- Ted Mosby: Sixteen moments of pure destiny in one day. And of those sixteen, ten were single. Of those ten, seven liked what they saw. Of those seven, four were women. Of those four, two gave me their real number. And I have a date with both of them!
- Nora: [In coming clean to Nora, Barney explains every lie he's ever made to seduce a woman] Okay, let's skip ahead. What's the worst one? The lowest of the low? The crème de la creepy?
- Barney Stinson: Oh, I once pulled the Soul Man. There was this beautiful girl who only dated black guys-
- [black woman at next booth overhears and looks in their direction]
- Black Woman: Barnelle? Ooh, I knew it!
- [Storms out]
- Marshall Eriksen: This was bound to happen eventually. I've been trying so hard to suppress like my carefree idiot side that it just rebelled and came out swingin'.
- Ted Mosby: I can't decide. They're both awesome.
- Robin Scherbatsky: If only architects had two balls, right, Ted?
- [Ted gives her an annoyed look]
- Lily Aldrin: [Helpful] I got this. Ted,
- [extends fists]
- Lily Aldrin: left or right?
- Ted Mosby: Yes, yes, great idea. Let the fates decide, huh?
- [speaks while alternating fists]
- Ted Mosby: I will pick left.
- [Lily slaps him]
- Lily Aldrin: Just call one of 'em!
- Marshall Eriksen: [Drunk] Whoa, did someone say generous endowment? I'm Marshall Eriksen, but you can call me, Beercules!
- Ted Mosby: I don't want to be choosing between two girls. I want to be a complete head over heels idiot for one!
- Barney Stinson: And that concludes all the space related lies. Let's move onto the world of sports. Oh wait sorry, I just thought of another space one. I've been bitten by a moon snake, you need to suck all the space poison out of my...
- [Trails off]
- Marshall Eriksen: I wanna be the kind of man my child can look up to. So, sweeping declaration, I am never getting drunk again as long as I live.
- [the rest of the gang laughs]
- Marshall Eriksen: I'm serious!
- Narrator: Kids, it's not that your Uncle Marshall had a drinking problem. But whenever he made a sweeping declaration like that, you pretty much knew...
- [the next day, Marshall walks in drunk]
- Marshall Eriksen: I DID IT AGAIN!
- Narrator: But I'm getting ahead of myself.
- Lily Aldrin: Wait a minute. You're going to date two girls at once? Don't you think you should just choose one before it gets serious?
- Ted Mosby: Define serious.
- Lily Aldrin: Well that's complicated. I guess you have to weigh expectations, emotional investments...
- Marshall Eriksen: Third base, serious at third base!