- Luke Dunphy: I'm getting a medal at school because I put out a fire. Maybe that's what I should be when I grow up - a professional medal-getter.
- Jay Pritchett: So make sure you give this menu here a good, thorough reading.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Soup.
- Jay Pritchett: You didn't even look at it.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [Looks at the menu] Soup.
- Jay Pritchett: Check out what's below the soup - sandwiches.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Have you check out what is below this outfit? *This* doesn't come from sandwiches!
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [about Jay's sandwich] It tastes bad in my mouth. It's like a fish and a turkey beat themselves to death with a pepper.
- Jay Pritchett: Okay, fair enough. Maybe a little picky, though, from someone who prepared a Columbian specialty and said 'Why are you not eating the hooves? They're the best part.'
- Maxine: Just you? I thought the whole family was swinging by.
- Jay Pritchett: Who knows what they're doing? Right now, they're all sniping at each other.
- Maxine: Ah, who needs them?
- Jay Pritchett: Right. As long as I have you, Maxine ...
- Maxine: I'm off in five.
- Maxine: Hey, Luke! What's with all the hardware?
- Claire Dunphy: Well, he set fire to a school and lied about it.
- Jay Pritchett: You know they give medals for anything these days.
- Phil Dunphy: How does this sound? 'Mitchell, I love you very much. I not only love you, but I admire you. And, someday, I hope to-'
- Claire Dunphy: Are you firing him or proposing to him?
- Phil Dunphy: [about Maxine the waitress] Second best hugger in the world, after Mr. Burt Reynolds. Story to follow.
- Mitchell Pritchett: That's hogwash.
- Cameron Tucker: As someone who's seen actual hogwash, I can assure you that it's not.