Mr. Mayor (TV Series)

Murder in the Old West (2022)

Bobby Moynihan: Jayden Kwapis

Quotes 

• Jayden Kwapis : And you two, of course, are adult stable boy Enos Craven and his lovely wife, Colette.

  Adriana : Who knows that there's more to life than this marriage and is openly cuckolding Enos with Camarillo Jones.

  Neil Bremer : I'm sorry. Wait, what's that?

  Jayden Kwapis : It's just you said you wanted to play the couple, sir.

  Neil Bremer : I lost my manhood in... in the Civil War? Is that literal or...

  James : [as the character Dr Eustace Princeton]  It is. Yeah, you visited my office and you said you were running away from the battle of Gettysburg, and it got bitten off by a dog.

  Neil Bremer : Okay. I don't like who I am.

• Tommy Tomás : You know how I keep an eye on what Jayden looks at online?

  Mikaela Shaw : In case he's planning to kill all of us?

  Tommy Tomás : Right. Well, he's been searching nothing but murder mysteries. So he is either going to kill us or even worse, he's going to invite us to a murder mystery party.

  [Jayden appears behind Tommy] 

  Jayden Kwapis : [flatly]  Hey, guys.

  [Tommy shudders] 

  Jayden Kwapis : I'm having a murder mystery party at my apartment tonight.

  Tommy Tomás , Mikaela Shaw : Oh, I... Oh, I...

  [searching for an excuse to decline an invitation] 

  Jayden Kwapis : My therapist thinks that I need to start planning for a partnerless future and building a social life unrelated to dating. My therapist also thinks that I need to invite people the day of so that they don't have time to make up an excuse because I'm too trusting.

  Tommy Tomás , Mikaela Shaw : [overlapping]  We'd love to come. Can't wait, buddy.

  James : Can I come too?

  Jayden Kwapis : Oh. I bought two beers the week we met just hoping this day would come.

• Jayden Kwapis : Well, I'm Camarillo Jones, and I'm a man of few words. So... yep.

  Adriana : Well, Mr. Jones, I'm supposed to interview you.

  [laughs] 

  Adriana : But why am I being so formal when you and I have made the beast with two backs?

  Jayden Kwapis : A camel?

• Jayden Kwapis : Sir, just wanted to say I'm so sorry I cuckolded you last night.

  Neil Bremer : Kwapis, Adriana, and I had been on a couple of dates. That is all. It's fine. Not that I wasn't surprised when I went into the kitchen. I mean, did she lift you up on the counter, or did you jump up there?

  Jayden Kwapis : It's all a blur, sir.

  Neil Bremer : Well, I guess, despite my best efforts, I ended up playing the part of Enos Craven pretty well, didn't I?

  [chuckles] 

  Neil Bremer : But there is a silver lining. Oh, you saw my underwear. Yeah, that's for odor.

  Jayden Kwapis : Oh, you saw my underwear. Yeah, that's for odor.