- Jerry: I guess a lot of people are sneezing out there.
- Kleenex Guy: Jerry, Jerry, I'm gonna let you in on something, and it can't leave this room. Our research shows the primary use of our product is sperm.
- Jerry: What?
- Kleenex Guy: Yeah. And brace yourself for this. The second biggest use is women crying about nonsense.
- Jerry: But I thought sneezing was...
- Kleenex Guy: Jerry, Jerry... its sperm and nonsense.
- Carter Pewterschmidt: One of 'em's a Chinese. Boy, I don't like those people. But holy crap. Wind 'em up and watch 'em go.
- Carter Pewterschmidt: There's far more money to be made in treating a disease than in curing it. Why cure someone of cancer in a day if we can treat them for a lifetime and bill 'em every step along the way?
- Stewie Griffin: I don't know why you're surprised by this, Brian. Big corporations never tell the truth.