- Manny Delgado: Look, I'm Mexico, again. Doesn't anyone care that I'm not from Mexico?
- Luke Dunphy: You keep saying that, but we've never seen a birth certificate.
- Alex Dunphy: Last summer, my sister took a totally humiliating photo of me. Then she posted it to Facebook and refused to take it down. It got 873 likes. Meanwhile, there's not one embarrassing photo of Haley. Even her mug shots were cute. Today, I get my revenge. One photo of Haley, dirty, sweaty, picking up trash like a criminal. It'll be my finest moment. In a few years, I hope to have some more friends and not have time for this kind of stuff.
- Jay Pritchett: Gloria needs watching. She's got a serious case of pregnancy brain. Last week, I found a bar of soap in the fridge and a stick of butter in the shower. I walked around all day smelling like a bucket of popcorn.
- Manny Delgado: Better than the toast I ate.
- Jay Pritchett: Yet you ate the second piece.
- Jay Pritchett: And for God's sake, change out of those wingtips. You're a kid, you're not Nixon on the beach.
- Manny Delgado: Fine. I'll put on my sporty shoes. Where are they?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: They're still in the box. And don't forget to take out the paper before you put them on, okay?
- Jay Pritchett: And they're called sneakers!
- Claire Dunphy: You don't make a shiv out of a knife.
- Phil Dunphy: Yeah. You make it out of a rusty spoon, or a shard of glass.
- Claire Dunphy: Or a human femur.
- Phil Dunphy: Exactly. Be creative.
- Cameron Tucker: You're a list maker. I'm a dreamer. Sean Penn would play me in a movie, or Anne Hathaway if they were going for a female-driven vehicle.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Who would be playing your long suffering partner?
- Cameron Tucker: Julianne Moore either way.
- Mitchell Pritchett: I would see that. I totally would.
- Cameron Tucker: Mitchell, where we the first day Lily rolled over?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Under this tree.
- Cameron Tucker: Where is home base when we play hide and go seek?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Under this tree.
- Cameron Tucker: And where did we take shelter during that dangerous lightning storm?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Wasn't a good idea, but it was under this tree.
- Jay Pritchett: I wasn't worried. I boxed in the navy. And besides, it was Phil. I never thought I'd say this, but I'd rather box my daughter's husband than my son's.
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: It's a nightmare.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Well, someone's picked up her daddy's gift for hyperbole.
- Phil Dunphy: Sorry about that. I went a little nuts there. I don't know what happened.
- Jay Pritchett: I do. I was ragging on you in front of your friends.
- Phil Dunphy: Oh, yeah.
- Jay Pritchett: Sorry about that. I couldn't think of anything else to say.
- Phil Dunphy: Why not?
- Jay Pritchett: I got 20, 25 years on those guys. We got nothing in common. It's only gonna get worse. I mean, what's it gonna be like with the new kid in ten years?
- Phil Dunphy: Oh, my goodness. You're insecure and vulnerable. This is the cutest thing I've ever seen.
- Jay Pritchett: Shut up.
- Phil Dunphy: Who's a shy bunny?
- Jay Pritchett: You wanna go one more round, without the gloves?
- Phil Dunphy: I'm just playing around, Jay. I don't care how old you are. I could sit and talk to you all day. Those guys really liked you, too.
- Jay Pritchett: I don't care about that. Did they? Even Jerry?
- Phil Dunphy: Yes.
- Jay Pritchett: Well, maybe you're right. I mean, Manny didn't wanna come, and look at him. Looks like he's having a great time.
- Manny Delgado: [entertaining a group of kids nearby] So then Luke's dad grabs the taser from me, and he was like...
- [imitating Phil getting tased]
- Phil Dunphy: No. No! That's not how it happened.
- Park Worker: My supervisor wants to know if you have a history of mental illness.
- Cameron Tucker: No, sir, I do not.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Eh. Mm.
- Haley Dunphy: Alex, what are you doing here?
- Alex Dunphy: Learning a valuable lesson about karma and how wrong it is to take pleasure in people's embarrassment.
- Haley Dunphy: Wow. I don't know what any of that means, but you look like hell.
- [taking a picture with her phone]
- Haley Dunphy: Say "geek."
- Alex Dunphy: No!
- Haley Dunphy: [pointing to the guy she's with] He's a vandalizer!
- Alex Dunphy: [in testimonial interviews] 593 likes and counting.
- Phil Dunphy: Hey, guys, this is Jay, my father-in-law. Manny's stepdad.
- Bill: Hey, what's up, Jay-Lo?
- Jay Pritchett: Okay, guys, I'll see you later.
- Manny Delgado: What's the matter, Jay? Afraid to step outside your comfort zone?
- Jay Pritchett: I will send you back to Mexico.
- Alex Dunphy: I had about ten pretty bad pictures of Haley. I could have quit right there, but I'm a perfectionist. I thought, "I could do better. She could look worse."
- [as she takes pictures, she's startled by a passing car honking its horn and she drops her phone down a sewer grate]
- Alex Dunphy: Oh, my god.
- Luke Dunphy: [playing tug-of-war] Come on, guys! You're killing us!
- Doug: Where the heck is Mexico?
- Manny Delgado: Good news, gentlemen! I found another rope. If we double-dutch, everyone wins.
- Cameron Tucker: Listen, I called Jay about borrowing a drill for my dresser handles.
- Jay Pritchett: I got it right here, Cam. Oh, jeez. What's with the getup?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ay, good. You see that, too?
- Jay Pritchett: [his bulldog Stella barks at Cam] Stella, stop.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ay, shh, shh, shh, shh. Sorry, Cam.
- Cameron Tucker: Oh, no, don't be. I take it as a compliment.
- [he hisses like a cat and Stella runs away]
- Cameron Tucker: "Cats", now and forever. Actually, just 'til next Thursday. It's been described as "transcendent."
- Mitchell Pritchett: Cam, what are you doing up there?
- Cameron Tucker: I came down to say goodbye to the tree, give it one final hug, and before I knew it, was up here.
- Mitchell Pritchett: When you say "one final hug"...
- Cameron Tucker: If I'm occupying the tree, they can't cut it down. I Googled it. It's a thing.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Okay, Lily, see, this is a nightmare.
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: Tell me about it.
- Cameron Tucker: It was a great ending to an amazing day. Look, I even made the paper. "Bizarre protest saves park tree." Oh, look, what it says. "This production of 'Cats' should be put to sleep."
- Cameron Tucker: Mitchell, I get two more shows! Kenny Van Heffington's toenail is infected!
- Mitchell Pritchett: Just get up here, all right? The crew has to leave at dark, so you have until then.
- Cameron Tucker: Easy peasy. Sweetie, tell Daddy what you thought of my performance.
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: Transcendent.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh, jeez.
- Cameron Tucker: Is this sap?
- [he licks his hand like a cat licking its paw]
- Mitchell Pritchett: All right, Cam, let's hear. What's the plan?
- Cameron Tucker: I don't know. I'm sort of making it up as I go.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Are you sure you wanna do this?
- Cameron Tucker: Yes. I've never been more sure about anything in my life. We need to teach our daughter the value of taking a stand, no matter the sacrifice!
- [his cell phone rings]
- Cameron Tucker: Hello? Done. I'll be right there.
- [hanging up]
- Cameron Tucker: Mitchell, you need to get up here. I have to go.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Excuse me?
- Cameron Tucker: That was my theater troupe. An actor's sick. I have to go and do the matinee.
- Mitchell Pritchett: What happened to showing Lily the value of taking a stand?
- Cameron Tucker: It's the lead. It's also important to show her the value of honoring one's commitments. And in this case, my commitment preceded my stand!
- Jay Pritchett: So he's out in our yard and he's got a boombox; what's the name of that movie with the boombox?
- Jerry: Oh, "Say Anything."
- Jay Pritchett: Right, with John Mahoney. So anyway, he's out there, and he's begging Claire for forgiveness. She's still mad at him. She won't have any of it. So he turns it up full blast, and it's Olivia Newton-John.
- [laughter]
- Jay Pritchett: And he starts singing, "Let's get Phil-sical!"
- Phil Dunphy: It was an inside joke.
- Jay Pritchett: Well, not anymore!
- Phil Dunphy: Okay, enough with the funny Phil stories.
- Jay Pritchett: No, but I haven't even gotten to the best part yet. So he's doing his little dance, and I can't take it anymore, so I nail him with the sprinklers!
- Phil Dunphy: Yep, and you also shorted out my boombox, which you said you'd replace and you never did.
- Jay Pritchett: I never said that!
- Phil Dunphy: Yes, you did. You still owe me one boombox, 12 "D" batteries, and an Olivia Newton-John cassingle.
- Jay Pritchett: Huh. Okay, uh... why don't we settle it in the ring? We get in there, and if you beat me, I'll buy you any boombox you want. If I beat you, then you've gotta do your little dance for everyone.
- Bill, Jerry: Yeah!
- Phil Dunphy: I'm in. Let's get Phil-sical.
- Phil Dunphy: Okay, hold still. And wait for it... this is what you'd look like fat and bald.
- Bill: On my phone, that app's called a camera.
- Phil Dunphy: Bill, don't do that to yourself. Let me tell you something. Ellen is one lucky woman.
- Jay Pritchett: [Phil's friends laugh] Why is that funny?
- Phil Dunphy: Because she's married to Jerry.
- Jerry: Jay, you got any good apps?
- Jay Pritchett: I don't know. I got call waiting. Is that an app?
- [they laugh again]
- Jay Pritchett: You guys laugh a lot, huh?
- Phil Dunphy: Jay's a little technologically challenged.
- Jay Pritchett: From a guy who can't drive a stick.
- Jerry: What?
- Bill: You can't?
- Phil Dunphy: Well...
- Jay Pritchett: He called me to rescue him one time. He got stuck on a hill. He was afraid to let go of the clutch. By the time I got there, traffic's backed up half a mile, everybody's yelling at him. He's in tears.
- Phil Dunphy: Not tears. Maybe sweat.
- Jay Pritchett: Yeah, sweatin' out your eyes.
- Claire Dunphy: What hospital are we going to?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: No! No hospital!
- Claire Dunphy: No hospital. Wow. Oh, you're one of those, huh? Okay, please don't have it in the pool, though. 'Cause we swim in there.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I'm not having the baby, Claire. I was just faking it.
- Claire Dunphy: What?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [holding up a bottle of water] Not bad for someone with pregnancy brain, huh?
- Claire Dunphy: Okay, that's good. That was very good. Good thinking, Gloria.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I'm sorry. I just couldn't sit there and watch you suffer just because you had turned your brain off.
- Claire Dunphy: Okay, I deserve that.
- [hearing a police siren behind them]
- Claire Dunphy: Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no. I just blew through a red light. Damn. You think you can keep the pregnancy thing up for a little while longer?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [moaning in pain] Ahh! Ay! I feel the head!
- Claire Dunphy: Could we just...
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Feel it! Feel it!
- Claire Dunphy: Save it! Save it for the cop! Save it.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Where did you go?
- Claire Dunphy: To get a sweatshirt. We've been standing in the frozen food aisle for half an hour.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I didn't really call you, did I?
- Claire Dunphy: No, my dad did. But I thought you knew.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ugh. I want to be so mad at him, but he's right. I have two brains in my body, but I've never been so dumb.
- Claire Dunphy: It happens. I get it. You have another human being inside of you, competing for resources. Look, when I was pregnant with Alex, I could barely remember my name.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Same with Haley and Luke?
- Claire Dunphy: Mm, not so much. They kinda just hung out in there, let me do my thing.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Thank you for understanding. I am glad that you came. It will help me not to forget stuff.
- Claire Dunphy: [stopping her as Gloria tries to get out of the still-moving car] I'm glad I can help out. I... whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Why didn't you stop first?
- Manny Delgado: Gentlemen, you wanna know about the real ultimate frisbee? Walk with one balanced on your head for 50 meters. It is a measure of poise, balance, and posture.
- Doug: Let's just whip the frisbees at each other as hard as we can and see who quits first.
- Luke Dunphy: Frisbee smash. Awesome! Let's go!
- Manny Delgado: Oh, my god, I'm Sisyphus.
- Luke Dunphy: A big one!
- Claire Dunphy: Why would I buy hundreds of dollars worth of merchandise and then steal a $20 sweatshirt?
- Store Manager: I don't know. Maybe you do it for the thrill. I know your type. You're a bored housewife, drives a minivan, husband spends a little too much time online. Got a couple of kids, a college degree you don't use.
- Claire Dunphy: You could not be more wrong.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Yes. She has three kids.
- Claire Dunphy: Okay. No, no, no. No, no. No, that's not helping. Look, as I said before, it was an accident.
- Store Manager: Heard it a thousand times. Grandmothers, businessmen, honor students, they all say the same thing: "it was an accident. I don't know how that clock radio got in my pants."
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Oh, for god's sake! I don't feel well. Let us go.
- Store Manager: Yeah, right. Is that even a baby? 'Cause from here, it looks like a turkey. I need you to sign this, admitting your guilt and promising you'll never return to this store.
- Claire Dunphy: I'm not signing that.
- Store Manager: Okay, great. Then I'm gonna call the police and I'll be forced to...
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Ahh!
- Store Manager: [hearing liquid splatter on the floor] What was that?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: My water broke! I'm having the baby!
- Haley Dunphy: [picking up trash by the highway for community service] Oh, my god! A gold bracelet! Hey, can we keep what we find?
- Terry: All right, pal. Come down from the tree.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Sorry, can't do that.
- Terry: Come down before we pull you down.
- Terry's Partner: Wh... hey. Ease up. What's the problem?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Look, I don't wanna be up here. You know? But this is my daughter's favorite tree. And my partner, he's all up in arms about them cutting it down, so...
- Terry's Partner: Well, if your partner's so worked up, why isn't he here?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh, well, that's a very good question. It's because he starts things and he doesn't finish them, so then I have to.
- Terry's Partner: Just like my wife. You know, my therapist would say we're enabling them.
- Terry: You and your therapist.
- Terry's Partner: Well, I wouldn't have to see him if you hadn't shot that guy.
- Terry: Aw, that again? Look, let's just spray him with the fire hose.
- Terry's Partner: You're not helping, Terry. It's not your fight. So why don't you do us a favor and come on down?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Because he's right, all right? That's the frustrating part. I-I've been sitting up here these past few hours, and... this tree is beautiful, okay? And I-I can hear the... the squirrels dancing through the branches, you know, chasing each other. No idea what's about to happen. You know, this isn't just a tree. This is a home.
- Park Worker: Yeah, to, like, a hundred rats. They're all over this thing.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Well, that changes nothing. I will wait you guys out all night if I have to.
- [dialing his phone]
- Mitchell Pritchett: Cam, you got 20 minutes and I'm out of this tree.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Cam, do you remember why I didn't want you to swap out the handles on Lily's dresser?
- Cameron Tucker: Because you lack a designer's eye and fear change?
- Mitchell Pritchett: No. Because I was afraid two weeks would go by and we'd still be using a spatula to get at Lily's clothes.
- Claire Dunphy: Hey, Gloria. So, ready to go?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Where?
- Claire Dunphy: Thought we were doing a Costco run.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [staring daggers at Jay] Oh, I see what this is. You called Claire to babysit the stupid pregnant lady!
- Jay Pritchett: You're the one who called her.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I did?
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Manny, it's a beautiful day outside. Go on. Enjoy your Dougy-lympics.
- Jay Pritchett: You don't have to win a medal. Just have fun.
- Manny Delgado: Doug finishes with the most medals no matter what. Plus, I think he only invites me because he likes to match skin color to nation. I know that's why Alan Yan gets invited.
- Jay Pritchett: Manny, while we're young!
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: He doesn't want to go. That's why he's taking so long with the primping.
- Jay Pritchett: A boy his age should do exactly zero primping.
- [Manny comes downstairs]
- Jay Pritchett: You ready?
- Manny Delgado: Not in the least.
- Jay Pritchett: [sarcastic] That's the spirit.
- Claire Dunphy: Haley! Hurry up! You're gonna be late. Alex, what are you doing?
- Alex Dunphy: I need to document Haley's first day on the chain gang.
- Phil Dunphy: It's not a chain gang. It's community service. And leave her alone. She feels bad enough as it is.
- Haley Dunphy: [entering] Okay, I'm torn. On one hand, I'm like, "Ugh, I have to pick up garbage all day." And on the other hand, I'm like, "Look at me in orange."
- [Alex takes a picture]
- Haley Dunphy: Aw, that's cute. Send that to me.
- Cameron Tucker: They are literally chainsawing paradise to put up a parking lot.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh, it's too bad.
- Cameron Tucker: We have to do something.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Well, if we knew earlier, we could.
- Cameron Tucker: I blame myself. I've taken on too much.
- Mitchell Pritchett: What exactly have you taken on?
- Cameron Tucker: Are you kidding me? Teaching music? This dresser handle project? My role in the musical?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh, that.
- Cameron Tucker: You know what? I don't like your tone. The understudy's the most challenging role in any production. You have to be ready at a moment's notice to go on and face a disappointed audience who was there to see Kenny Van Heffington.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Our insurance guy?
- Cameron Tucker: He's breathtaking.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Really?
- Cameron Tucker: Yeah, I hate him. Anyway, what was I talking about?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Putting new handles on the dresser.
- Cameron Tucker: Right. The tree. I have to do something.
- Lily Tucker-Pritchett: [trying to open a drawer with a spatula] I can't live like this.
- Manny Delgado: This kid in my class, Doug Brooks, has a sports-themed birthday party every year. All boys. All sports. All day. He calls it the Doug-lympics, which might make sense if he did it every four years, or if his name was Al. Let's just say nothing about it works.
- Luke Dunphy: [Luke improvised a shiv for her] It's really sweet of you, Luke, but there's just gonna be a bunch of drunk drivers and vandalizers who were stupid enough to get caught.
- Alex Dunphy: Or stupid enough to use the word "vandalizers".
- [blank stares]
- Alex Dunphy: It's "vandals".
- Claire Dunphy: Oh.
- Phil Dunphy: Oh.
- Alex Dunphy: I'm so alone.
- Luke Dunphy: [roaring to scare Haley, she, Claire, and Alex jump] They're gonna eat you alive, suburbia.
- Claire Dunphy: Haley had a little run-in with the law in college.
- Phil Dunphy: She was arrested for assaulting a police officer.
- Haley Dunphy: Accidentally. I fell on him.
- Phil Dunphy: While evading arrest for underage drinking.
- Haley Dunphy: That was on purpose.
- Claire Dunphy: They were very lenient with her. She only has to do community service.
- Haley Dunphy: Because I do not have any priors.
- Phil Dunphy: Taking a little too much pride in that, sweetheart.
- Cameron Tucker: Guess what they are cutting down at the park today.
- Mitchell Pritchett: A tree.
- Cameron Tucker: Yes. How did you know that?
- Mitchell Pritchett: I played a hunch.