- Sheldon Cooper: Well, in conclusion, I believe the painful sensation felt after passing a meal of spicy chilies is proof that the rectum does possess the sense of taste.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I concur, but you changed the subject. What are we doing for Valentine's Day?
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, you got that, didja?
- Leonard Hofstadter: D'you know what? That was pretty crappy of you. I mean, all I wanted to do was give you a great night and it's like you, you went out of your way to destroy it.
- Penny: Yep. I know. I'm a total bitch.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not saying that.
- Penny: Well, I am.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Ah, fine, you win; you're a bitch. Why couldn't we just have a nice time?
- Penny: I don't know. Maybe 'cause things are going so well between us lately and I've been really happy.
- Leonard Hofstadter: OK. You're going to have to make a lot more sense than that.
- Penny: Obviously, I have some commitment issues.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Glaringly obvious. Go on.
- Penny: As long as things keep going great between us, you'll keep asking me to marry you and eventually I'm going to end saying yes then we're going to be married forever and the whole think just freaks me out.
- Leonard Hofstadter: O.K. I know I propose a lot... so, how about this? I promise I will never ask you to marry me again.
- Penny: What? What do you mean? Are you breaking up with me?
- Leonard Hofstadter: No. No, no, no, no, no. But if someday you decide to you want to get married, you have to propose to me.
- Penny: Really?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yes. It's all on you. But I got to tell you when the time comes I want the whole nine yards; I want you down on one knee, flowers, I want to be swept off my feet.
- Penny: Yeah, you got it.
- Leonard Hofstadter: And I'm cool with surprises, but nothing on the Jumbotron. I don't want to cry on a big screen like that.
- Penny: O.K. You know what, this might be the wine talking, but I have a very important question to ask you.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You do?
- Penny: Leonard Hofstader.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yes?
- Penny: Will you be my valentine?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Sorry, maybe next year.
- [Leaves for the door, then turns around]
- Leonard Hofstadter: I'm just kidding. Romance ninja! Let's have sex! Whoo-yah!
- Penny: It's just not fair, okay? They're bad people. It's not supposed to end happy for them, it's supposed to end happy for me.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Um, it did end happy for you; you're here with me.
- Penny: Yeah, yeah, I know.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Now this is getting a little hard to not take personally.
- Penny: Oh, come on, don't make this about you.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, I'm not; it's about you.
- Penny: Yeah, well, whatever, okay? I told you Valentine's Day sucks.
- Leonard Hofstadter: This one does, and you're the reason why.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [after Penny's ex-boyfriend proposes in the restaurant] Two can play this game.
- [Gets down on one knee]
- Leonard Hofstadter: Penny...
- Penny: Get up!
- Leonard Hofstadter: All right.
- [last lines]
- Amy Farrah Fowler: [answers her phone] Hello?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Another medical emergency? What's wrong with him now?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I seriously doubt he was bitten by a Chinese bird spider.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: How exactly does a bump feel Asian?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Just put him on the phone.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, I am not driving over there again.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Because I drove over there yesterday for a brain tumor that turned out to be an ice cream headache.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes, I still want to be your emergency contact.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes, you can eat your ice cream too fast and also have a brain tumor.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm on my way.
- [ends the call]
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Brain tumor would explain a lot.
- Raj Koothrappali: Excuse me, everybody! Can I have your attention please? We're all here tonight because we have no one to be with. But, this doesn't make us mutants. The only mutants here are in these comic books. We gotta to stop defining our self-worth by whether or not we're in a relationship. You know what I see when I look around? I see a room full of great people. So let's give ourselves a break! We are a community, and as long as we have each other, we're never truly alone.
- [Crowd claps]
- Lucy: That was cool, what you said.
- Raj Koothrappali: You really think so?
- Lucy: Yeah, I do.
- Raj Koothrappali: Thank you. Would you like to, ah, get a cu, a cup of coffee?
- Lucy: OK.
- Raj Koothrappali: Later, losers!
- Penny: It's just there's so much pressure to make the night special, and it never works out.
- Leonard Hofstadter: 'Kay, well this time it's going to be different, because I am like a romance ninja. Hm. You don't see it coming, and then Bam! Romance! Watch out! Hearts! Kisses! Love! Boo-yah!
- Penny: You know, sometimes I think I've made you so much cooler than you used to be, and then you go and do that.
- Alex Jensen: Well, um, I know she loves playing the harp, so I found this
- [pulls out harp-shaped music box]
- Alex Jensen: beautiful music box that plays one of her favorite songs.
- Sheldon Cooper: Now, Amy already has a real harp, and it can play any song. What are you trying to pull here?
- Alex Jensen: Well, I just thought it would be...
- Sheldon Cooper: [sounding like a game-show buzzer] Nexxxt!
- Alex Jensen: OK, um, I know she's a fan of the Canterbury Tales,
- Sheldon Cooper: Mmmm.
- Alex Jensen: so I found this cool map that illustrates the characters' journey through England. I thought we could put it in a really nice frame.
- Sheldon Cooper: But she's got Google Maps on her phone.
- Alex Jensen: I don't know how to respond to that.
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, I hope it's with a third good option, because these first two - Bleah...
- Alex Jensen: OK. Well, uh, luckily, I saved the best for last. Since Amy's a neuroscientist, I did some research and found out that Santiago Ramón y Cajal, the father of modern neuroscience, did lots of hand drawings of brain cells, and I managed to find this signed print.
- Sheldon Cooper: Wow. Oh, this is truly remarkable.
- Alex Jensen: Thank you.
- Sheldon Cooper: I think I'll keep it for myself.
- Alex Jensen: What about your girlfriend?
- Sheldon Cooper: It's too late, I called dibs.
- Howard Wolowitz: She hid my X-Box like I'm a child. Yeah, and my mum got me that for my birthday, so if you don't give it back I'm telling.
- Howard Wolowitz: So where'd you hide it?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Where you'd never look.
- Howard Wolowitz: Damn it, it's in the washing machine.
- [first lines]
- Penny: You'll never believe what happened to me at work today.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Mph?
- Penny: This old guy was choking on his food and I saved his life.
- [she makes a choking sound]
- Leonard Hofstadter: You're kidding; did you Heimlich him?
- Penny: No, I said "Oh, my God, I think that old guy's choking!" and one of the busboys Heimliched him.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You're a hero!
- Penny: Yeah, that *was* the point of the story.
- Howard Wolowitz: I was trying to come up with something really romantic to give Bernadette for Valentine's Day, since she's been such a pain in the ass.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Can't find a card that says that?
- Howard Wolowitz: Check it out; I used the atomic force microscope in the materials science lab and wrote our initials in a heart one one-thousandth the size of a grain of sand.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh-hoho, that's cool.
- Howard Wolowitz: A micro-valentine for a microbiologist.
- Leonard Hofstadter: From her micro-husband.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: And I appreciate your effort, but upon contemplation, I decided I was being selfish. So, I cancelled our dinner reservations and came up with an even better way to celebrate Valentine's Day.
- Sheldon Cooper: What is that?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: By doing none of it. No dinner, no romance, no gifts. We stay here, order a pizza and watch one of your beloved Star War Trek things.
- Sheldon Cooper: Really?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, that's what you'd love, isn't it?
- Sheldon Cooper: More than anything.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, then, that's what we're going to do.
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, I don't know what to say. This is the most thoughtful gift that anyone's ever given me. And that's including an amazing gift that I gave myself earlier today.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: 'm your girlfriend. That's my job. And I know gift-giving puts a lot of pressure on you, so whatever you got me, you can return.
- Sheldon Cooper: No. No, after everything you didn't do for me tonight, I want you to have it.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: What's this?
- Sheldon Cooper: Read it.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon Cooper, Caltech University employee information?
- Sheldon Cooper: At the bottom.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: In case of emergency, please contact... Amy Farrah Fowler. And there's my phone number. This is the most beautiful gift you could've ever given me.
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, I thought, if I have a stroke or a kidney stone, who would I want to share that with?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: And you picked me.
- Sheldon Cooper: It's like you said, you're my girlfriend.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, Sheldon.
- [Hugs him]
- Sheldon Cooper: Yeah. Okay. Stop ruining Valentine's Day and order my pizza.
- Raj Koothrappali: How 'bout, uh, you keep the store open late, and we throw a party for all the people who don't have dates?
- Stuart: That actually sounds kinda nice.
- Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, the theme will be that the greatest love a man can have is the love he has with himself.
- Stuart: That's good, or maybe something a little less hand-in-pants.
- Sheldon Cooper: Ah, Alex, excellent. I have a research problem that I believe you can help with.
- Alex Jensen: Oh, Dr. Cooper, thank you. I've been waiting for an opportunity to contribute to your scientific work.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, no, no. That's not going to happen, no. What I need you to do is find a Valentine's gift for my girlfriend.
- Alex Jensen: You realize I passed up an opportunity to work at Fermilab to take this job with you.
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, I guess those chaps'll have to have someone else buy their girlfriends' presents. Now, here is, let's see, this is... this is about two thousand dollars. Um, I think she likes monkeys and the color grey.
- [Alex leaves]
- Sheldon Cooper: Contribute to my work. Ah, kids say the darnedest things.
- Raj Koothrappali: Nice that the people who are lonely on Valentine's Day can come here tonight and be together.
- Stuart: Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it. In fact, there's no place I'd rather be than here.
- Raj Koothrappali: Except on a date with anybody.
- Stuart: Literally anybody.
- Raj Koothrappali: Hey, Stuart, you got anything going on for Valentine's Day?
- Stuart: Not really, other than hiding all the sharp objects around here and white-knuckling it 'til morning.