- Alex Dunphy: Mom, I can't be late today. Sanjay Patel and I are dissecting a pig.
- Haley Dunphy: So sad what passes for a date in your life.
- Claire Dunphy: [Rebuking] Haley.
- Alex Dunphy: He keeps asking me to hand him all of the instruments. He wants me to act like a nurse.
- Luke Dunphy: Now it sounds like a date in Haley's life.
- Claire Dunphy: [Impressed] Luke.
- Phil Dunphy: [Holding a cardboard cutout sign] Okay, before you say no...
- Claire Dunphy: No.
- Phil Dunphy: You haven't even seen it yet.
- Claire Dunphy: Mm, I'm sticking with no.
- Phil Dunphy: Okay, guys, bring it in! Let's make this place shipshape before your mom gets home. I'm sure she had a big first day. Haley, I'm putting you on laundry. Alex, kitchen and vacuum. Luke, you're cleaning the bathroom.
- Luke Dunphy: Why me?
- Alex Dunphy: Because you always mess it up?
- Haley Dunphy: Yeah, why can't you pee straight?
- Luke Dunphy: Hey, I'm doing a great job from that far back.
- Cameron Tucker: Okay, we cannot be the parents of a six-year-old who gets $100 from the tooth fairy.
- Mitchell Pritchett: It's bad enough we're the parents of a six-year-old with a clutch.
- Cameron Tucker: You know, that bag transitions from day to night seamlessly, and I no longer have to carry crayons in my front pocket.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Can't have this argument again!
- Phil Dunphy: [Claire storms in] Honey, what're you doing home so early?
- Claire Dunphy: I quit. That man is a complete pig. He treated me like a servant and showed me absolutely no respect.
- Phil Dunphy: I'm so sorry. You deserve better than that.
- Claire Dunphy: I do.
- [They hug]
- Phil Dunphy: So, what's for dinner?
- [Claire storms off]
- Phil Dunphy: I feel like you heard me wrong. I said, what's for dinner?
- Claire Dunphy: I heard you!
- Phil Dunphy: History is full of great rivalries - Athens and Sparta, Kerrigan and Harding, Phil Dunphy and Gil Thorpe. In this scenario, he's the Tonya, I'm the Nancy.
- Phil Dunphy: I'm sorry, Claire. I-I hate to do this, but I have to use my veto.
- Claire Dunphy: Veto? Oh, you don't get any vetoes.
- Phil Dunphy: You veto me all the time.
- Claire Dunphy: 'Cause you have dumb ideas.
- Phil Dunphy: Name one!
- [Cut to testimonials]
- Phil Dunphy: That went on for awhile.
- Claire Dunphy: ... and let's not forget 'Shower Snacks'.
- Phil Dunphy: I can't be the only one who gets hungry in there!
- Luke Dunphy: [after a mocking call from Gil Thorpe] What a jerk.
- Phil Dunphy: You know what? We're gonna tell your mom before she goes into business with this guy. He's *Gil-ty* of being a *Thorpe* in my side.
- Luke Dunphy: Trying too hard.
- Phil Dunphy: Yeah...
- Jay Pritchett: Enough chitchat. I've gotta get a character out of a bind.
- Manny Delgado: Ooh. What did he do?
- Jay Pritchett: He told his wife he could write a book.
- Phil Dunphy: I retract my veto.
- Claire Dunphy: You never had a veto.
- Phil Dunphy: Yes, I did.
- Claire Dunphy: No, you didn't, and I'll tell you why.
- Phil Dunphy: [In testimonials] And that went on for a while.
- Claire Dunphy: ... and lastly, this whole conversation would be happening in a yurt.
- Phil Dunphy: It's the perfect structure!