- Jay Pritchett: Gloria's always saying we should do more stuff together, so I agreed to watch this crazy Colombian soap opera she loves.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Fuego Y Hielo.
- Jay Pritchett: Which apparently is Spanish for 'Big Hair and Yelling'.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: 'Fire and Ice'. It's about human suffering. I relate to it.
- Jay Pritchett: I'm just saying, the guy's a judge. He can put a shirt on.
- Longinus: [Playing a drinking game] Butt lift. Last summer, that thing was four inches off the ground.
- Claire Dunphy: What do they do with all the butt they take out?
- Julian: [as a large-breasted woman walks by] I have a theory.
- Mitchell Pritchett: [Smacked by a large hat] Okay, when did hats come back?
- Cameron Tucker: That one's come back about eight times. Pick a side of the room, lady!
- Phil Dunphy: Look, your whole life, my job is to protect you - a job I kinda love. Now I feel like I'm being forced into early retirement. I just needed to find you and make sure you were okay... For as long as I still get to do that.
- Haley Dunphy: Ugh. Just like you - piss me off and then say something sweet. I'm not leaving until the fall.
- Phil Dunphy: Maybe by then I can figure out how to put a force field around you. I've been working on that one since the first time I tried to fasten you onto your car seat. I pinched your chunky little thigh.
- Haley Dunphy: Aww... even though you basically just called me fat.
- Phil Dunphy: No way, Haley, no way! Check it out! After a few beers, my buds and I would jump on these lunch trays and race down this same hill. Hop on.
- Haley Dunphy: I don't want to hop on.
- Phil Dunphy: Seriously, you'll get the giggles.
- Haley Dunphy: I don't want the giggles.
- Mitchell Pritchett: [as they are being attacked by the wife of the man whose car they got by mistake] We are in a rut!
- Cameron Tucker: Really? You want to talk about that right now?
- Mitchell Pritchett: No, we are stuck! We're in an actual rut, we're stuck!