Safety Not Guaranteed (2012)
Jake Johnson: Jeff
Photos
Quotes
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Darius : What makes you think he won't slam the door in my face, too?
Jeff : Because you gotta be sincere and charming. Okay? He's used to assholes like me coming and making fun.
Arnau : Uh, also, probably none of the other people were beautiful girls.
Jeff : [with a sideways look] Easy, Arnau.
Arnau : What?
Jeff : He's right. Use that too. There's something off about this guy, okay? So you gotta go slow, like you're trapping a skittish animal. Now, lure him. Play coy. Girls know how to do that shit.
Darius : You're dangling my vagina out there like bait. What if this guy's a murderer? What if he cuts me up into little pieces and eats me?
Jeff : Then the story's even better.
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Jeff : It's all one long school year now. No start, no finish.
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Jeff : You never done coke or anything, when you're studying for an exam?
Arnau : Cocaine? Are you crazy?
Jeff : What is it you study?
Arnau : Biological and life sciences.
Jeff : Makes sense. So what are you doing, interning at a magazine?
Arnau : Diversity looks good on an application for grad school.
Jeff : You know what, we gotta get you laid on this vacation. That's what's gotta happen.
Darius : Vacation?
Jeff : I mean, work trip. Whatever.
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[Darius joins Jeff and Arnau in the motel lounge bar, where Jeff has shown Arnau how to Facebook friend an old girlfriend of Jeff's]
Jeff : Here she is. Look at you, you went all rogue. What did you get?
Darius : Got his name, where he works.
Jeff : Great.
Darius : What did you guys get?
[Jeff points to the Facebook page]
Jeff : She accepted, but, uh, no photos, so I'm not really sure.
Darius : What?
Arnau : He came here to hook up with an old high school girlfriend.
Darius : [scornful] Seriously? That's what you've been doing?
Jeff : Well, I've been doing other stuff, too, but.
[Jeff takes a sheet of photos out of his pocket, with bravado]
Jeff : Maybe this will change your attitude a little bit. That's her. When she was 18, and I used to see her naked.
Darius : So?
Jeff : So I'm coming back to try to see her naked again.
Darius : I'd be weirded out if some guy tried to track me down after 20 years.
Jeff : I'd be weirded out, too, if some guy tried to track you down.
Darius : Why?
Jeff : Who would do that?
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[Jeff approaches Kenneth's house. He clearly has not done enough research, and acts like a smiling, bobbing idiot]
Jeff : Kenneth Calloway, right? Is that right? My name is Jeff.
[He extends a hand to shake, which Kenneth ignores. Jeff is grinning too much]
Jeff : Look, I saw your ad in the, uh, Classifieds. I want to know if you need a partner.
Kenneth : What's your mission?
Jeff : What do you mean, what's my mission?
Kenneth : What's your reason for going back?
[Jeff has changed from smiling maniacally to frowning]
Jeff : Oh, well, who wouldn't want to go back? It's an amazing opportunity. To go back in time, you know? See gladiators, and watch dinosaurs with my own eyes. Have sex with a pilgrim? That's all I wanted. I want to go back. It's neat. Who wouldn't want to go back, Kenneth? YOU want to go back. Why do YOU want to go back? Well, do you need a partner?
Kenneth : Can you look fear and danger in the eye?
Jeff : That's an odd question.
Kenneth : Have you ever stared fear and danger in the eye and said YES.
Jeff : Sure.
Kenneth : Get off my porch.
Jeff : Let's start over. Come on, we can be pals. Let's go back in time.
Kenneth : Man, that smile. What is that smile? You don't know pain, you don't know regret, you don't know...
Jeff : [agreeing with everything and leaving with his arms raised] Okay. Well, look, it was really nice to meet you.
Kenneth : [grimly] That's what I thought.
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[Jeff joins Darius and Arnau in the car after a badly-managed interview with Kenneth]
Jeff : Huhh!
Darius : So what'd he say?
Jeff : Well, he's the real deal. That ad is no prank. He's not, like, retarded, but there's something wrong with this guy. Definitely didn't like my ass, I'll tell you that.
Arnau : So, so what; that's it?
Jeff : Oh, no. This just got good.
