- Todd: What's this about?
- Abed Nadir: It's about the killing of our biology yam. Will you please come with us?
- Todd: But I'm in the middle of making a handle.
- Abed Nadir: He wants it the hard way. Tell him what Shirley said.
- Troy Barnes: Todd Jacobson, you have the right to do whatever you want. Nothing you say or do can be used against you by anyone, but we'd really like it if you came with us. Please and thank you.
- Jeff Winger: If it's any consolation, she got me here on a very misleading text message.
- Annie Edison: Jeff, technically, you *are* about to be screwed in the biology room because our final project has been destroyed.
- Star-Burns: Kiss me.
- Quendra: What?
- Star-Burns: I'll explain later.
- Quendra: No!
- Star-Burns: I'll explain later!
- Quendra: The explanation is not the issue!
- Dean Pelton: Mr. Winger, what is the intention here?
- Jeff Winger: Simple. When Todd smashed our yam, he stole an "A" from us. We want it back.
- Colonel Archwood: You mean *if* he smashed the yam. All you have is the word of this Mr. Star-Burns, who offers up no explanation as to why he was at the scene.
- Dean Pelton: How about it, Jeffrey? What was Star-Burns doing there?
- Jeff Winger: We agreed to withold that information as part of a pinky swear with the witness.
- Colonel Archwood: A pinky swear? This is ludicrous. This whole school is ludicrous. Who honors the pinky swear of a degenerate over the word of a decorated soldier?
- Dean Pelton: I'm inclined to agree with the man in uniform.
- Jeff Winger: Shocker.
- Dean Pelton: Tell us what Star-Burns was doing in that classroom, or your group can take an "F".
- Professor Marshall Kane: Hold up, hold up, hold up. *I* grade my students. Now, what Star-Burns was doing there is irrelevant. What matters is what he saw. I'm upholding the pinky swear.
- Colonel Archwood: What?
- Professor Marshall Kane: Yo, man. You spent your life in the Army. I spent mine in prison. Two places where a man's word is only as good as his uniform. Now, out here it's supposed to be different, and in my class it will be. You two can plead your case to the class and let them decide your grades.
- Jeff Winger: Professor, thank you.
- Professor Marshall Kane: It's not a favor, Mr. Winger. A man's gotta have a code.
- Señor Chang: Move along, nothing to see here.
- Jeff Winger: First time those words have actually been true.
- Britta Perry: I transferred, or downloaded, Todd's picture to this computer, and as you'll see, with a few adjustments, I can make the entire image... Old-West color. I don't know, I thought it was cool.
- Colonel Archwood: Objection, she's clearly ramping up to something.
- Jeff Winger: Objection, that's not a real objection.
- Professor Marshall Kane: Objection, I hate the both of you. You may proceed, Ms. Edison, but do so with caution. Need I remind you this is not a courtroom?
- Narrator: Greendale Community College is represented by two separate, yet equally important types of people: the goofballs that run around stirring up trouble, and the eggheads that make a big deal out of it. These are their stories.
- Star-Burns: You got nothing on me! And I don't have to stay here, 'cause you're not cops!
- Shirley Bennett: He's right. You're not cops.
- Abed Nadir: I'd say our hands are tied, but we basically have no hands.
- Jeff Winger: [speaking to Annie Edison] A man's got to have a code. I can only assume there is a female equivalent to that. A "codette" or something.
- Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir: Why do they always r...
- Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir: Why do they always...
- Troy Barnes: You go ahead.
- Abed Nadir: Why do they always run?
- Troy Barnes: There you go.
- [chasing Star-Burns]
- Troy Barnes: Move! Not police business!
- Star-Burns: Dead yam, big deal. Order some ketchup.
- Troy Barnes: That doesn't make sense. You don't order ketchup. It's a condiment!
- [Angrily kicks things around]
- Abed Nadir: Troy, Troy, hey, walk it off! Troy, walk it off! Sorry, my friend, he's a bad cop.
- Abed Nadir: You're telling me after all this, our suspect's gonna slip away on the technicality that we're not police?
- Jerry the Janitor: I really shouldn't be doing this. And you're sure you heard a kitten meowing in here?
- Abed Nadir: Not anymore, so hurry up.
- Jeff Winger: Why was it so hard for all of us to grow a yam? It's just a stupid yam in a stupid jar. We're all fully-grown adults failing a kindergarten project.
- Professor Marshall Kane: Can I object?
- Annie Edison: I'll allow it.
- Jeff Winger: Sustained.
- Neil: *I* boiled the yams.
- [All gasp]
- Neil: Vicki's yam never sprouted and I didn't want her to fail, so I threw off the grading curve so she wouldn't have to go to summer school and we can finally have sex in my parents' cabin. God forgive me, I did it for love!
- [Cries]
- Professor Marshall Kane: Holy crap. We are definitely dissecting pine cones next year.
- Abed Nadir: Colonel Archwood got to Star-Burns. Threatened to involve the real cops. Now Star-Burns is in the wind.
- Annie Edison: He's our only witness.
- Abed Nadir: That what you guys do in here? You push your little papers and you make your little speeches, and in the end another dirtbag walks? Huh? Huh?
- [Angrily shoves things off the table and storms off]
- Troy Barnes: Abed! Abed! Abed! Walk it off! Walk it off! I'm sorry about my partner. He... he's been on edge ever since we switched.
- Troy Barnes: [Both talking dramatically] Looks like it's gonna be a late night. How'd we manage to pull the short straw?
- Abed Nadir: It's not a short straw. It's a hot potato.
- Troy Barnes: Yeah, well, looks pretty cold... to me.
- Abed Nadir: Cold? Or dead?
- Troy Barnes: Survey says...
- Abed Nadir: [Normal voice] We can't both do the zinger.
- Troy Barnes: Sorry.
- Abed Nadir: There's nothing here to connect to Star-Burns. He'd have to confess.
- Troy Barnes: Oh, yeah, sure. Maybe if we ask him nice, he'll write us a love letter, too.
- Botanist: Well, whoever did do this does owe you guys a letter. An "A." This yam was about to bloom.
- Jeff Winger: He's Star-Burns. Break into his locker. You'll find enough dirt to bury him.
- Annie Edison: Jeff, that's not ethical.
- Jeff Winger: Oh, so now you're finding your softness? I say do what you have to do. It's too late to get compassionate. We only have time to get justice.
- Colonel Archwood: Tell us what happened next, Todd.
- Todd: I disarmed the I.E.D. and returned the child to his mother. She offered to give me her only possession... a wooden chair... but I refused. I was only doing my duty and we had plenty of chairs at the base.
- Jeff Winger: We have no case, Annie.
- Annie Edison: It's too late to get one, Jeff. We only have time to get justice.
- Botanist: This level of smushing is consistent with someone stepping on the yam after it was dropped.
- Abed Nadir: So whoever did this was angry.
- Botanist: Hey, I just cut 'em open. You want motive, talk to a shrink.
- Pierce Hawthorne: [Running bets] Okay, okay, five-to-one on the black guy.
- Harry: That's offensive.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Fine, six-to-one.
- Abed Nadir: Ah, what happened, Todd? Cut yourself on an extra sharp Oscar Wilde play?
- Todd: Oh, this? It's a burn. Home ec class. Muffin.
- Troy Barnes: What kind of muffin?
- Todd: Blueberry.
- Troy Barnes: Why not raisin?
- Todd: That wasn't the assignment.
- Shirley Bennett: Britta, zoom in there. There's a clock on the wall.
- Abed Nadir: Eight plus two times five...
- Troy Barnes: Ten after 8:00.
- Abed Nadir: I'm gifted in other ways.
- Troy Barnes: That jibes with everyone else we talked to. It seems like the classroom door gets locked at 8:00.
- Abed Nadir: Which means whoever did the crime...
- Troy Barnes: Got in there before the doors were locked and stayed there for hours.
- Abed Nadir: I was gonna say, "Had a key."
- Professor Marshall Kane: [bangs tape dispenser three times] All right. After speaking to the wronged parties, I've decided to...
- Jeff Winger: Uh, if it pleases the bio class, I have closing arguments.
- Professor Marshall Kane: Of course you do.
- Troy Barnes: Abed?
- Abed Nadir: Yeah?
- Troy Barnes: Why don't we have bunk bed conversations?
- Abed Nadir: I don't know. We're best friends, we share a bunk bed. Seems like we should be having them all the time. You start.
- Troy Barnes: Okay. Why do you think they call them "bunk beds"? Where's the word "bunk" come from?
- Abed Nadir: I don't know. I think it comes from the word "bunker."
- Shirley Bennett: So when is your apartment done being fumigated?
- Troy Barnes: Oh, it was done about a week ago.
- Shirley Bennett: Then why are you still here?
- Dean Pelton: I brought you some warm milk.
- Shirley Bennett: Oh.
- Dean Pelton: There you go.
- Troy Barnes: [quietly] Yeah!
- Dean Pelton: [singing] Troy and Abed, off to Dreamland / catching the train to Sleepytown / and when they wake up / the Dean'll be here / staring at you. Sweet deans.
- [giggles]
- Shirley Bennett: That's nice... I guess.
- Annie Edison: After all the politics and procedure, in the end, the case really was about biology.
- Professor Marshall Kane: Told you it was an important subject.
- [phone rings]
- Professor Marshall Kane: Hello? I understand. Star-Burns got rear-ended and the meth lab in his trunk exploded. He's dead.