- Jake Harper: Uncle Charlie never treated me like a stupid kid.
- Alan: That's nice.
- Jake Harper: He treated me more like a stupid person.
- Melanie: Is this your house?
- Alan Harper: Not exactly.
- Melanie: What do you mean?
- Alan Harper: I mean, after we fall in love and get married, it'll be our house.
- Melanie: Wow, you don't waste time, do you?
- Alan Harper: No. When I see what I want, I get right to the BS.
- Melanie: I'm Melanie. Melanie Hofland.
- Alan Harper: Oh. Nice to meet you, Melanie. I'm...
- [pauses]
- Alan Harper: Charlie. Charlie Harper.
- Berta: [about Melanie and her dog] Which one did you tap?
- Alan Harper: I'll give you a hint. I didn't do the dog peoplestyle.
- Alan Harper: Let me just get Charlie's personal stuff out of here. Oh, here is some of his unfinished music. Um... panties. Panties... Panties... Waterpipe... Oh, vibrator.
- Walden Schmidt: So we're talking songs, thongs, bongs and chauns.
- Alan Harper: If he had an autobiography, that would be the title.
- Jake Harper: I think we have a problem.
- Walden Schmidt: Your father?
- Jake Harper: Yeah. He's acting like my uncle Charlie. He's even dressing like my uncle Charlie. The only thing left of my dad is his cheapness.
- Walden Schmidt: [about the bartender] She's nice.
- Alan Harper: To you, sure. You're living in the world of nice.
- Walden Schmidt: That's because I'm nice to people and they're nice back to me.
- Alan Harper: No, it's because you're tall, rich and good looking.
- Walden Schmidt: And nice!
- Walden Schmidt: Hey, you remember that shrink you sent me to? Maybe you should go see her.
- Alan Harper: What for? I'm fine.
- Walden Schmidt: What's your name?
- Alan Harper: Charlie Harper.
- Walden Schmidt: You're not fine.