- Batman: I'm Bruce Man - fuck! I'm Bat Wayne - fuck! Can I start over? I'm Batman - fuck! I'm Bruce Wayne.
- Commissioner Gordon: Thanks Robin, but where are your pants?
- Robin: Pants are a luxury. My costume is designed to be aerodynamically perfect!
- Commissioner Gordon: God, you suck.
- Robin: If I were to wear pants it would decrease my crime fighting ability by 20%! I can't afford that! Can you?
- Commissioner Gordon: Well geez, if you can't afford a pair of pants, I'll give you mine.
- Two-Face: Catch you all on the flip side!
- [Flips coin, doesn't catch it]
- Two-Face: Oh no, my lucky coin! That's okay, 'cause I always carry...
- [Pulls out second coin]
- Two-Face: Two!
- Mr. Freeze: Get your broke ass *out* of here, Two-Face!
- Superman: Hey Batman, it's Superman. So I heard about your new sidekick. That's cool. So you're copying me again? Everyone remembers my sidekick, Krypto the Superdog! Man growing up that super dog was a super man's best friend. Then we moved to Metropolis and he started chasing cars and destroying them and leaving some super poops on the floor on my not so super-efficiency. Then he super humped Lois' leg and put her in that full body cast and that was kinda strike three for Krypto. So I moved him to a pen in the fortress, but I guess he couldn't take the solitude. He wanted to run, not be cooped up, so he ran off on me. I miss that dog.
- Superman: Actually no, call me back in the afternoon, 'cause all night long, I'm busy partying with all of my friends at the Fortress... of Solitude.
- Superman: They're only famous because Batman screws up all the time and lets them kill people. You know, my villains never get that chance. It's like, have you ever heard of Mister Mxyzptlk?
- Green Lantern: No.
- Superman: No, that's right. It's 'cause I do my damn job.
- Commissioner Gordon: Oh peaches, I'm baffled! How does a bat become a man? And why does he have such a strong sense of justice? Does he want fruit or blood?
- Batman, Superman, Green Lantern, Robin, Commissioner Gordon, Candy, Alfred, Sweet Tooth, Vicki Vale, Catwoman: Rogues are we! / We're like long lost brothers who found each other and love each other like family / No more dark, sad, lonely, Batman!
- [last lines]
- T.G.I. Friday's Worker: I'm sorry but here at T.G.I. Fridays all we can offer you is lukewarm service and a forced fun atmosphere.
- Narrator: One shot / Two shots in the night and they're gone and he's all left alone he's just / One boy / Two dead at his feet and the blood stains the street / And there's nothing / No, there's nothing / He can do
- [first lines]
- Sweet Tooth: I mean, see how quickly I made society crumble? Brought the city to its knees. And all it took was a Facebook poll and some guns.
- [pauses]
- Sweet Tooth: Months of meticulous planning, several hundred thugs, countless man hours, a cartoonishly large sour warhead and millions upon millions of dollars. Not to mention all that money spent on fucking candy!
- Candy: Oh, but you can do that for free any time you like!
- Pizza Girl: Have you been watching the news?
- Construction Worker: I sure have. That nut job Sweet Tooth is gonna poison the water supply.
- Pizza Girl: This is even worse than when The Joker poisoned the water supply.
- Construction Worker: Or when Scarecrow poisoned the water supply.
- Pizza Girl: Or when Killer Croc poisoned the water supply. That's how he died, poor fool.
- Batman: [Accepts ring from Superman] Thanks I'll give this to Lois Lane tonight... after I naked her.
- Batman: Bills, bills bills- hey! What's this? It's a letter from Spiderman! I bet it's about that lousy-ass slow plane that I sent him. Let's take a look. "Dear Bats, thanks for the offer but I won't be able to take the plane off your hands, I don't have any place to... stick it."
- [laughs]
- Batman: "Love, your friendly neighborhood Spiderman. PS I'm a huge fan, I follow you on the web."
- [laughs]
- Batman: Wow. What a sweetheart. This is going up on the Batfridge. Quick O'Malley, to the Batfridge!