- Haley Dunphy: In 'Legally Blonde', Elle won her case because she was true to herself and dressed cute.
- Phil Dunphy: Haley, this is real life, not an excellent movie.
- Haley Dunphy: Why are you guys acting like this is my fault? Everybody was drinking, everybody ran. I just got caught. If anything, I'm the *victim* here.
- Phil Dunphy: What? Just stop-just stop talking, Haley. You're not the victim here, you're the one who screwed up! You made one bad decision after another, and now you're about to blow everything your mother and I worked so hard to give you. And the worst thing is, you don't seem to care. We all got up at 3:00 a.m. this morning to bail you out of jail! We haven't eaten a thing. And you know what I haven't heard from you yet? 'I'm sorry, Mom. I screwed up, Dad. Please forgive me.' Now, put on some real clothes. We'll see you at the hearing. Do not be late! Come on.
- [Impressed, Claire follows Phil to the door]
- Haley Dunphy: Where are you going?
- Claire Dunphy: To get that man a waffle!
- Jay Pritchett: [Answers his phone in the middle of the night] This better be good.
- Claire Dunphy: Haley got arrested for drinking. We gotta go bail her out. Do you still have a connection to that judge upstate?
- Jay Pritchett: He died.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ay! Who died?
- Jay Pritchett: An old friend of mine.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ay, Jay, I'm so sorry.
- Jay Pritchett: He died five years ago.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Then why are they calling us in the middle of the night to wake us up?
- Jay Pritchett: Nobody died. Haley's in jail.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Okay. That makes more sense.
- Jay Pritchett: Claire has to go bail her out.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [Takes the phone] Okay. Give me that. Claire, listen to me. Take a lot of cash. And when you flash it to the police, do no speak about it. Let the eyes do all the talking, okay?
- Manny Delgado: [Comes in] I heard the phone. Who died?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Jay's friend.
- Manny Delgado: Oh, Jay, I'm so sorry.
- Claire Dunphy: Okay, I can't do this again.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Making a child is the easy part. The hard part is *everything* that comes after. Keeping them safe...
- Cameron Tucker: Well, you can tell your mother that my scones are appropriately crunchy on the outside while delightfully dense on the ins-
- [Kids all scream as he swerves the car]
- Cameron Tucker: Saw that. Saw it.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Making sacrifices for them...
- Jay Pritchett: Hey, kid. I'll take you to that poetry reading thing tonight.
- Manny Delgado: Actually, DeDe and I were just talking. She's a huge fan of spoken word...
- DeDe Pritchett: ...and I would love to escort him.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Please.
- Jay Pritchett: Go.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: And standing by them, even when they let you down.
- Claire Dunphy: Haley has been arrested.
- Phil Dunphy: What?
- Cameron Tucker: [Wakes up as the phone rings] Phone! Phone. I bet that's mama. I was just dreaming it was raining chickens! Mitchell, answer the phone!
- Mitchell Pritchett: Look what I'm doing. Look what I'm doing, huh? Hello?
- Claire Dunphy: Hey, Mitchell. I'm sorry to wake you up, but Haley got arrested.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh, god. Haley got arrested.
- Cameron Tucker: That explains the chickens.
- Mitchell Pritchett: It does. It adds up.
- Alex Dunphy: Uncle Cam. I thought I heard your voice. What are you doing here? Where are my parents?
- Cameron Tucker: Well, the school called, and your sister won a big award.
- Alex Dunphy: Nice try. The only person who would believe that would be Haley.
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: She's in jail.
- Alex Dunphy: Jail?
- Cameron Tucker: Lily, what did I say?
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: That it was only a matter of time.
- Cameron Tucker: Okay, no, don't say that.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Jay, do you have some time today? We need to go and pick out a stroller.
- Jay Pritchett: Just get whatever you want. I mean, it's what you're gonna do anyway.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: What I want is a husband who likes to go shopping for a stroller with me.
- Jay Pritchett: If you had a husband who liked picking out strollers, you wouldn't be having a baby.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ay, Jay, it's so weird. The moment I came through the door, the baby started kicking like crazy, like it's trying to claw its way out of me.
- [Sees DeDe]
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Bruja!
- DeDe Pritchett: Oh, my God.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: What is she doing here?
- DeDe Pritchett: You're going to have a baby? I don't believe it.
- Jay Pritchett: [Gets between DeDe and Gloria] Uh, DeDe, don't get all crazy about this.
- [DeDe bursts out laughing]
- Jay Pritchett: What's happening?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Her brain. It snapped.
- DeDe Pritchett: Oh! You're going to be a father again, at your age. And here you were thinking you would just sail off into the sunset with your beautiful young wife, not a care in the world. This is fantastic! I think my uterus just fixed itself!
- Jay Pritchett: [to Gloria] Don't ask.
- Cameron Tucker: How you doing, Alex?
- Alex Dunphy: I'm fine, except for the crushing blow of knowing I'll never be a doctor. Or have a baby. I wonder what's going on with Haley.
- Cameron Tucker: I don't know. I've been so petty about your mom judging my parenting, I haven't even thought about what she's going through today. I feel awful. You know what? I should call her.
- Alex Dunphy: What are you talking about? Mom thinks you're a great parent.
- Cameron Tucker: She does?
- Luke Dunphy: Yeah. She just thinks you can't bake.
- Claire Dunphy: [Picks up Cam's call] Hello?
- Cameron Tucker: [Hangs up] Never mind.
- Claire Dunphy: You okay?
- Haley Dunphy: Yeah, I'm fine, mom.
- Claire Dunphy: Oh! What the hell were you thinking?
- Phil Dunphy: What happened?
- Haley Dunphy: Well, it's not a big deal, okay? There was a party, and people were drinking, so the police showed up. And everybody ran, so I did, too. And I started climbing down this fire escape, and then I heard a cop yell to put your hands up, so I did, and I fell... onto him.
- Claire Dunphy: You could have been killed. Haley, you're supposed to be an adult. How could you do something so childish...
- Phil Dunphy: Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- Claire Dunphy: ... and so stupid?
- Phil Dunphy: Let's-let's calm down. We're all a little tired and cranky. Best thing we can do right now is get out of here, go get some waffles...
- Claire Dunphy: I don't want waffles, Phil, okay? I'm upset and I want to do deal with this.
- Mitchell Pritchett: All right, I got some bad news here. Um, this afternoon, Haley has to appear before a disciplinary board, which will decide whether or not she gets kicked out of school.
- Claire Dunphy: What?
- Phil Dunphy: Oh...
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh, wait. Wait, no. I got that wrong. Oh, no, I got it right! Yes! Score. One for me.
- DeDe Pritchett: I don't remember him changing a single diaper.
- Jay Pritchett: What's that supposed to mean? You can't even remember killing your cat.
- DeDe Pritchett: Oh, I don't think I did. But I'm sure that you never changed any diapers.
- Jay Pritchett: It's just that you were better at it than I was.
- DeDe Pritchett: Oh, so I guess I was better at late-night feedings and cleaning spit-up, too.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You know what? He wouldn't help me pick up a stroller or a blanket or a bouncy chair.
- DeDe Pritchett: Oh, well, I had to get that stuff on my own. He was just useless.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: You poor thing. Makes all sense now why you became so crazy.
- DeDe Pritchett: Right?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Listen to me, Jay Pritchett. If you don't change your useless ways, you're gonna make me crazy, too! Like DeDe!
- Jay Pritchett: Gloria. Gloria!
- [Sarcastically to DeDe]
- Jay Pritchett: I just love our little visits.
- Phil Dunphy: [Waiting for Haley to be released] What is taking so long?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Well, in my experience, these things can take time. So... settle in. This-this could be a while.
- Phil Dunphy: [Haley comes out] There she is.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Damn it!
- Haley Dunphy: I really am sorry.
- Claire Dunphy: We appreciate that.
- Phil Dunphy: It's good that you stepped up today.
- Claire Dunphy: Yeah. Sometimes it's healthy to get a fresh start.
- Haley Dunphy: [Picks up a box from her empty side of the dorm room] Ugh. I can't believe this. What am I gonna do?
- Phil Dunphy: Well, they said you could reapply next year.
- Claire Dunphy: In the meantime, you're gonna get a job and you're gonna take some classes.
- Haley Dunphy: Well, I'm gonna buckle down and get a lot more serious.
- Phil Dunphy: Good for you.
- Claire Dunphy: Yeah.
- Phil Dunphy: Where are my keys?
- Haley Dunphy: Oh, they're right there on the makeup table.
- Claire Dunphy: Oh, honey. That's a desk.
- Cameron Tucker: [Luke is wearing his hospital gown backwards] Okay, Luke, the opening is supposed to be in the back.
- Luke Dunphy: No way. I don't want people to see my butt. Do I have to get another shot?
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: Are you going to cry again?
- Luke Dunphy: Should she be here?
- Cameron Tucker: Okay, you know what? Nobody's getting any more shots. We just have to wait for the swelling to go down. All right? I'm gonna go check on a little paperwork. I'll be right back.
- Alex Dunphy: [Puts on an extra lab coat and jokingly grabs Luke's leg] But if it doesn't go down, that leg might have to come off.
- Luke Dunphy: Sweet. Take them both. Then I could get some of those blade legs and finally be able to dunk.
- Alex Dunphy: Oh, my god. What are you doing here?
- Haley Dunphy: I got kicked out. So go ahead, make your jokes. Get it out of your system.
- Alex Dunphy: [Gives her a hug] No, that's horrible. I'm so sorry. It'll be fine. I'm sure of it.
- Haley Dunphy: Thank you. Ew, what did you do to my room?
- Alex Dunphy: Well, it's not exactly your room. It's-it's mine.
- Haley Dunphy: This goes. This goes. I hate *that*. This is ugly.
- Alex Dunphy: Haley, stop!
- Alex Dunphy, Haley Dunphy: Mom!
- Haley Dunphy: What is this, a solar system?
- Alex Dunphy: It's molecules.
- Haley Dunphy: They're nerdy balls.
- Luke Dunphy: Alex, don't fight with her. She might have a shiv.
- [Holds his hands up and backs away]
- Luke Dunphy: We cool?
- Jay Pritchett: [In side interview] Turns out Gloria being pregnant somehow made DeDe think of her as less trophy, more human. And all the animosity she had for Gloria just wafted up in the air...
- DeDe Pritchett: I hope you're hiring a nanny, because this one won't lift a finger.
- Jay Pritchett: [Back in interview] -and landed right on top of me.
- Aidan Schwartz: You are charged with public drunkenness, resisting arrest, and assaulting a police officer, all of which *obviously* violate our school's code of conduct.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Sir, if I may speak on behalf of my client...
- Dean Miller: Who are you?
- Mitchell Pritchett: I'm Mitchell Pritchett, I'm Ms. Dunphy's attorney.
- Aidan Schwartz: We require students to speak for themselves. There are no attorneys allowed. You shouldn't even be here.
- Mitchell Pritchett: What if I just sat in this chair and I was really super quiet and I just listen?
- Aidan Schwartz: I'll allow it.
- Dean Miller: Knock it off, Aidan. Miss Dunphy, is there anything you would like to say in your defense?
- Haley Dunphy: Actually, I have no defense. I was drinking. I am underage. I ran from the police. And even though it was an accident, I injured an officer. I am very, very sorry. I've made a lot of bad decisions since I've been here, and it's time I take some responsibility. Like sometimes in the dining hall, I slip my pinky under the scale when they weigh my salad. Also, I've missed more morning classes than I've been to. I don't know what the policy is on dating TAs, but I think I broke it. Twice.
- Phil Dunphy: [Under his breath] Oh, man.
- Haley Dunphy: And if we're gonna be completely honest, on my application to get in here, I lied about the fact that I was...
- Phil Dunphy: Uh, objection!
- Aidan Schwartz: On what grounds?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh, he gets to say it? He gets...
- Dean Miller: Ms. Dunphy. Ms. Dunphy, we appreciate your... candor. Is there anything else you'd like to add?
- Haley Dunphy: Go, Wildcats?
- Dean Miller: Oh, boy.
- Aidan Schwartz: That's not even our mascot.
- Jay Pritchett: [Walks into the kitchen as Gloria slams cabinet doors] What are you looking for?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Nothing! I am making a lot of noise because I'm angry!
- Jay Pritchett: Gloria, I'm gonna help you with the baby.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I am not young like with Manny. I am tired already, and it's gonna get harder from here! I can't do this on my own, and *you* did this to me, so you're going to be here this time!
- Jay Pritchett: Back then, we were living paycheck to paycheck. The reason I wasn't around is I was working all the time. Believe me, DeDe wasn't the only one having sleepless nights. But now it's different. Now I can help you with everything.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Really?
- [Hugs Jay]
- Jay Pritchett: Let's start right now.
- [Points to a stroller in a magazine]
- Jay Pritchett: I like that one.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Which one?
- Jay Pritchett: That silver stroller.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: No, we're going to get the green one.
- Jay Pritchett: Great. What's next? How about I pick out the wrong crib?
- Cameron Tucker: [to Luke] Hey. You're looking a lot better. How you feeling?
- Luke Dunphy: Better than Kidney Stones over there.
- Cameron Tucker: Yeah, you know what? Now that you're doing better, I think I should call your mom and tell her what happened. You know, I know it was a bit of a rough ride in the beginning, but the important thing is I handled it. And everybody's okay.
- Luke Dunphy: What happened to *her*?
- Mitchell Pritchett: [Answering Cam's call] Hello?
- Orderly: [Wheeling in Alex on a stretcher] She passed out watching a C-section.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Cam?
- Cameron Tucker: [High-pitched voice] Never mind!
- Claire Dunphy: What are you wearing?
- Haley Dunphy: What? What's wrong with it?
- Claire Dunphy: Honey, you are fighting for your future in front of a disciplinary committee, not entertaining the Secret Service.
- Dean Miller: Haley Dunphy?
- Haley Dunphy: Yes, that's me.
- Dean Miller: I'm Dean Miller with Admissions. This is Professor Williams.
- Haley Dunphy: Hi.
- Dean Miller: And this is our student representative, Aidan Feldman.
- Haley Dunphy: Nice to meet you.
- Aidan Schwartz: Seriously? We sit next to each other in Econ.
- Haley Dunphy: Oh, right. You...
- Aidan Schwartz: Don't. It insults both of us. Mostly me.
- Dean Miller: Move it along, Aidan. This is a disciplinary hearing, not JDate.
- Manny Delgado: Mom, I'm home!
- DeDe Pritchett: Oh, hi, Manny.
- Manny Delgado: DeDe. How are you?
- DeDe Pritchett: Good.
- Manny Delgado: DeDe, it's me. How are you really?
- DeDe Pritchett: I'm on a better path.
- Manny Delgado: It's a journey.
- DeDe Pritchett: Thank you for asking, Manny. And thank you for your letters.
- Manny Delgado: It's a lost art. No one puts pen to paper anymore.
- Mitchell Pritchett: [At Haley's dorm] Oh. Oh. Oh, no. Who lives like this? When I had a dorm room, it was-
- [Steps around mess on the floor]
- Mitchell Pritchett: -oh, it was spotless. Can we just agree that girls are dirtier than boys?
- Claire Dunphy: What should we do?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Well, I'd like to start by picking up some of these clothes, then...
- Claire Dunphy: I meant *about the hearing*, Felix. Do we have a game plan?
- Phil Dunphy: I think the best thing we can do is walk in there as a family and let them know we support Haley no matter what.
- Claire Dunphy: At this rate, we are going to be supporting Haley for the rest of our lives.
- Mitchell Pritchett: [Sits on the bed and jumps back up] Okay. Oh, I... I just sat on half a peach, so I-no, I can't do this. I'm-I'm waiting outside. Disgusting.
- Phil Dunphy: Look, this has got to be some kind of mistake. Our daughter's tiny. There's no way she assaulted anyone. Insulted, maybe. Was-was the cop wearing white socks and dark shoes? 'Cause that really sets her off.
- Police Officer: Maybe you should watch this.
- [Shows them dashcam footage of Haley falling off a fire escape into a police officer]
- Phil Dunphy, Claire Dunphy, Mitchell Pritchett: Ooh!
- Mitchell Pritchett: Okay. Now, that's very blurry footage. How can we be sure that that's Haley?
- Haley Dunphy: [In the video] Don't hurt me! I'm just a student! I'm Haley Dunphy!
- Phil Dunphy: We're here for Haley Dunphy.
- Mitchell Pritchett: I'm Mitchell Pritchett. I'm Ms. Dunphy's attorney.
- Police Officer: She won't be needing a lawyer today.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh, I think I'll be the judge of that. I'd like to confer with my client now. Thank you.
- Police Officer: All you have to do is post bail, and she's all yours.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Really? Oh. That-that's fantastic.
- Claire Dunphy: Sir, I am in no mood to defend my daughter today, believe me. But do you think it is the best use of resources to lock up college kids who've had a few drinks?
- Police Officer: Ma'am, your daughter was charged with resisting arrest and assaulting a police officer.
- Phil Dunphy: What?
- Claire Dunphy: Ooh.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Wow. You probably should've called a real lawyer, 'cause I don't... I'm not...
- Claire Dunphy: Shh!
- Mitchell Pritchett: Hey, Claire, do you wanna pick it up a little bit? Since when do you drive the speed limit?
- Claire Dunphy: My daughter has been arrested for drinking. I would like her to sit in jail and think about that. As a matter of fact, I might stop and do a little outlet shopping. Who wants a pair of last year's sunglasses, huh?
- Phil Dunphy: Honey... try to relax.
- Claire Dunphy: I don't feel like relaxing, Phil! She has been in college for *six weeks*.
- Phil Dunphy: Yeah, and everyone goes a little crazy at first. I remember one night freshman year, a bunch of us on the frisbee golf team got a case of Zima. Enough zaid.
- Claire Dunphy: More than enough.
- [Cut to side interview]
- Claire Dunphy: I'm not gonna lie. Sometimes it bothers me how calm Phil is under pressure. It's like... like *I'm* the one who's overreacting.
- Phil Dunphy: That's good. Let it out. It's g...
- Claire Dunphy: I'm going to kill you.
- Cameron Tucker: Okay, okay, we have to, uh, get you to the, uh, hospital! Okay, Luke, put the fakon down!
- Luke Dunphy: I'm using it to scratch my throat!
- Manny Delgado: So, who wants to come with me to the spoken word festival this evening? I only have two tickets, so somebody's gonna be disappointed.
- Jay Pritchett: I think it's gonna be you.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ay, Manny, I would go with you, but I'm so tired.
- Jay Pritchett: You just woke up. How are you tired?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Maybe because I'm turning food into a human! Jay will take you.
- Jay Pritchett: Sorry, I would love to go to the spoken word festival, but I'm already going to the I'd-rather-blow-my-brains-out jamboree.
- Manny Delgado: I can't believe this. I'm living in a cultural wasteland.
- Jay Pritchett: With a heated pool.
- Luke Dunphy: This is the best bacon I've ever had.
- Cameron Tucker: Oh, well. I can't wait to tell your Uncle Mitchell that you love it.
- Alex Dunphy: Why would Uncle Mitch care?
- Cameron Tucker: [Dialing Mitchell's number] Because, my dear, that bacon you're eating isn't bacon at all, no, no, no. It's made entirely of soy.
- Alex Dunphy: Luke's allergic to soy! His throat closes! He can't breathe!
- Mitchell Pritchett: [Picks up] Hello?
- Cameron Tucker: [Hangs up] Never mind!
- Jay Pritchett: I was dreading DeDe finding out that Gloria's pregnant. It's the one thing DeDe's hung on to, that she's the mother of my kids. And considering their history...
- [Flash back to multiple encounters which often end with DeDe's hands around Gloria's neck]
- Jay Pritchett: ... I wasn't exactly look forward to round four. Especially now that Gloria's a bigger, slower target.
- DeDe Pritchett: Good morning, Jay. Namaste.
- Jay Pritchett: Let's not do this.
- DeDe Pritchett: Oh, fine, silly. I'm on my way to a retreat in Ojai, and since I'm passing through town, I thought I'd pick up that photo album.
- Jay Pritchett: You know, it's really not a good time.
- DeDe Pritchett: [Pleading] Oh, please!
- Jay Pritchett: All right. I'll meet you on the street. Drive by slow with the window open.
- Phil Dunphy: Can you believe how many waffle places we passed?
- Mitchell Pritchett: I can't believe how much Dad belittles me.
- Phil Dunphy: What were there, five? Six?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Okay, I edited the Law Review. I passed the bar on my first try. I have a briefcase.
- Phil Dunphy: I'm counting them on the way back.
- Claire Dunphy: Can we focus?
- Claire Dunphy: Hi, Dad.
- Jay Pritchett: Hey, Claire. Any updates?
- Claire Dunphy: Not yet, but we're almost there.
- Jay Pritchett: Last time you were over at the house, you were looking at that photo album. What'd you do with it?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh, Dad, that was me. I think I put it on the shelf behind the bar.
- Jay Pritchett: What are you doing there?
- Mitchell Pritchett: [singsongy] They asked me to come along in case they needed a lawyer.
- Jay Pritchett: Shouldn't they have a *real* lawyer?
- Phil Dunphy: Oh, God. Should we?
- Mitchell Pritchett: I *am* a real lawyer, people. Environmental law is a thing.
- Jay Pritchett: Don't get all sensitive on me. I mean someone who doesn't defend pandas.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Yeah, Dad, 'cause that's what I do. I-I defend pandas in court.
- Phil Dunphy: That's adorable.
- Jay Pritchett: You know what I'm talking about. Haley needs someone who knows criminal law, like Perry Mason.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Okay, so *I'm* not a real lawyer, but Perry Mason is?
- Cameron Tucker: This boy can't breathe. He's having a severe allergic reaction.
- Luke Dunphy: No, you're squeezing me.
- Cameron Tucker: He needs medicine. His throat is closing up.
- Nurse: Okay, hold on.
- [Picking up phone receiver]
- Nurse: We have an allergic reaction. A young boy. Obstructed breathing.
- [Hangs up]
- Nurse: What happened?
- Cameron Tucker: Well, somebody gave him some soy bacon that was so good, he couldn't tell the difference.
- [His phone rings and he answers]
- Cameron Tucker: Mitchell, I can't talk right now.
- Claire Dunphy: Can, it's Claire. My phone died. I just wanted to a make sure the kids got to school okay.
- Cameron Tucker: Oh, yeah, of course they did. Why wouldn't they have?
- Orderly: I hear we got a boy who can't breathe?
- Alex Dunphy: Right here!
- Claire Dunphy: What was that?
- Cameron Tucker: Oh, I'm just watching an original Lifetime movie called 'The Boy Who Can't Breathe'.
- Claire Dunphy: That sounded like Alex.
- Cameron Tucker: Nope. Just Amanda Bynes. Okay, gotta go!
- Alex Dunphy: How long is this gonna take? I should be in school. I'm missing Biology right now.
- Cameron Tucker: You're in a hospital. Just step out into the hallway. Listen to the nurses and doctors talk. You'll learn more about science and humanity here than you would in a classroom in an entire semester.
- Nurse: Attention! If there's a yogurt in the fridge that says *Teresa*, then only *Teresa* gets to eat it!
- Cameron Tucker: Drama. Soak it in.
- Jay Pritchett: Hello, DeDe. How you doing?
- DeDe Pritchett: Oh, mostly fine. I have something called a telescoping uterus. Long story.
- Jay Pritchett: Aw, jeez.
- Mitchell Pritchett: What did she get arrested for?
- Claire Dunphy: Oh, she got caught drinking at some party. Look, could you drive up to the college with us? I think we're gonna need a lawyer.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Yes, of course. And Cam and Lily can come over and stay with Alex and Luke.
- Cameron Tucker: I'll guard them with my life.
- Claire Dunphy: I hate to bother him.
- Mitchell Pritchett: No, no, don't be silly. He's happy to do it. Okay, we'll be over in a little bit.
- [Hangs up]
- Mitchell Pritchett: Okay.
- Cameron Tucker: Oh, I get it. When you told Claire I would come over and watch the kids, she was resistant, because she doesn't trust my parenting skills.
- Mitchell Pritchett: No, don't-don't be silly. She just didn't want to put you out.
- Cameron Tucker: She's got a daughter behind bars and she's got the nerve to say *I'm* a bad parent? You didn't defend me.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Because she didn't say anything.
- Cameron Tucker: Why are you protecting her?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Why is no one protecting *me*?
- Cameron Tucker: Been on a little bit of a health kick lately, so I took a vegan cooking class, and my new thing is 'fakon'. It's like real bacon.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Except for the look, the texture, and the taste.
- Cameron Tucker: Maybe the store-bought kind. But I make my own, so it's not even real fakon. It's faux-fakon. 'Faux-kon'.
- Mitchell Pritchett: It's faux-kon disgusting.
- Cameron Tucker: You can't tell the difference.
- [Cut to flashback of a taste test]
- Cameron Tucker: And guess which one's the real one?
- Mitchell Pritchett: [Immediately points to the real one] That one.
- [Is blindfolded but still points to the real one]
- Mitchell Pritchett: That one.
- [Cam switches the plates]
- Mitchell Pritchett: Still that one.
- Medical Resident: How you feeling, champ? What do we got here?
- [Grabs Luke's chart]
- Medical Resident: The patient presents bronchial inflammation, dermal pruritus, and minor angioedema. Who can tell me the cause?
- Alex Dunphy: [pause as the students look at their notes] It's an allergic reaction to soy.
- Medical Resident: Very good. The rest of you have a lot to learn. Let's keep moving.
- Alex Dunphy: [to Lily as she follows the group out of the room] Stay with Luke.
- Jay Pritchett: This is beautiful. Look at you two, having a conversation like old friends.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Well, it's easier to talk to her when she's not choking me.
- DeDe Pritchett: I'm sorry. I went through a bad patch there when I was trying to find the right balance with my meds. I recently discovered my cat Frances buried in the backyard. I'm just praying that she died first.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Maybe you can dogsit for the shoe-eater one day.
- [Points at Stella while Jay covers her ears]
- DeDe Pritchett: Oh, well, she is a... funny-looking thing.
- Jay Pritchett: [to Stella] Don't listen to them. You're beautiful.