- [first lines]
- Victoria Chase: Oh, hi, Ohio. I'm Victoria Chase, and this exceedingly handsome blue-eyed gentleman is Dave...
- Dave: Selleck.
- Victoria Chase: Selleck. Yeah, head of the Community Gardens project.
- Dave: Uh, we're taking abandoned downtown real estate and using it to teach inner-city kids what it takes to grow food.
- Victoria Chase: Excellent. Now, I-I don't know if you're familiar with my reporting, but uh, I'm rather famous for saying what the viewers are thinking. And clearly what the viewers are thinking is: do you ever have the urge to remove your flannel shirt?
- Dave: Excuse me?
- Victoria Chase: Well, you know, like you're out on a tractor and the sun is beating down on your powerful shoulders and, you know, you're kind of slick with man-sweat and you think "Ah, what the heck!" and you just whip it off.
- Dave: Ah... no.
- Victoria Chase: You ought to try it sometime.
- Max: Elka, I can't be alone in Florida; the women are all over me. I'm like a Cheeto in a flock of seagulls.
- Joy Scroggs: What's that stuff?
- Melanie Moretti: It's *mock* macaroni and cheese. And the beauty of it: there's no macaroni, and no cheese.
- Joy Scroggs: Yes, nothing ruins macaroni and cheese like macaroni and cheese.
- Joy Scroggs: You know, they say if you love something, set it free. But I've never understood that. I say if you love something lock it in the basement and feed it through a slot in the door until it loves you back.
- [last lines]
- Victoria Chase: My hot gardener went back to his ex-wife.
- Elka Ostrovsky: Those first wives'll get you every time.
- Victoria Chase: Yeah. Well, I'll get over it, but... he was a good man. And God, could he fill a pair of jeans. Now, he had a butt like two scoops of ice cream.
- Elka Ostrovsky: Max too. Soft serve, but the same idea.
- Joy Scroggs: I don't care how hot he is, I could never date a do-gooder. They're always so into nature. And eventually that leads to camping. And the next thing you know you're doing that walk of shame into the woods with a rough brown roll of eco-friendly Toilet paper.