Django Unchained (2012)

Leonardo DiCaprio: Calvin Candie

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Quotes 

• Calvin Candie : White cake?

  Dr. King Schultz : I don't go in for sweets, thank you.

  Calvin Candie : Are you brooding 'bout me getting the best of ya, huh?

  Dr. King Schultz : Actually, I was thinking of that poor devil you fed to the dogs today, D'Artagnan. And I was wondering what Dumas would make of all this.

  Calvin Candie : Come again?

  Dr. King Schultz : Alexander Dumas. He wrote "The Three Musketeers." I figured you must be an admirer. You named your slave after his novel's lead character. If Alexander Dumas had been there today, I wonder what he would have made of it?

  Calvin Candie : You doubt he'd approve?

  Dr. King Schultz : Yes. His approval would be a dubious proposition at best.

  Calvin Candie : Soft hearted Frenchy?

  Dr. King Schultz : Alexander Dumas is black.

• Calvin Candie : [to Django]  So, bright boy, Moguy tells me you looked over my African flesh and you was none too impressed, huh?

  Django : Not for top dollar.

  Calvin Candie : Well, then, we got nothing more to talk about. You see, you want to buy a beat ass nigger from me, those are the beat ass niggers I want to sell, so...

  Django : He don't wanna buy the niggers you wanna sell. He wants the nigger you don't wanna sell.

  Calvin Candie : Well, I don't sell the niggers I don't wanna sell.

  Dr. King Schultz : Well, you won't sell your best. You won't even sell your second best, but your third best? You don't wanna sell either, but if I made you an offer so ridiculous, you'd be forced to consider it?

  [laughs] 

  Dr. King Schultz : Who knows what could happen?

  Calvin Candie : And what do you consider "ridiculous?"

  Dr. King Schultz : For a truly talented specimen, the right nigger? How much would you say, Django?

  Django : ...12,000 dollars.

  Calvin Candie : Gentlemen, you had my curiosity, now you have my attention.

• Calvin Candie : Hello. Stephen, my boy!

  Stephen : [black house servant exiting the Big House]  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hello, my ass. Who dis nigger up on dat nag?

  Calvin Candie : Aw, Stephen, you have nails for breakfast? What's the matter? Why you so ornery? You miss me? Huh?

  Stephen : Oh, yes, sir. I miss you like a hawg miss slop. Like a baby miss mammy titty! I miss you like I misses a rock in my shoe! Now, I aks you, who dis nigger on dat nag?

  Django : Hey, Snowball. You wanna know my name or the name of my horse, you ask me.

  Stephen : Just who the hell you callin' 'Snowball,' hoss boy? I'll snatch yo black ass off dat nag down here in the mud so fast make yo head spin!

  Calvin Candie : Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Stephen! Stephen! Let's keep it funny. Django here's a freeman.

  Stephen : Dis nigger here?

  Calvin Candie : That nigger there. Let me at least introduce the two of you. Django, this is a another cheeky black bugger like yourself, Stephen. Stephen, this here is Django. You two oughta hate each other.

  Stephen : Calvin, just who the hell is dis nigger you feel's the need to entertain?

  Calvin Candie : Django, and his friend in gray here, Dr. Schultz, are customers. And they are our guests, Stephen. And you, you old, decrepit bastard, you are to show them every hospitality. You understand that?

  Stephen : Yes, sir. Him I understands, but I don't know why I got to take lip off dis nigger.

  Calvin Candie : You don't have to know why. Do you understand?

  Stephen : Yes, sir. I understand.

  Calvin Candie : Well, good. They're spending the night. Go open the guest bedrooms and get two ready.

  Stephen : [mortified]  He gawn stay in the Big House?

  Calvin Candie : Stephen. He's a slaver. It's different.

  Stephen : In the Big House?

  Calvin Candie : Well, you got a problem with that?

  Stephen : Aw, naw, naw. I ain't got no problem with it. If you ain't got no problem with burnin' the bed, the sheets, the pillowcase, and everything else when this black-ass motherfucker's gone!

  Calvin Candie : That is my problem! They are mine to burn! Now your problem right now is making a good impression! And I want you to start solving that problem right now and get them goddamn rooms ready!

  Stephen : Yes, sir, Monsieur Candie.

  Calvin Candie : Go on, now.

  Stephen : Cain't believe you brought a nigger to stay in the Big House. Yo daddy's rollin' over in his goddamn grave, right now. Brought a nigger to stay with us. What kinda shit is that?

  Calvin Candie : Man, the lip on him! Whoo! He's getting worse and worse. Now, WHERE IS MY BEAUTIFUL SISTER?

• Dr. King Schultz : Mister Candie, normally I would say "Auf wiedersehen," but since what "auf wiedersehen" actually means is "'till I see you again", and since I never wish to see you again, to you, sir, I say goodbye!

  [Dr. Schultz turns around to leave with Django and Broomhilda] 

  Calvin Candie : [Candie sulks in his library chair for a brief moment as he watches Schultz walk out. He then raises his hand to stop the doctor]  Hmm! One more moment, Doctor!

  Dr. King Schultz : [stops and faces Candie]  What?

  Calvin Candie : [Candie raises out of his chair]  It's a custom here in the South once a business deal is concluded that the two parties shake hands. It implies good faith...

  Dr. King Schultz : I'm not from the South...

  [Schultz turns again] 

  Calvin Candie : But you are in my house, Doctor! So, I'm afraid I must insist...

  Dr. King Schultz : Insist? On what? That I shake your hand?

  [pause] 

  Dr. King Schultz : Then I'm afraid I must insist in the opposite direction!

  Calvin Candie : [Calvin walks closer to the German doctor]  You know what I think you are?

  Dr. King Schultz : What you think I am? No, I don't!

  Calvin Candie : I think you are a bad loser!

  Dr. King Schultz : And I think you're an abysmal winner!

  Calvin Candie : Never the less, here in Chickasaw County, a deal ain't done till the two parties have shook hands. Even after all that paper signin', don't mean shit you don't shake my hand.

  Dr. King Schultz : And if I don't shake your hand, you're gonna throw away $12,000? I don't think so!

  Calvin Candie : Mr. Pooch, if she tries to leave here before this nigger-loving German shakes my hand, you cut her ass down!

  [Butch turns around to Broomhilda and clicks his gun. Django stands in front of Broomhilda to protect her in case she gets shot; he looks at Schultz. Dr. Schultz glares back at Django with an angry look on his face] 

  Dr. King Schultz : [Dr. Schultz turns back at Candie]  You REALLY want me to shake your hand?

  Calvin Candie : [Candie holds out his hand and smirks]  I insist!

  Dr. King Schultz : Oh, if you insist...

  [Schultz smiles and walks up to Candie, pretending to willfully shake his hand; he instead raises a tiny gun hidden under his sleeve and shoots Candie in the chest] 

• Dr. King Schultz : [after Calvin Candie brings a box into his dining room and takes a human skull out of it]  Who is your little friend?

  Calvin Candie : This is Ben. He's a old Joe that lived around here for a long time. And I do mean a long damn time. Old Ben here took care of my daddy and my daddy's daddy, till he up and keeled over one day. Old Ben took care of me. Growing up the son of a huge plantation owner in Mississippi puts a white man in contact with a whole lot of black faces. I spent my whole life here right here in Candyland, surrounded by black faces. And seeing them every day, day in day out, I only had one question. Why don't they kill us? Now right out there on that porch three times a week for fifty years, old Ben here would shave my daddy with a straight razor. Now if I was old Ben, I would have cut my daddy's goddamn throat, and it wouldn't have taken me no fifty years to do it neither. But he never did. Why not? You see, the science of phrenology is crucial to understanding the separation about two species. In the skull of the African here, the area associated with submissiveness is larger than any human or other sub-human species on planet Earth. If you examine this piece of skull here, you'll notice three distinct dimples. Here, here and here. Now if I was holding a skull of a... of an Isaac Newton or Galileo, these three dimples would be in the area of the skull most associated with creativity. But this is the skull of old Ben, and in the skull of old Ben unburdened by genius, these three dimples exist in the area of the skull most associated with servility.

  [Turns to Django] 

  Calvin Candie : Now bright boy, I will admit you are pretty clever. But if I took this hammer here and I bashed it in your skull, you would have the same three dimples in the same place as old Ben.

• Calvin Candie : Your boss looks a little green around the gills.

  Django : He just ain't used to seein' a man ripped apart by dogs is all.

  Calvin Candie : But you are used to it?

  Django : I'm just a little more used to Americans than he is.

• Calvin Candie : Dr. Schultz, in Greenville, you yourself said that for the right nigger you'd be willing to pay what some may consider is a ridiculous amount. To which me myself said "What is your definition of ridiculous?" To which you said "$12,000." Now, considering y'all have ridden a whole lot of miles...

  [Candie aggressively grabs Broomhilda's head, she whimpers as Django looks on intensively] 

  Calvin Candie : ... went through a whole lot of trouble...

  [Candie continues holding Broomhilda's head, and starts rubbing her face] 

  Calvin Candie : ... and done spread a whole lot of bull to purchase this lovely lady right here, it would appear that Broomhilda is in fact the right nigger. And if y'all wanna leave Candyland with Broomhilda, the price... is $12,000.

  Dr. King Schultz : And I take it you prefer the take it or leave it style of negotiation?

  Calvin Candie : [Candie lets go of Broomhila's head]  Yes, I do, Doctor. You see, under the laws of Chickasaw County, Broomhilda, here, is my property... and I can choose to do with MY PROPERTY... WHATEVER I SO DESIRE!

  [Candie rubs his injured hand and smears the blood all over Broomhilda's face; she shrieks and moans in disgust and fear] 

  Calvin Candie : And if y'all think my price for this nigger here is too steep, what I'm gonna desire to do is...

  [Candie causally sets his cigarette down; he suddenly but quickly picks up his hammer and violently grabs hold of Broomhilda's hair, slamming her face on the dinner table and raising the hammer above her head. Schultz jumps while Django rises up out of his seat] 

  Calvin Candie : TAKE THIS GODDAMNED HAMMER HERE, AND BEAT HER ASS TO DEATH WITH IT! RIGHT IN FRONT OF BOTH YA'LL! THEN WE CAN EXAMINE THE THREE DIMPLES INSIDE BROOMHILDA'S SKULL! NOW... WHAT'S IT GONNA BE DOC? HUH? WHAT'S IT GOING TO BE?

  Dr. King Schultz : [Screams back nervously]  May I lift my hands off the table in order to remove my billfold?

  Calvin Candie : YES, you may!

  [Schultz quickly retrieves his wallet out of his pocket and tosses it on the table; Stephen grabs it and starts counting the money] 

  Stephen : [Nods to Calvin with the cash]  That twelve.

  [Candie greedily smiles as Stephen drops the cash in front of him] 

  Calvin Candie : [Lets go of Broomhilda's head and slams the hammer loudly on the table]  SOLD... TO THE MAN WITH EXCEPTIONAL BEARD, AND HIS UNEXCEPTIONAL NIGGER!

• Calvin Candie : [about Django]  He is a rambunctious sort, ain't he?

• Calvin Candie : [to Stephen]  Stephen, when you get through showing them to their rooms, go fetch Hildi. Get her cleaned up and smellin' real nice and send her over to Dr. Schultz's room.

  Stephen : [laughing]  Actually, Monsieur Candie sir, there's something I ain't told you about yet.

  Calvin Candie : What?

  Stephen : Uh, Hildi 'in the hot box.

  Calvin Candie : Well what's she doin' there?

  Stephen : What you think she doin' there, in the hot box? She been punished!

  Calvin Candie : Well what did she do?

  Stephen : She run off again.

  Calvin Candie : Jesus Christ, Stephen! How many people run away while I was gone?

  Stephen : Two.

  Calvin Candie : Well when did she go?

  Stephen : Last night. They brung her back this morning.

  Calvin Candie : How long she been in the box?

  Stephen : How long you think she been in there? All damn day! And the little bitch got ten more days to be in there.

  Calvin Candie : Take her out.

  Stephen : Take her out? Why?

  Calvin Candie : Because I said so, that's why! Dr. Schultz is my guest. Hildi is my nigger. Southern hospitality dictates I make her available to him.

  Stephen : But Monsieur Candie, she run off.

  Calvin Candie : Christ, Stephen! What is the point of having a nigger that speaks German if you can't wheel 'em out when you have a German guest? Now I realize it is an inconvenience. Still, you take her ass out!

  Stephen : Yes sir.

  Dr. King Schultz : Lori Lee! Will you and Cora be responsible for getting her cleaned up and presentable for Dr.Schultz, here?

  Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly : Of course, darling.

  Calvin Candie : Now, gentlemen, I do apologize; but, I am weary from our travels beyond words. It is time for me to rest my tired eyes.

  [kisses Lori Lee on the lips] 

  Stephen : [to the Overseers]  Ya'll done heard the man! Get her ass up outta there! Go! Come here. Get her over there and get her cleaned up and bring her back over here to, uh, Doctor -

  [to Schultz] 

  Stephen : What did you say your name was? Shoots?

  Dr. King Schultz : Shultz.

• Calvin Candie : I've heard tell about you. I heard you been telling everybody them mandingos ain't no damn good, ain't nothing nobody is selling is worth buying - I'm curious. What makes you such a mandingo expert?

  Django : I'm curious what makes you so curious.

• Dr. King Schultz : Oh, Monsieur Candie, you can't imagine what it's like not to hear your mother tongue in four years.

  Calvin Candie : Well hell, I can't imagine two weeks in Boston!

  Stephen : [laughs out loud]  "Two weeks in Boston!" Monsieur Candie, you a mess!

• Dr. King Schultz : [toasting their business transaction]  Prost!

  Calvin Candie : [toasting in kind]  ... German.

• Calvin Candie : [to Schultz]  Come on over. We got us a fight going on that's a good bit of fun.

• Dr. King Schultz : I can't express the joy I felt conversing in my mother tongue. And Hildi is a charming conversation companion.

  Calvin Candie : Well, be careful now, Dr. Schultz. You might have caught yourself a little dose of nigger love. Nigger love's a powerful emotion, boy. It's like a pool of black tar. Once it catches your ass, your caught.

  Stephen : Yessir, you stuck!

  Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly : I don't know, doctor. You can lay on all the German sweet talk you want, but it looks like this pony's got big eyes for Django.

  Dr. King Schultz : Well, naturally, it is the soaring eagle that attracts her attention, not the plucked chicken.

• Calvin Candie : [the library doors open revealing Calvin Candie, Stephen is sifting his brandy]  What is the matter?

  Stephen : [swirling his brandy glass, looks up]  Them motherfuckers ain't here to buy no mandingos. They's here for that girl.

• Calvin Candie : Django, and his friend in gray here, Dr. Schultz, are customers. And they are our guests, Stephen, and you, you old decrepit bastard are to show them every hospitality. You understand that?

• Calvin Candie : Everybody stop antagonizing my guest.

• Calvin Candie : [after selling Broomhilda to Django and Schultz]  Mr. Moguy!

  Leonide Moguy : Yes, Calvin?

  Calvin Candie : You make this gentlemen a receipt for $12,000, please.

  [Candie stands up and casually examines his cut hand] 

  Calvin Candie : It was a pleasure doing business with y'all.

  [pause] 

  Calvin Candie : Now gentlemen, if you care to join me in the parlor, we will be serving white cake...

• Calvin Candie : You do not have anything to drink. Can I get you a tasty refreshment?

  Dr. King Schultz : Yes! I'll have a beer.

  Calvin Candie : Wunderbar. Roscoe, a beer for the man with the beard and I will have a Polynesian Pearl Diver - do not spare the run.

• Calvin Candie : You enjoy that, boy - you've earned it.

  Big Fred : Yes, sir.

• Calvin Candie : How long was he lose?

  Mr. Stonesipher : About, a day. Just the other night.

  Calvin Candie : How far he get off of the property?

  Mr. Stonesipher : About twenty miles off the prop. Pretty far considering that limp he's got though.

  Calvin Candie : M-hmm.

• Calvin Candie : Where I part company from many of my phrenologist colleagues is I believe there is a level above bright, above talented, above loyal that a nigger can aspire to. Say, one nigger that just pops up in ten thousand. The exceptional nigger.

• Calvin Candie : Darlin', you are a tonic for tired eyes.

• Calvin Candie : Gentlemen, may I propose a toast? To Eskimo Joe!

• Dr. King Schultz : Why is he called Eskimo Joe?

  Calvin Candie : You never know how these nigger nicknames get started. His name was Joe. Maybe one day he said he was cold? Who knows?

• Calvin Candie : Dr. Shultz, when you were alone with Hildi, did you just speak German or did you get to take her clothes off?

  Dr. King Schultz : No, we just talked.

  Calvin Candie : So, you haven't seen her back?

  Dr. King Schultz : I haven't...

  Calvin Candie : No. No, no. Stephen's right. You might find this interesting. Hildi, go on take off your dress, show Dr. Schultz your back here. Go on.

  Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly : Calvin, I just got her all dressed up and looking nice.

  Calvin Candie : But Lara Lee, Dr. Schultz is from Dusseldorf, they don't got niggers there. He's a man of medicine! I'm sure it would fascinate him, the niggers endurance for pain. These niggers are tough, Dr. Schultz, no doubt about it. Hildi's got somethin' like four lashes on her back. If Lara Lee just get one, she'd lose her goddamn mind! Look at that Doctor. It's like a painting. Look at that.

  Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly : Calvin! Ain't no one wanna see her whipped up back.

  Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly : Fine. Fine, fine, fine, fine. After dinner then, Stephen. After dinner. During the brandies, gentlemen.

• Calvin Candie : Why would they go through all that trouble for a nigger with a chewed up back, ain't worth three hundred dollars?

  Stephen : They're doin' it cause that nigger Django's in love with Hildi. She's probably his wife. Now why that German gives a fuck about who that uppity son-of-a--bitch is in love with, I'm sure I don't know.

  Calvin Candie : If she's who they want, why the whole snake oil pitch about Mandingos then?

  Stephen : You wouldn't pay no never mind to no three hundred dollar. But twelve thousand - that made you real friendly now, didn't it?

  Calvin Candie : Yes, it did. His wife, huh? If there'd been a snake, it would have bit me. Those lyin' goddamn time wastin' sonsabitches! Sonsabitches!

• Calvin Candie : Mr. Moguy, who was D'Artagnan suppose to fight Friday?

  Leonide Moguy : One of this new lot.

  Calvin Candie : Well, the way he looks now, a blind Indian wouldn't bet 'a bead on 'em.

• Calvin Candie : Moguy, I want you to take care of my new boy, here. You find him a room with a soft bed and then you bring him up a pony to lick his pole.

• Calvin Candie : Why do you want to get in the Mandingo business?

• Calvin Candie : Now, now, now, now, now. No beggin', no playin' on my soft heart. You in trouble now, son. Now, I done paid five hundred dollars for you. And when I pay five hundred dollars, I expect to get five fights outta a nigga 'fore he roll over and play dead. I done said I'm runnin' a business here. You've fought three fights.

• Calvin Candie : Now, seein' as you won't pay a penny for this pickaninny here, you won't mind me handlin' this nigger however I see fit?

  Django : He's your nigga.

  Calvin Candie : Mr. Stonesipher, let Marsha and her bitches send D'Artagnan to nigger heaven.

• Dr. King Schultz : Oh, Monsieur Candie, about that matter about the nigger girl we were talking about?

  Calvin Candie : Nigger gal?

  Dr. King Schultz : I believe you mentioned she spoke German?

  Calvin Candie : Ah, yes, Hildi, what about her?

  Dr. King Schultz : Do you think before the demonstration you could send her to my room?

  Calvin Candie : You little Dickens, you. I don't see why not.

• Calvin Candie : Though they may be good in the kitchen... adult supervision is required.