- Asta Twelvetrees: Do you know what one of the best things is about being human?
- Harry Vanderspeigle: The colon.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Wait, wait, you wash your cast-iron skillet? You can't do that. Where do you think the food's flavor come from?
- Deputy Liv Baker: The food?
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: The skillet. What you think got more flavor, the food you're cooking, or 10 years of food cooked on iron?
- Deputy Liv Baker: I don't know, but now my stomach feels weird.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: All right, men pay, women eat. This goes back to caveman times. The men, they... they go out on a hunt, right? And then they take down a dinosaur. And they drag it back to the hut, and then the women, they prepare the cutlery and the lemonade, then they all sit down, say grace, and eat.
- Deputy Liv Baker: To think just one statement could contain 200 million years of misinformation.
- Kate Hawthorne: OK. I am going to go pick up dinner. Oh, Sahar, you want to eat with us?
- Sahar: No, thanks. I don't eat takeout, because the packaging is slowly destroying the Earth.
- Kate Hawthorne: It's OK to just say no.
- Joseph Rainier: Just know I am watching you, and I will figure out what you are doing here.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: And I will figure out what you are doing here.
- Joseph Rainier: I'm here to figure out what you're doing here.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Then I just figured it out. I win.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: If you have the right person on your team, they do not hold you back. They lift you up.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Human babies cannot even live without help from others. It is probably a good thing because if human babies could kill, they would certainly do it.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: My earliest memory was gestating in my egg, alone. When I hatched, I was greeted by the mewling of hundreds of siblings. We all preferred solitude. So naturally, we set upon killing each other.
- Kate Hawthorne: The owl was here last week, too. I'm getting new blinds today.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: What? Honey, no way. It is good luck to have an owl staring at you.
- Kate Hawthorne: Why would it be good luck?
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: I don't know. I just made it up to save money on blinds. Blinds it is.
- Sahar: But I did clean the toilet with your toothbrush.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Well, the joke is on you because I will not pay you for your maid service!
- Harry Vanderspeigle: The human bladder is not considered full until it holds two cups of liquid. Or in this case, that local beer Joseph is drinking.
- [Joseph unexpectedly goes to the restroom]
- Harry Vanderspeigle: That was faster than expected. Maybe because that local beer is already like urine.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: You are tracking Asta? You are doing what I was doing.
- D'Arcy Bloom: It's only creepy if you do it.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Take a look. Damn government drone watching us now.
- Deputy Liv Baker: I think that's just some mustard on the window.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: That's just what they want you to think.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: I got a gut feeling something might be going down, so I just want you to keep your eyes peeled for anyone suspicious.
- Joseph Rainier: Don't worry. If anybody's up to something, I'll know it.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Damn. You smell like a winner.
- Joseph Rainier: Hello, I'm looking for Dr. Harry Vanderspeigle.
- Nurse Ellen Cho: [seductively] I'm Ellen. I'm the one you're looking for, officer. I've broken six laws since this morning.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: If you break it, you buy it.
- D'Arcy Bloom: [she breaks it] That is way more pieces than I would have guessed.