Mathew Buck: Film Brain

Quotes 

• Film Brain : Ooh, how do you think he's going to weasel his way into the theme park? Because we all know Axel has an excuse for every day of the week. Ha ha ha.

  Axel : One please.

  Film Brain : Oh come on, this is Axel Foley, not Eddie Murphy in a Lions jacket. What's funny about hearing him complain about the entrace fee? Nothing. That's what regular folk do.

• Film Brain : Axel rushes onto the nearest ride, despite shunting passed... George Lucas and his wife?

  Disappointed Man : Come on, let's go.

  Film Brain : [imitating Lucas]  I'll go home and add some shitty, unnecessary special effects to some of my old movies.

  ["Han shot first, asshole" appears on screen] 

• Janice : They don't show Mr. Foley's courage when the ride malfunctioned. He risked his life to save two children.

  Axel : Yeah, it don't show that shit.

  Orrin : Well that would be very impressive, if we knew for sure you didn't cause the malfunction in the first place.

  Film Brain : There's a crowd of people who saw your guards dicking with your machine that would like to disagree.

• Film Brain : It's Uncle Dave, the man behind Wonder World, who couldn't be more Walt Disney unless he was cryogenically frozen.

• Uncle Dave : It's a place of childhood innocense and fun.

  Axel : And life and death.

  Film Brain : From the writer of Die Hard, eh?

• Film Brain : We've only met three times, but because you're black, you must be the one.

• Film Brain : Each time a joke fails, an angel loses its wings.

• Film Brain : Flint has also arrived on the scene after Billy rung his pager earlier. That's right, he didn't hear the explosions or the UZI fire. This is a dumb movie.

• Axel : You alright?

  Billy : [bloodied and battered]  I'm fine.

  Film Brain : I'm sorry, but when people get shot in the chest with an UZI, they die.

  [Billy faints; Axel and Flint laugh] 

  Film Brain : Ha ha ha, he's gonna die.

• Film Brain : Oh my God, the pussification of Axel Foley is complete. Now he's a fucking cartoon fox.

• Janice : I don't think you've seen the Tunnel of Love ride, have you, Axel?

  Film Brain : Eww, I'd rather ride on Space Mountain, thank you.

• Film Brain : Here's a hint to directors everywhere, if your script stinks, don't cover it, rewrite it!

• Film Brain : Eventually, Paramount brought the movie to the screen... in 1994. That's the movie's first real stumbling block. The Beverly Hills Cop movies were... old. I mean, the last one was seven years ago. Who did they expect would give a shit?

• Film Brain : They're going in to arrest some car jacking mechanics who are... dancing to the Supremes?

  ["Come See About Me" plays and the mechanics dance] 

  Film Brain : Oh, good God. Already we see Landis' influence here, and it's woefully out of place. How about we have a fat mechanic do a hand-stand and stretch the joke to breaking point? It's just so wacky!

• Ellis DeWald : Yes!

  Film Brain : That wasn't overly dramatic or anything.

• Film Brain : [hood shoots out the radio]  Thank fuck for that.

• Axel : [Todd is shot]  No!

  Film Brain : Fiddlesticks, I left the oven on.

• Todd : Axel, you on a coffee break? Go get that son of a bitch.

  Film Brain : That's right, play a significant character's death for laughs.

• Film Brain : Then we cut to Todd's funeral. Are we supposed to take this seriously? The guy whose death we played for laughs five minutes ago? Look, you can't have it both ways, movie. Pick one and stick with it.

• Film Brain : When did Axel Foley become John bloody McClane?

• Film Brain : So Axel races Uncle Dave, bleeding to death from gun shot wounds, to the hospital, because that's funny, right?

• Film Brain : And a fight ensues as Billy arrives, and because the writer couldn't figure out what to do with Janice and Billy, locks them in the chamber for a bit. Now that's crappy writing.

• Film Brain : Back on the ride, we get Axel and DeWald facing off. DeWald shoots Axel in the arm before they engage in some far-too-brutal fighting.

  [DeWald slams Axel's head against the ride repeatedly] 

  Film Brain : Jesus, this is meant to be a comedy, right? I've seen less blood in real fights.

• Film Brain : [Axel shoots DeWald dead]  Wow, how anti-climactic. The final fight lasted a whole minute. Sucktacular.

• Film Brain : Realistic exit wounds. Just what we needed in a lighthearted, summer blockbuster.