- Phil Dunphy: Okay, who's gonna get the tree?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh! I will, I will. Because, you know, get the wrong kind, people get upset.
- Claire Dunphy: You get upset.
- Mitchell Pritchett: I'm people.
- Jay Pritchett: Why are you wearing a sweater when it's ninety-five degrees out?
- Cameron Tucker: It's my Christmas sweater.
- Jay Pritchett: Based on those stains, you are the Christmas sweater.
- Claire Dunphy: [Phil and Manny, who were supposed to get the turkey, enter] Oh, thank God. Here comes Phil and the Butterball.
- Manny Delgado: I have a name!
- Cameron Tucker: [Bringing Lily outside] Look who's wearing her itsy-bitsy bikini!
- Phil Dunphy: He can comment beause he's gay.
- Claire Dunphy: He was talking about Lily.
- Phil Dunphy: So was... I.
- Phil Dunphy: I am sorry, but there is no turkey.
- Claire Dunphy: There's no turkey? What's the plan, Phil?
- Phil Dunphy: Cornish game hens. If you get real close, they look like turkeys, and everyone gets their own.
- Jay Pritchett: [Whispers] Sounds like fun.
- Claire Dunphy: Not fun. Not fun. I asked you to pick up a cooked turkey.
- Phil Dunphy: The store was out of turkeys. It was an hour to Express Christmas. Please, just make it work, okay? Please.
- Claire Dunphy: They're not even defrosted.
- Phil Dunphy: Fine, Claire. You want 'em defrosted?
- [Takes out stun gun and tases the hens on every other word]
- Phil Dunphy: MERRY FREAKING CHRISTMAS!
- Claire Dunphy: Phil!
- [Everyone gasps]
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: ...is that my stun gun?
- Phil Dunphy: Yep, and it works great!
- Phil Dunphy: Have you ever heard of Express Christmas? No, you haven't, because I just invented it. Express Christmas, TM.
- Manny Delgado: I don't like the looks of this guy.
- Phil Dunphy: He looks like everybody else.
- Manny Delgado: Great. You can just tell that to the police sketch artist.
- Manny Delgado: Great. First you lose me in the grocery store, now I'm in a deserted parking lot. Why don't you just put a sign on me that says 'Free Kid'?
- Alex Dunphy: My mom tells me it's "Xmas" in a text?
- Mitchell Pritchett: Yeah, well, my mother canceled in a voicemail and told me she had a boyfriend in a newsletter, so... join the team. Put some clothes on, we're getting a tree.
- Mitchell Pritchett: How come we never go shopping together?
- Alex Dunphy: Because I hate shopping.
- Mitchell Pritchett: I do too!
- Jay Pritchett: Can I put in my two cents on fake Christmas?
- Phil Dunphy: Express Christmas.
- Jay Pritchett: Let it go, Phil. It's not sticking.
- Phil Dunphy: It needs time.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Family is family. Whether it's the one you start out with, the one you end up with, or the family that you gain along the way. Which makes every day December 16th.