- Oancitizen: And of course, the film ends with Pinocchio no longer a puppet. He's a real 50-year-old man pretending to be a boy.
- Oancitizen: He arrives at the blue fairy's tombstone. She died of grief, because for some reason she cared about this demon-spawn in pink jammies.
- Pinocchio: Fairy, how do you become dead? I wanna be dead too!
- Oancitizen: [holds up knife] I can help you with that!
- Oancitizen: When I am dead, the man who greets me at the gates of Hell will be a thin, hyperactive Italian going "I'm a fish, gloog, gloog."
- Oancitizen: It's a world of finals clubs, insider trading, and mountains of cocaine. It will stay that way as long as you keep the coloreds out.
- [winks]
- Oancitizen: Now let me tell you about the Fuck Truck...
- Oancitizen: You know, this might not be the most "artistic" thing I've done, unless contrived, soul-crushing whimsy is considered avant garde.
- Oancitizen: There is a big difference between adults acting like children, and adults acting like complete twits. And that will be a major theme of the review.
- Oancitizen: Who did his voice anyway? Breckin Meyer? I refuse to comment.
- Pinocchio: [to cricket] Be quiet, will you? Anybody ever told you your voice is really annoying?
- Oancitizen: HIS voice is really annoying?
- Oancitizen: I don't know what's he watching, but any play that has the line did you steal the salami? has to be worthy of an NEA grant