Key and Peele (TV Series)
Bitch (2012)
Jordan Peele: Various Characters
Quotes
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Various Characters : It's like the last week, man. We going out to dinner, right? She's like, "Where do you wanna go?"
Various Characters : Uh-oh.
Various Characters : I'm like, "All right. Outback Steakhouse." She's like, "Nah."
Various Characters : Mm-hmm.
Various Characters : I'm like, "Straight up, Chili's." She's like, "Ehh."
Various Characters : No. No.
Various Characters : Darrell, I named seven more restaurants.
Various Characters : No, Craig, no!
Various Characters : I finally said, "Taylor's", the place I know she wants to go in the first place.
Various Characters : Right! Right. Right?
Various Characters : She look at me, she said, "If that's where you wanna go."
Various Characters : No, she didn't, Craig!
Various Characters : If that's where I wanna go? Darrell, I looked my woman in the eye sockets. I told her straight out, I just said it, man. I said it! I said, I said, I said...
[looks around to make sure it's clear]
Various Characters : I said, "Bi..."
[they get interrupted by their wives]
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Various Characters : [in a spaceship] So then she's like, "I didn't know we'd be doing so much walking."
Various Characters : Nuh-uh!
Various Characters : I'm like, "I didn't tell you to wear those shoes." She said, "Don't raise your voice at me."
Various Characters : What?
Various Characters : Da-rrell. I looked this woman dead in the windows of her soul. I said...
[looks around to make sure it's clear]
Various Characters : I said...
[goes outside into space]
Various Characters : I said, "*Bitch!*"
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Various Characters : Dude, I am sorry we're late, man.
Various Characters : Man, it happens, man.
Various Characters : And she talk about how we're supposed to be in the car at 6:45, I'm like, "All right."
Various Characters : Uh-Oh.
Various Characters : Tell me my dumb ass ain't sitting in the car, waiting until 7:15.
Various Characters : Nuh-uh.
Various Characters : Okay, when I track down my wife 25 minutes later, she's stepping out the damn shower talking about, "Can I help you?"
Various Characters : See, that's crazy right there.
Various Characters : Craig, I looked this woman in the eye, I said...
[looks around to make sure it's clear]
Various Characters : "*Bitch,* you told me 6:45."
Various Characters : You said that?
Various Characters : Psh, yeah I said...
[looks around to make sure it's clear]
Various Characters : "*Bitch.*" Then I laid it out.
Various Characters : But you said, "bitch," though?
Various Characters : Hmm?
Various Characters : You said, "bitch?"
Various Characters : [unconvincingly] Yeah...
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Various Characters : I said, "*Bitch,* if you wanted to go to Taylor's, just tell a brother you want to go to Taylor's!" Okay?
Various Characters : You said that?
Various Characters : Oh, Hell yeah, man. I laid it out, right? I says, I says, I says...
[looks around to make sure it's clear]
Various Characters : I said, "*Bitch,* I'm the man of the house."
Various Characters : You said, "bitch," though?
Various Characters : Hmm?
Various Characters : You called your wife a bitch?
Various Characters : [unconvincingly] Uh-huh, yeah...
-
Various Characters : So she's like, "Why don't you rent a movie we both like?"
Various Characters : No, she didn't.
Various Characters : After I spent 25 minutes in the Goddamn Blockbuster. Craig, I looked this woman in her optic stems and I says... I said...
[looks around to make sure it's clear]
Various Characters : I says, "*Bitch!*"
Various Characters : You said that?
Various Characters : Ain't nothing, but a thing!
Various Characters : But you said, "bitch," though?
Various Characters : [unconvincingly] Yep...