Community (TV Series)
Origins of Vampire Mythology (2012)
Joel McHale: Jeff Winger
Photos
Quotes
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Jeff Winger : None of us have to go to anyone, and the idea we do is a mental illness we contracted from breath-mint commercials and Sandra Bullock. We can't keep going to each other until we learn to go to ourselves. Stop making our hatred of ourselves someone else's job and just stop hating ourselves.
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Jeff Winger : Remember, it's just a quick peek at Blade. If you tell anyone that we did this, I will stop letting you do things with me I'm afraid to tell anyone about.
Shirley Bennett : Hey, I get it. You want to take a look at Britta's ex-boyfriend; if you did it by yourself, you'd be weird.
Jeff Winger : [beat] You're the only one who really understands me.
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Jeff Winger : Your parents named you Blade?
Blade : Apparently.
Jeff Winger : Well, you seem okay with it.
Blade : Not much to do about it.
Jeff Winger , Shirley Bennett : You could change it.
Blade : To what? Templeton Ferrari III? Won't change how mustard tastes. I'll be right back.
Shirley Bennett : Huh. Won't change how mustard tastes. I get it. I see the appeal. He's relaxed, he's cool. N-not as cool as you.
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Britta Perry : I'm glad you guys are reacting this way. I need to be reminded that he's the worst man on earth, because if he comes through town and calls me, I will be there in five minute.
Shirley Bennett : I don't understand.
Britta Perry : Uh, André much?
Shirley Bennett : OK, I understand.
Annie Edison : I don't.
Britta Perry , Pierce Hawthorne : You will.
Jeff Winger : What's that mean?
Pierce Hawthorne : He's hung.
Britta Perry : Oh, God!
Shirley Bennett : Pierce, you're disgusting.
Pierce Hawthorne : Just like that I'm disgusting again.
[scoffs]
Pierce Hawthorne : I was one of the gang. It was in my hand.
Shirley Bennett : Sometimes, a woman meets a man that she just can't shake from her system no matter much she knows better. I lucked out with André, but God help me. As you all know, there's not a lot he couldn't get away with.
Jeff Winger : So what, Britta? You're in love with a guy who's named after a kickboxing vampire movie?
Troy Barnes : [pounds fist on table] A fantastic kickboxing vampire movie.
Britta Perry : No, I don't believe in love because of this guy...
[choking up]
Britta Perry : named after a kickboxing vampire movie.
Annie Edison : Oh, Britta!
Shirley Bennett : Oh, sweetie.
Troy Barnes : [under his breath to Abed] You wanna watch Blade tonight?
Abed Nadir : [under his breath] Yes.
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Shirley Bennett : Why do you wanna know the secret to making a woman psycho?
Jeff Winger : Why do we wanna know how to blow up the earth or grow a human ear on a mouse? In case we have to, Shirley. In case we have to.
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Jeff Winger : I love that I have a locker now. All that wasted time going to my car for mid-afternoon wardrobe adjustments.
[Holds up a shirt on a hanger]
Jeff Winger : What do you think, hmm? Stick with what's working?
Annie Edison : You're gonna change your shirt?
Jeff Winger : Not if it's working.
Annie Edison : ...It's not working.
Jeff Winger : Yeah. You're right. I knew it.
[Takes his shirt off. Annie stares]
Female Student : [Passing by] I'll have what she's having.
Annie Edison : Hey, grow up, lady!
[Continues to ogle Jeff]
Britta Perry : [Running up to them] Annie!
Annie Edison : [Awkwardly tries to cover] His shirt wasn't working!
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Pierce Hawthorne : I decided to go outside the group for a best friend.
Jeff Winger : And you couldn't do better than Chang?
Ben Chang : You take that back! He could do plenty better than me. I was the first to say yes.
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Pierce Hawthorne : So, Britta, tell us about your carnival worker boyfriend.
Britta Perry : Why, so you all can get a big laugh?
Abed Nadir : Yeah.
Jeff Winger : I'd love to have a laugh.
[giggling interspersed throughout the group]
Troy Barnes : The exact reason.
Britta Perry : Fine. I'm not ashamed of my past. And if it entertains you guys, that's great because we're friends. His name is Blade and...
[interrupted as the group again bursts into derisive laughter]
Jeff Winger : She invoked friendship to undercut the laugh, and we're still laughing. That's how funny it is!
Abed Nadir : His name is Blade. Is that legal? Shouldn't New Line Cinema be suing him?
Britta Perry : He was called that before that stupid movie.
Troy Barnes : He was called that before the fantastic movie.
Abed Nadir : And it was a marvel comic in 1973.
Britta Perry : Well, nerd alert.
Pierce Hawthorne : Well, ex-boyfriend named Blade alert.
[Shirley laughing as she offer Pierce a high-five]
Pierce Hawthorne : .
Shirley Bennett : Her love life makes Pierce seem with it.
Pierce Hawthorne : Her pain unifies us.
[Britta appears stoic]
Pierce Hawthorne : She has the King Arthur of bad taste in men.
[empathy begins to show with Jeff]
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Jeff Winger : And you don't know anything about carpentry.
Blade : Nope.
Jeff Winger : Or aquariums, freshwater or saltwater. Do you have a big weiner?
Blade : Nope.
Jeff Winger : I don't get it, Blade! What's your secret? Why do I wanna impress you? Are you dumb or smart? Are you a loser or winner? Or are you just a human mirror? Do we all see what we wanna see in you?
Blade : A magician never reveals, right?
Jeff Winger : Right. Later.
Blade : Okay. You dropped over 300 bucks on my booth, so I'll tell ya. You wanna know my secret?
Jeff Winger : Yes. Yes, I do.
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Dean Pelton : Well, it looks like my news has incited some doings, and if that's not my job, what is? Choo choo!
[exits]
Jeff Winger : [calls out after Dean] Well, you're also supposed to... eh. Administrate the school.
