Not Cameron's, mine! And you know what's really funny? You liked that guy. You wanted to be with that guy. He was the perfect guy! Your words.

  Gina : The perfect guy that *you* invented.

  Kevin : I have news for you, okay? Nothing in this life comes in a perfect package.

  Gina : Oh, *you* made that quite clear.

  Kevin : C'mon Gina, I mean I know I hurt you. And you can't ever imagine how sorry I am for doing that. But just, answer me one question, do me a favor please. Tell me, What the hell was so damn attractive about Steve to begin with huh? Was it his looks? Or his personality?

  Gina : [Gina walks over and grabs the bag with Surly Steve's face on it, pulling it off Kevin's head]  What are you trying to prove to me by wearing this anyways?

  Kevin : I want you to admit to me that the only thing that's standing in the way of us being together is the fact that i don't look like Cameron. And you know what? If it takes wearing a stupid mask in order for you to see that I am exactly the person for you, I'll wear a damn bag on my head for the rest of my life! I want *you* Gina. And I know somewhere deep down beyond all the superficial bullshit that you want me too.

  Kevin : [Gina kisses Kevin]  I'm not quite sure how to respond to that.

  Gina : It's not the kind of the superficial bullshit you think. I spend my entire life thinking that in order to be happy, I needed a fairy tale romance. To have someone sweep me off my feet, to feel crazy, passionate, love, I thought I could only feel that with someone new but now I feel I relive I might be wrong because of everything you said about Steve was true. You just blew *all* of those ridiculous notions out the window.

  Kevin : Everything was true. Except for the whole part about looking like Cameron.

  Gina : Cameron's not you, Kevin. Nobody's you except you.

  [Gina kisses him] 

• Gina : Online dating! We'll do online dating, all three of us!

  Kevin : Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. You do realize that most of the people that do this whole online dating thing are bat-shit cray, right?

  Wendy : Oh my God. Some girl left a voice mail on his phone saying the movers are dropping off her stuff on Monday at 9 A.M... He's moving in another girl and I just moved out. How ridiculous is this?

  Kevin : It's about as ridiculous as the fact that you're still checking his voicemail.

  Wendy : Do you think he's sleeping with her?

  [Kevin mouths the words "Oh yeah"] 

  Gina : Okay, stop. You guys need to get over yourselves. Kevin, you have an almost expired box of condoms in your drawer, and Wendy; you spend 10 years of your life in love with a total dick weed. It's time to move forward. Not backwards.

  [Wendy is looking at her phone, and Gina snatches it away from her] 

  Wendy : Hey! What are you doing?

  Gina : Deleting his number from your phone. It's time all three of us get back in the dating scene. Don't go anywhere.

  Kevin : Hey, what are you doing? And stay out of my sock drawer.

  Gina : I'm getting my laptop. All three of us are gonna create online dating profiles, tonight!

  [Gina claps happily] 

  Gina : I'm so excited!

  Kevin : [Nervously]  Hey... hehe.

  Wendy : Well, at least I still have access to his Facebook, so I'll be okay.

  [Kevin gives Wendy a weird look] 

• Gina : What's up sista?

  Wendy : Oh my God, I think it's happening!

  Gina : You think what's happening?

  Wendy : [Happily]  Danny called me from work he said really important to talk to me about!

  Gina : Good or bad really important?

  Wendy : Aaah! I think this is it! I think after 10 years of dating he's gonna finally ask me to marry him!

  Gina : Oh My God!

  Wendy : I know!

  Gina : Oh My God! I'm crying, I'm seriously crying.

  Kevin : [In monotone voice]  I can't hear the TV over your squeaking.

  Gina : Wendy's getting married!

  Kevin : [In monotone voice]  Bring on the divorce papers.

  Gina : Call me the second it happens.

  Wendy : Oh my God! I don't believe it I'm gonna be a bride. A BRIDE! AAH!

  [Squeals] 

  Wendy : My only dilemma now is trying to find the perfect "My Guy is About to Propose to Me" outfit. I'm thinking maybe black lingerie or what about white?

  Gina : Defiantly, white.

  Wendy : White, cause that's more bridal.

  Gina : Oh, I can't wait to start planing your wedding!

  Wendy : Me neither! Oh My God! I gotta go get ready otherwise he's gonna come home and I'm gonna be in pajama pants. Talk to you soon 'kay? Love you!

  Gina : Love you!

  Wendy : Okay, bye!

• Gina : So, do you wanna know the best part about all this?

  Kevin : What's that?

  Gina : Well, besides the fact that I just had amazing sex with my best friend...

  Kevin : Yes, go on?

  Gina : [Gina giggles]  We can finally take care of that unopened, about to expire, box of condoms in your sock drawer.

  Kevin : [clears throat]  Excuse me? Magnum-sized condoms.

  Gina : [giggles]  Oh sorry, I won't ever doubt you on that ever again.

  Kevin : Thank you.

  [Gina starts to kiss Kevin] 

  Kevin : Okay.

  [Narrating] 

  Kevin : So, there ya have it. I went from the friend zone to the boyfriend zone. Uh, it wasn't the easiest road but it was well worth it. So if you ever find yourself in a similar position to one I was in a few weeks back, do yourself a favor. Create a fake online profile, and seduce your best girlfriend. Or sack up and be a man and tell her how you feel. It might actually work out for you.

  [Gina goes beneath the bed sheet covers, Kevin whispers to Gina] 

  Kevin : What are you doing?

  Gina : [Gina comes up from the covers]  Who the hell are you talking to?

• Kevin : [Kevin's phone rings]  Hello?

  Wendy : Hi, asshole.

  Kevin : Did you call to verbally berate me?

  Wendy : I should, but no.

  Kevin : Well, Gina's not been here in weeks um, where she been staying?

  Wendy : At Camron's.

  Kevin : He-he never said anything to me about that, I mean, it's not like he's talking to me.

  Wendy : Ya know Kevin, I think I understand why you did what you did. But you went about it in a really shitty way.

  Kevin : Well, how's she been?

  Wendy : How do you think she's been? She's hurt but she misses you like crazy.

  Kevin : Yeah. I miss her too.

  Wendy : Ya know, she's coming over tonight to pick up a dress that she's going to wear to a party. I just thought you might wanna know. Kevin, do the right thing. Tell her how you feel. She might be pissed as hell at you but she's still your best friend.

• Gina : Kevin Anderson. So, you think you can pull a fast one on your best friend huh? Well, you are sadly mistaken.

  Kevin : How long did it take you to figure it out?

  Gina : About two seconds.

  Kevin : God, that's pathetic. Am I really that obvious?

  Gina : Why would you even do it to begin with?

  Kevin : Well, because, I uh, name one girl that would find me attractive in a sea of dudes with six-packs. I've got more uh, like a keg.

  Gina : So you just pulled your entire profile off the site?

  Kevin : Wait, what?

  Gina : I checked your username last night.

  [makes quotation marks with two fingers on each hand] 

  Gina : Sir Awesomeness. Nothing showed up. Did you cancel it? That's like $30.00 just flushed down the toilet.

  Kevin : Alright, well...

  Gina : [Gina cuts Kevin off]  It's okay. I understand. Virtual dating isn't for everyone. But for what's worth, I think a lot of girls would have thought you were pretty cute.

  Kevin : Oh yeah, hmm, with this face.

  Gina : Yeah, with that face.

• Kevin : Gina, I'm Surly Steve.

  Gina : What do you mean *your* Surly Steve?

  Wendy : You said *he* was Surly Steve?

  Cameron : I'm Cameron.

  Kevin : I'm Steve.

  Wendy : Oh, I'm so confused.

  Gina : Steve is the guy *I* met online. The guy *I* fell for, online. The guy, *this guy* looks like.

  Cameron : Well, I can assure you, I'm not that guy.

  Gina : [Gina shakes her head in disbelief]  What the hell is going on?

  Kevin : [Kevin sniffles]  Okay, moment of truth. Cameron, I uh, I uploaded one of your photos, on my online dating profile. and I, um, I called myself Surly Steve. And somehow, by some odd coincidence, Gina contacted me, thinking it was you. But it was really just me. The me that looks like you. Whatever that means. Anyway, I never meant to hurt you. That's not what all this is about at all.

  Gina : You've got to be kidding me.

  Kevin : I wish I was.

  Cameron : I can't believe you used my picture without asking me.

  Wendy : And lied to your so-called "best friend".

  Gina : [Coldly]  You are *nothing* more then a lying sack of shit.

  [Gina tosses a glass of water on Kevin] 

• Kevin : You're pretty awesome.

  Gina : So are you.

• Kevin : I never meant to hurt you. That's not what all this is about at all.

  Gina : [Coldly]  You are *nothing* more then a lying sack of shit.

  [Gina tosses a glass of water on Kevin] 

  Kevin : [Narrating]  That was the moment I realized, I had never been more in love, with Gina French.

  [the image freezes and Kevin comes on screen and continues narrating] 

  Kevin : Okay, So it exactly wasn't a highlight in my relationship with Gina, But, you know, for a while there, the two of us had a pretty good thing going. We'd spend Friday nights at home, hanging on the couch, watching TV. we used to play together like five year-olds. We took care of each other like family. She knew how to make me laugh. And I was there when she needed to cry. Gina was the girl in my life. I was the guy in hers. Everything was perfect between us. Except for one very, very important thing: our sex life. What was wrong with it you ask? Well how about the fact that we didn't have one. That's right, like so many foolish guys before me I had fallen into the friend zone early on. I meant I spent five years of my life doing everything a boyfriend would do, without the benefits of actually being a boyfriend. And when it came time for Gina and I to evolve, it nearly cost us our entire relationship.

  [Kevin walks over to the screen frozen version of himself with water being splashed on] 

  Kevin : Case in point.

  [Kevin walks over to the screen frozen Gina] 

  Kevin : But to understand how we got to this point, we have to go back in time a few weeks.

• Kevin : [Gina is removing nail polish from her toes]  You're feet smell like ass.

  Gina : That's my nail polish remover.

  Kevin : It smells like ass.

  Gina : You're robe smalls like ass. You haven't washed it in like six months.

  Kevin : Well, why would I? I mean you always do all the laundry.

  Gina : Lazy slobs don't score girlfriends.

  Kevin : Well, I'm not trying to score a girlfriend. In fact, I have plenty of options.

  Gina : Oh yeah?

  Kevin : Mm-hm.

  Gina : Well then, please explain why there is an unopened, about to expire, box of condoms in your sock drawer.

  Kevin : What were you doing going through my sock drawer?

  Gina : I was putting away *your* laundry.

  Kevin : Well, I must say, I'm very flattered. That you still keep tabs on me. Lets me know you care.

  Gina : You know what I like? That you bought them Magnum-sized, like you really need it.

• Wendy : You know, this online dating thing sucks! I've gone on two dates now, both of which were with guys forty years older and eighty pounds fatter then their pictures.

  Gina : C'mon, now you can't give up hope. You've gotta give them more time.

  Wendy : Time? Who's got time? Life is passing me by and I'm gonna end up alone. Who wants to go get drunk?

  Gina : I can't; I have to wake up early tomorrow.

  Wendy : Kevin?

  Kevin : [pulls back the pillow to which he had been hiding his face]  No.

  Wendy : You guys suck!