- Schmidt: [about Nick's penis] Why haven't I seen it?
- Winston Bishop: Why do you wanna see it?
- Schmidt: He's my best friend.
- Winston Bishop: Again, why do you wanna see it?
- Schmidt: [peeking on Nick] Hey, man.
- Nick Miller: Aah!
- Schmidt: I'm the only one who hasn't seen it.
- Nick Miller: What?
- Schmidt: Just the gun.
- Nick Miller: No.
- Schmidt: Just the roses.
- Nick Miller: What?
- Schmidt: Just the hub, where it connects.
- Cece Parekh: You laughed?
- Jess Day: Yeah, I couldn't help it.
- Cece Parekh: Did you freak out and make that noise that you always make?
- Jess Day: What? I don't always make a noise.
- [flashback; in the school lunch line as a teenager, she shrieks and giggles at a hot dog]
- Jess Day: Fine. I guess I missed the moment when everybody got cool about sex. I really messed up.
- Cece Parekh: Ah, guys are simple. You know what I would do? I would just make it even. You've seen his, show him yours.
- Jess Day: No. I can't do that.
- Schmidt: What happened after you walked in?
- Jess Day: I don't know. I kind of laughed.
- Schmidt: Jess, you can't laugh at a naked man, and especially Nick. Nick is delicate. Like a flower. Like a chubby, damaged flower who hates himself. Now, listen to me. You're gonna act like this never happened.
- Jess Day: We live together. We're a family. Families talk about things.
- Schmidt: No. Families ignore things until they go away.
- [flashback to himself as a kid]
- Schmidt: No wants to talk about their feelings, Jess. Never talk about this again.
- Jess Day: Okay. I'll ignore it.
- [singing]
- Jess Day: Not gonna talk about it...
- Schmidt: Or sing about it.
- Jess Day: The bing-bong. I'm done.
- Jess Day: I have something from school that, um, made me think of you.
- [taking various items out of her purse]
- Jess Day: It's a feeling stick. Whoever's holding the feeling stick has permission to say whatever he or she is feeling without being judged. I'll go first. Um... I feel like I want to know what you're feeling.
- [taking the stick, Nick snaps it in half]
- Jess Day: Believe it or not, that's not the first time someone's broken my feeling stick.
- [taking out another one that's slightly smaller]
- Jess Day: I have a travel size.
- Nick Miller: We live in a world with rules. We knock. We have doors. And we knock on those doors.
- Jess Day: I'm sorry, Nick.
- Nick Miller: Just knock!
- Jess Day: [picking up the feeling stick] Nick... I...
- Nick Miller: Put that down.
- Jess Day: But we have to talk.
- Nick Miller: Nothing to talk about.
- Winston Bishop: [taking the stick] I feel that Nick is not honoring the feeling stick.
- Schmidt: [taking it] I feel me, too.
- Winston Bishop: [taking it back] I feel Schmidt's had a particularly bad day, and I feel that if Nick is truly Schmidt's friend, he would show Schmidt what's in his pants.
- Schmidt: [taking it back] I feel supported.
- Nick Miller: What is going on with you two? What are you doing?
- Winston Bishop: [taking the stick] I feel Nick is yelling.
- Nick Miller: Stop it!
- Schmidt: Do you know where you're taking her?
- Nick Miller: No.
- Schmidt: Do you need a list of my sexiest date spots? You know, it's been a while for you. Want me to stretch you out?
- Nick Miller: It's not a date, Schmidt. Actually, I don't know what it is. She's, uh... she's a little hard to read.
- [flashback]
- Amanda: Wouldn't it be funny if we, like, went out? Like...
- Nick Miller: Do you wanna go on a date?
- Amanda: Yeah. We'd, like, "go for dinner," and, like, the two of us, we'd, like, do stuff.
- Nick Miller: Is that a yes?
- Amanda: I know, right?
- Nick Miller: Seriously, do you want to get dinner?
- Amanda: Right. No, I know.
- Nick Miller: [return to the present] Sometimes she's so ironic that I think she's being serious.
- Nick Miller: I'm sorry about last night, Amanda.
- Amanda: So you're... you're, like, super into "cuddling".
- Nick Miller: No, I'm not super into cuddling. I'm just getting out of a relationship, and I think I got nervous. I've heard that I'm not great at talking about what I'm feeling all the time, and so I'm sorry about last night.
- Amanda: Honesty. I like that.
- Jess Day: Ooh. Scary movie. I hate scary movies. Why are we watching this?
- Nick Miller: We're not watching, this Jess.
- [indicating himself, Winston, and Schmidt]
- Nick Miller: *We're* watching it.
- Jess Day: [squeezing herself onto the couch between Nick and Schmidt] So fun, hanging with the dudes, eating ice cream, watching scary movies.
- [imitating Nick]
- Jess Day: "We're not scared. We're dudes."
- Winston Bishop: Shh!
- Jess Day: You know what we should watch? Have you guys ever seen "Fame"? It's about a group of dreamers with talent to spare, taking New York City by storm, one dance number at a time. The cafeteria, the street... oh! Ooh! That's so much blood. It's spurting!
- [taking a bite of ice cream]
- Jess Day: Mm, that was good. That guy's gonna blow himself up. Wah, wah.
- Nick Miller: Why would that guy blow himself up?
- [sound of an explosion]
- Jess Day: [seeing Nick's look] Sorry. I saw it in the theater. You know what else we should watch? "An American Tale." It's about a little Jewish mouse with a great big heart and a...
- Nick Miller: [the guys all get up to leave] All right.
- Jess Day: Wait. Where are you guys going?
- Jess Day: [after walking in on Nick naked] He's never gonna speak to me again. I'm so embarrassed.
- Schmidt: Not a big deal. I've seen Nick's stuff, like, a million times.
- Winston Bishop: You have? I mean... how?
- Schmidt: We grew up together. Locker rooms, swimming pools, penis fights. It just happens.
- Schmidt: How'd the job interview go?
- Winston Bishop: You know, terrible.
- [flashback]
- Winston Bishop: She just wanted to chitchat about stuff I've never heard of before.
- Schmidt: Well, you gotta get up to speed, man. The chitchat is the interview.
- Winston Bishop: I have spent the last two years of my life in Latvia. I was playing ball year-round, man. I didn't read the news. I have no idea of what happened in America. I've got interviews tomorrow. Fill me in. What'd I miss?
- Schmidt: From the... from the past two years?
- Winston Bishop: Yo, give me the highlights.
- Schmidt: Highlights. Okay. Uh, country's broke.
- Winston Bishop: Mm-hmm.
- Schmidt: Betty White's back.
- Winston Bishop: Oh, cool, cool. What about the rest of the Golden Girls?
- Schmidt: They're all dead, man.
- Nick Miller: Stop following me.
- Jess Day: Then stop running away from me. I just want to have a mature conversation.
- Nick Miller: How can we have a mature conversation when you can't even say the word "penis"?
- Jess Day: I can say the word "peen..."
- Nick Miller: Say it.
- Jess Day: I... peernyas.
- Nick Miller: What?
- Jess Day: Peernis.
- Nick Miller: You said "peernis."
- Jess Day: [singsong] Penis.
- Nick Miller: Not singing.
- Jess Day: [lowering the pitch of her voice] Penis.
- Nick Miller: Not like a ghoul.
- Jess Day: [chuckling] I... I can say it! Pianist.
- Nick Miller: No, you said "pianist."
- Jess Day: Enispay!
- Nick Miller: Not pig Latin.
- Jess Day: Peernis.
- Nick Miller: Okay, not in Swedish.
- Jess Day: Pemo.
- Nick Miller: Not in fake Italian.
- Jess Day: [shrieking] Penis!
- Winston Bishop: Shut up!
- Nick Miller: Say it with me. Pe...
- Jess Day: Pe...
- Nick Miller: ...nis
- Jess Day: ...neers.
- Nick Miller: Yeah, I'm the one that's immature.
- [last lines]
- Nick Miller: [turning on the shower] Get out, Schmidt.
- Schmidt: [getting out soaking wet] I'm the only one who hasn't seen it.
- Winston Bishop: I just wanted to thank you for taking me running. Made me feel a lot better. I might not have a job or anything, but at least I can run a mile. I mean, watching you try to run, yeah, that was just pathetic. I needed that.
- Schmidt: I suffer from exercise-induced asthma.
- Winston Bishop: Do you suffer from exercise-induced crying?
- Schmidt: It's a real thing, man, okay? EIA.
- Jess Day: Something's happened. It was totally an accident. Not a big deal. I just want to do the mature thing and come clean about it. But, um...
- [muttering]
- Jess Day: I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee.
- Schmidt: What?
- Winston Bishop: What did she say?
- Jess Day: [clearly] I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee and his bubbles.
- Schmidt: Hey, Winston.
- [seeing him face-down on his bedroom floor]
- Schmidt: Oh, no. Oh, man. The interview? Did you mess up?
- Winston Bishop: [getting up] No, I didn't mess up. Killed it. I was amazing. At one point, I was on the outside of my body watching myself be amazing.
- Schmidt: Well, that's a good thing, right?
- Winston Bishop: The woman asked me why I wanted to sell medical supplies. I had no answer. I've done nothing but play basketball my entire life.
- Schmidt: [looking at his computer] "Winston Bishop is an American basketball player who played professionally in Latvia, and he loves ducks." Winston, did you write the part about the ducks?
- Winston Bishop: I don't even like ducks that much, man.
- Schmidt: Oh, okay. Look, man. You gotta get off Wikipedia, all right? You're going crazy.
- Jess Day: Nick, we have to talk about this.
- Nick Miller: [she follows him onto the elevator] What are you doing?
- Jess Day: I'm sorry I saw your doojer and your chickadees. And I didn't mean to laugh. I just...
- Nick Miller: Then why did you laugh? Is there something... funny about it?
- Jess Day: No! It's beautiful. Stately. A real treat.
- Nick Miller: Oh, my god.
- [another tenant gets on]
- Jess Day: [whispering] I think it's great you dance naked to Jamaican music. That's really cool. You should explore your sexuality.
- [the other tenant gets off]
- Jess Day: Nick?
- Nick Miller: [moving her out of the way] Excuse me.
- Jess Day: [following him off] Come on, Nick. I dance naked all the time. We have to talk about this.
- [he hurries back on, and the doors close in her face]
- Jess Day: Ugh! Nick!
- Winston Bishop: [jogging with Schmidt] Whoo! This feels good.
- Schmidt: [panting] Totally. I love it.
- Winston Bishop: You know, I think I was just scared, man. I've been playing basketball my whole entire life. What if I was wasting my time? Maybe I should have been figuring out my life like you.
- Schmidt: [amused laugh] I don't have anything figured out. I'm a fully-grown man with roommates. I got a stupid job. I'm single. My best friend won't even let me see his penis. I mean, my whole life is a sham.
- Jess Day: I worked on something for you.
- Nick Miller: All right.
- Jess Day: [saying it clearly] Penis.
- Nick Miller: Very good.
- Jess Day: Thank you. Um, so did Amanda call you back?
- Nick Miller: No, I don't see Amanda calling me back.
- Jess Day: I'm sorry.
- Nick Miller: It's okay. Maybe you were right. Maybe I'm not ready for meaningless sex with beautiful women.
- Jess Day: Well, you know, maybe when you are, you'll be able to show her your other penis. Your heart penis.
- Nick Miller: Get out of my room.
- Jess Day: Okay.
- [turning to leave]
- Jess Day: Hey, um... when I was, um, leaving in a hurry, um, did you see... everything?
- Nick Miller: Yep.
- Jess Day: Even my... gumbo pot?
- Nick Miller: Ugh. "Gumbo pot"? Get out.
- Nick Miller: [hearing a knock on his bedroom door] Come in.
- [with her eyes covered, Jess pokes her head in and knocks on the wall]
- Nick Miller: Jess, you don't have to knock once you're in the room.
- Jess Day: Nick, hey.
- Nick Miller: Hey.
- Jess Day: So, that was weird, right?
- Nick Miller: I'm running out the door, Jess.
- Jess Day: I think we should talk about it.
- Nick Miller: Talk about what?
- Jess Day: About me seeing... your peen.
- [British accent]
- Jess Day: The peen what I saw.
- [using her finger as a mustache, with a French accent]
- Jess Day: Bonjour, le peen.
- Nick Miller: You're blocking the door.
- Jess Day: Okay. Cool. Have fun on your date.
- [indicating his junk]
- Jess Day: Tell that guy to behave.
- Jess Day: Nick, please talk to me.
- Nick Miller: Jess, there's nothing to talk about. You ruined my date. Every time I tried to take my clothes off, Jess, I heard your little...
- [imitating her cackling laugh]
- Nick Miller: ...your little crazy giggle scream. And all I want to do is having meaningless sex with a beautiful woman who, yes, talks in mind-bending riddles. But I can't, because I can't get your little...
- [imitating her laugh again]
- Nick Miller: ...out of my head.
- Jess Day: Well, maybe you don't want to have meaningless sex. Maybe that's not your style.
- Nick Miller: I have a bing-bong and chickadees. It is my style.
- Jess Day: You have a date? Fun! I wanna talk to you guys about this stuff.
- Schmidt: With Amanda.
- Nick Miller: Schmidt.
- Jess Day: Amanda? From the bar? Whoa! She's a looker. Hatchie-matchie!
- Nick Miller: Yeah, I know how hot she is, Jess.
- Jess Day: Have you been out with anyone since Caroline?
- Nick Miller: No.
- Jess Day: Whoa! Big-deal alert. Scary stuff, kids. Yeesh! Falling rocks. Bridge out. Duck!
- Nick Miller: This is why I don't talk to you, Jess.