- The family's dude ranch vacation turns into disaster when Dylan proposes to Haley, Alex gets an unexpected first kiss, their cowboy guide keeps hitting on Gloria, and Phil goes out of his way to impress Jay.
- The family decides to don their cow boots and hats and head to Jackson Hole, Wyoming for some fun and adventure in the great outdoors. While vacationing on Lost Creek Ranch, they try their hands at a little cattle herding, skeet shooting and horseback riding; there are also some big firsts, a huge surprise and an actual face off between Jay and a foe - a cowboy named Hank.—ABC Publicity
- The family is heading to Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Phil (Ty Burrell) is excited, and Claire (Julie Bowen)...not so much. Phil's already in cowboy mode, Haley (Sarah Hyland) is worried about being in the same cabin as Dylan, and Claire hates landing. But not to worry, Phil is there to comfort her...as is Dylan. Meanwhile, Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) and Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) are thinking of adopting a boy from the States. ("We're buying domestic.") To convince a mom out there they are great parents, Cameron made a photo album of the great job they did with Lily. It's a pop-up album...with accompanying disco music. (Admit it; you were expecting worse.)
They land, only Gloria (Sofía Vergara) can't get her ears to pop. Manny (Rico Rodriguez) suggests putting a little rouge on them. ("Nobody gets me.") Cam thinks Mitchell didn't like the sparkly Jacket and red cowboy hat Lily was wearing, but Mitchell loved it...once Cam took off his matching outfit. Gloria thinks she's the "horse whisperer," even though she's yelling loudly enough to spook the horses, and Dylan can't believe how far he is from home. (CLAIRE: Where's a cliff when you need one?) They meet Hank, the owner of the dude ranch and a real cowboy, so Manny figured he knew what was included in the spa package. And now everybody's calling Manny "Hollywood." And no, it's not a compliment. Phil is on an important mission.
PHIL: I've been practicing all my cowboy skills. Shootin', ropin'...pancake eatin'. Sometimes I think Jay doesn't respect me.
But Phil has Jay (Ed O'Neill) all wrong: it's not sometimes, it's all the time. As evidenced by the fact Phil was drilling the clay targets on the shooting range like he was a sniper, but Jay wasn't impressed. Although Phil was a step up from Mitchell, who didn't even know not to aim his shotgun at anybody, and he was done for the day. Mitchell was depressed.
MITCHELL: I realized, if I was going to raise a boy, I needed to butch up my life. (Uh, first problem...) I wanted to teach him all the things my dad taught...Claire.
Hollywood, Luke (Nolan Gould), and Alex (Ariel Winter) decided to just hang out at the pool. Luke had a firecracker he planned to set off at a very opportune time for maximum scare effect. (No, how could this go badly?) Alex was getting ticked off being splashed by some extremely New York-accented kid doing cannonballs into the pool while she was reading. Later on, she pushing Lily on a swing, and Jimmy (Joe Pesci's nephew) decides to be obnoxious once again. Alex tells him in no uncertain terms she doesn't like him calling her "gorgeous", she doesn't want him following her around, and she wants him to leave her alone. And he does, right after he kisses her.
LILY: You kissed a boy!
ALEX: No, the boy kissed me. (and she liked it)
Everybody else tries their luck at roping cattle, and Hank has taken to nicknaming everybody. Jay is Old-Timer and can't get his horse to obey, Gloria is Cactus Flower (which she never hears him say, although Jay does), and Phil has to steer some calves towards Bossy, AKA Claire. (Saw that one a mile away, didn't ya.)
HALEY: Go Mom! You rock!
DYLAN: Yeah, Mom! You rock!
CLAIRE: Oh, I wish I had a rock.
Phil tells Claire she should be nicer to Dylan, and she wants to know why he's being so nice, since Haley could do so much better.
PHIL: Because I know what it's like to fall for a girl whose dad thinks he's not good enough.
Claire decides to give it a try and has a chat with Dylan...once he finished his song about riding a horse for the first time. Dylan thought she didn't like him, but Claire says she likes him. It's just complicated with Haley being her daughter and...
DYLAN: Whoah! You are totally a hot mom, but I can't do this.
Claire cuts it off before it gets more awkward, and Dylan is glad. Although he does add for the record he'd totally share his bed with her and raise Luke, Alex, and Haley as his own.
At the campfire (and after Gloria stops singing), Mitchell is depressed about not being able to do anything manly and thinks Cameron and he shouldn't adopt right away. Cameron is upset, but Claire is about to be more upset when Dylan decides to propose to Haley in front of everybody. Technically, he didn't propose, since Claire grabbed the engagement ring before Dylan could pop the question, even though Dylan meant they would get married after they graduated. Haley freaks out and yells at her, Phil doesn't back her play, Dylan walks away ready to cry, and everybody else is feeling quite awkward.
HANK: For what it's worth, my second wife was in high school.
Mitchell confesses to Cam he really wants to do the father-son stuff with their new baby. He was ashamed his father was such a rough-and-tumble guy and he's living with a rough-and-tumble guy. But all he can think about when he sees the Three Stooges is that in real life, people who get hit in the head with a ladder go to the hospital for an MRI. (Well, in fairness to the Stooges, they only had X-ray machines during their time.) But Luke tries to tell Mitchell he's a fun uncle. But Luke isn't very good at telling Mitch what Cam told him to say, so he shows Mitch his firecracker. Mitch doesn't want him to light it, and Luke is upset. Mitchell decides to give it a go. They decide to create some angry birds (Luke's words) by blowing up a birdhouse. It's bye-bye birdie! (Mitch's words) But it's enough to convince Mitchell to adopt a son. And he wants to put pictures in the album of him blowing up stuff! (CAMERON: OK, I see we've overcorrected.)
Claire is upset by what happened and wants to talk to Haley and Dylan, but Jay tells her if she pushes, Haley will marry him to spite her and she'll end up with a boob for a son-in-law. (PHIL: What's that supposed to mean?!?) But first, they would have to find Dylan, who apparently ran away. Hank will help...after he finishes massaging Gloria's shoulders...in Jay's presence. Buffalo Phil and Old-Timer will take the north trail, while Hank goes up the advanced trail with Cactus Flower. Out on the trail, Phil tells off Jay over the son-in-law crack, emphasizing he's been a loyal husband and a loving father to his grandkids. Jay relents and asks Phil if Hank is behaving weirdly. Phil confirms he's totally hitting on Gloria, and Jay is off...once he can get his horse going.
Alex tracks down Jimmy and reads him the riot act because he stole her first kiss. She wanted her first kiss to be from someone with a high GPA and a bright future, not a Mario brother. He gets upset and gives her kiss back to her. And now she doesn't want it, so she gives it back to him. Haley isn't having better luck. She tells Claire she would have turned Dylan down had Claire not interrupted it. She wanted to prove to her mother she could be an adult, but her mom took that away from her. They eventually find Dylan, who fell asleep in a stable after he ran away, only to be found by the ranch owner. And now he works for Jake (a woman) at the ranch, and Haley's just a high school student, so it couldn't work. Claire's relieved, and Haley's offended.
Jay finally catches up to Hank and Gloria, and Hank was trying to hit on her, if the hand on her ass was anything to go by. He hitched a ride on Phil's horse, but good enough.
JAY: Hey! You better move away from that woman!
PHIL: Only we touch our women when they don't want us to!
It's time to head home. Alex has to say goodbye to Jimmy, since they live across the country from each other. And everybody says goodbye to Dylan. But at least Mitchell has some photos to put in the album. If Cam can ease up on the glitter.
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