Last Man Standing (TV Series)
Last Baby Proof Standing (2011)
Nancy Travis: Vanessa Baxter
Photos
Quotes
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Mandy Baxter : I still don't get why I have to have a job. it's so unfair!
Vanessa Baxter : Oh, you're gonna be selling clothes. You love clothes, and you get to work at the mall. You love the mall.
Eve Baxter : I think it's good you're getting a job. You treat dad like an ATM.
Mike Baxter : Yes, and I'm not an ATM. You know how I know? I only speak English.
Eve Baxter : [laughing, she and Mike high-five] That's a good one, dad.
Mike Baxter : Ah, here's $20.
Mandy Baxter : Whoa. Hey, why doesn't she have to work?
Eve Baxter : 'Cause I don't need money. I've got everything I want.
[handing the bill back to Mike]
Eve Baxter : In fact, here, dad.
Mike Baxter : I insist.
Eve Baxter : Wouldn't even know what to do with it.
Mandy Baxter : [storming out in frustration] Ugh!
Eve Baxter : I'll take that 20 now.
Mike Baxter : You earned it.
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Vanessa Baxter : Let's just hear what this guy has to say.
Mike Baxter : You all heard what he had to say.
Vanessa Baxter : What if I promise we won't do anything unless we're both on board?
Mike Baxter : Oh, this is like we're not gonna buy a floral comforter unless we're both on board.
Vanessa Baxter : It's not floral. It's paisley.
Mike Baxter : Flowers that are shaped like sperm are still flowers.
Vanessa Baxter : Are you gonna participate or not?
Mike Baxter : Or not. I'll be in my office looking at Russian mail-order brides to replace you.
Vanessa Baxter : Don't put me down as a reference.
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Kristin Baxter : We're taking Boyd out for frozen yogurt as an excuse to get frozen yogurt. You wanna come?
Vanessa Baxter : Nah, your dad's out, and I'm going to have a glass of wine and watch some trashy show that he would just ruin by shouting "That would never happen".
Eve Baxter : Yeah, try watching cartoons with him.
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Vanessa Baxter : So, what happened again?
Mike Baxter : What aren't you getting here, honey? Our daughter thought I was a stalker, so she sprayed mace in my face, with... such speed and accuracy. I'm actually quite proud of you.
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Vanessa Baxter : You know, you, uh, you might have been right about the baby-proofing.
Mike Baxter : I was right?
Vanessa Baxter : Yeah. I know. I'm as stunned as you.
Mike Baxter : It's bringing tears to my eyes, and I don't think it's just the mace.
Vanessa Baxter : But you were wrong about the pizza delivery.
Mike Baxter : Well, you were more wrong.
Vanessa Baxter : What, are you keeping score?
Mike Baxter : No. But if I was, it'd be 14-7.
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[first lines]
Mike Baxter : Well, beautiful wife, beautiful night, great cup of coffee at the end of the workday.
Vanessa Baxter : Nice.
Mike Baxter : Couldn't be better.
Mandy Baxter : [from inside the house] Dad!
Mike Baxter : You never wanna get too happy. They sense it, then they just crush it.
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Mandy Baxter : I'm meeting Travis at the mall. Can I have some money for Java Jimmy's?
Mike Baxter : Coffee? We got coffee right here. French press. Here.
[handing her his mug]
Mike Baxter : Taste Colombia's second-largest cash crop.
Mandy Baxter : [taking a sip, she spits it out and dumps the rest into a flower pot] Ugh! God, that's horrible.
Vanessa Baxter : Hey!
Mandy Baxter : No. No.
Mike Baxter : That was my coffee.
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Mandy Baxter : So can I have $20, or...
Mike Baxter : $20 for a cup of coffee?
Mandy Baxter : I'm a huge tipper. It's kind of my thing. I-I just feel so sorry for anybody that has to wear an apron.
Vanessa Baxter : You ask me why I put rum in here? This is why.
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Vanessa Baxter : You sure about this?
Mike Baxter : She's sixteen.
Mandy Baxter : [leaving] I'm seventeen, dad.
Mike Baxter : Seventeen. She should... she should think about getting her a job.
Vanessa Baxter : Well, it's just easier to give her money.
Mike Baxter : Well, we just can't be lazy with our kids. We're better than that.
Vanessa Baxter : Are we?
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Mike Baxter : Certified baby-proofer? How is that a job?
Vanessa Baxter : You don't think any job's a job unless it's your job.
Mike Baxter : I'm just saying you don't need a professional to baby-proof. Don't want him in that little cupboard down there, you use one of these. It's called a rubber band. You move...
[stopping]
Mike Baxter : You hear that clicking? Huh?
[Kristin shakes her head skeptically]
Mike Baxter : Loop it a couple times around there like that... baby-proof. That's what your mom and I did when you guys were kids.
Vanessa Baxter : Yeah, we only had to call Poison Control twice.
Mike Baxter : Yeah. Once was your mom's potato salad.
Vanessa Baxter : Oh, I'm so sick of hearing about that potato salad.
Mike Baxter : I lost a quart of water that day.
Vanessa Baxter : You never liked my mother.
Mike Baxter : That's 'cause she tried to kill us.
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Mike Baxter : Why is there a van out front that says "Safe Havens"? Are we having an intervention?
Vanessa Baxter : [sarcastic] You got me. I turned your office into a meth lab.
Kristin Baxter : It's the baby-proofing guy. He's here for a consultation.
Mike Baxter : I know who it is. It's that huckster from TV.
Vanessa Baxter : [indicating he's in the other room] Shh! He's...
Mike Baxter : I can't believe you'd invite him over here without asking me.
Kristin Baxter : I made the appointment. And I brought home pie.
Mike Baxter : You can't distract me with a... a very warm, delicious-looking pie.
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Vanessa Baxter : Evie, I just got a weird text from Mandy. It says she's "slinging 'zas." What, is-is that code for something that makes me a bad mother?
Eve Baxter : No clue. I-I don't speak "Mandy".
Mike Baxter : It means I got her a job delivering pizzas.
Vanessa Baxter : To strangers?
Mike Baxter : [sarcastic] No, just to us.
Vanessa Baxter : I mean, isn't that dangerous? Why-why don't you just get her the graveyard shift at a liquor store?
Mike Baxter : 'Cause she's not old enough?
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Mike Baxter : Baby, delivering pizza's not dangerous. I did it as a kid.
Vanessa Baxter : I thought we weren't gonna do anything unless we both said "yes."
[pointing to herself]
Vanessa Baxter : No.
Mike Baxter : Why are you so against this?
Vanessa Baxter : Because you were a boy. Mandy is a girl; an attractive teenage girl showing up at strangers' houses, one of which might... might have a cage in the basement.
Mike Baxter : Your world view saddens me.
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Vanessa Baxter : The point is, we need to decide things together.
Mike Baxter : Mm-hmm.
Vanessa Baxter : And we went a little nuts with the whole baby-proofing thing. So, uh, if you're on board, I think we should just dial it back.
Mike Baxter : What about Kristin?
[off-screen, there's a loud rattling and banging]
Kristin Baxter : Ugh! Mother-father! Nothing opens around here!
Vanessa Baxter : I think she'll be okay with it.