- German Officer: What are you doing here?
- River Song: Well, I was on my way to this gay Gypsy bar mitzvah for the disabled when I suddenly thought "Gosh, the Third Reich's a bit rubbish. I think I'll kill the Fuehrer." Who's with me?
- The Doctor: Rory, take Hitler and put him in that cupboard over there. Now. Do it.
- Rory: Right. Putting Hitler in the cupboard. Cupboard. Hitler. Hitler. Cupboard. Come on.
- Adolf Hitler: But I am the Führer!
- Rory: Right. In you go.
- Rory: Doctor, River was brainwashed to kill you right?
- The Doctor: Well, she did kill me. And then she used her remaining lives to bring me back. As first dates go, I'd say that was mixed signals.
- Adolf Hitler: Thank you, whoever you are. I believe you have just saved my life.,
- The Doctor: Believe me, it was an accident.
- 1st antibody: Welcome. You are unauthorized. Your death will now be implemented.
- 2nd antibody: Welcome. You will experience a tingling sensation and then death.
- 2nd antibody: Remain calm while your life is extracted.
- Amy Pond: OK, Doctor, explain what's happening, please!
- The Doctor: "Mels," short for...?
- Mels: Melody.
- Amy Pond: Yeah, I named my daughter after her.
- The Doctor: You named your daughter... after your daughter.
- Amy Pond: Where are we?
- The Doctor: A room.
- Rory: What room?
- The Doctor: I don't know what room. I haven't memorized every room in the universe, I had yesterday off.
- River Song: Hang on! Just something I have to check.
- [exits to bathroom]
- Rory: Is anybody else finding today just a bit difficult? I'm getting a sort of banging in my head.
- Amy Pond: Yeah, I think that's Hitler in the cupboard.
- Rory: That's not helping...
- The Doctor: This isn't the River Song we know yet. This is her right at the start. Doesn't even know her name.
- River Song: [from bathroom] Oh, that's *magnificent*!
- [appears in doorway, beaming]
- River Song: I'm going to wear *lots* of jodhpurs!
- The Doctor: Well, at least I'm not a time-traveling, shape-shifting robot operated by miniaturized cross people. Which I've got to admit, I didn't see coming.
- River Song: [River is shot by German soldiers] Word of advice, boys - never shoot a girl while she's regenerating!
- [Lets out a burst of energy, knocking the soldiers out]
- [Gunshot. Time rotor column with a bullet hole in is expelling a jet of compressed white smoke]
- The Doctor: You shot it! You shot my TARDIS! You shot the console!
- Mels: It's your fault!
- The Doctor: Aaah! How is it my fault?
- Mels: You said guns didn't work in this place! You said, "We're in a state of temporal grace"!
- The Doctor: Oh, that was a clever lie, you idiot! Anyone could tell that was a *clever lie*!
- Amelia Pond: Why are you always in trouble? You're the most in trouble in the whole school, except for boys.
- Young Mels: And you.
- Amelia Pond: I count as a boy.
- Mels: It's all right for you. You've got Mr. Perfect keeping you right.
- Amy Pond: [thinking Mels means the Doctor, tosses the model TARDIS back to Mels] He's not even real. Just a stupid dream when I was a kid.
- Mels: I wasn't talking about him.
- [Mels looks over at Rory going out the door]
- Amy Pond: What, Rory?
- [Rory freezes-"Oh my god!"-in the open door]
- Amy Pond: How have I "got" Rory?
- Rory: [nervously, covering] Yeah. How... how's she "got" me?
- Amy Pond: He's not mine.
- Rory: No... No.
- [quietly]
- Rory: I'm not hers.
- Mels: Come on. Seriously. It's got to be you two.
- [pause, Rory in fear, Amy not getting it]
- Mels: Oh, cut to the song, it's getting boring.
- Amy Pond: Nice thought, okay? But completely impossible.
- Rory: [looks to Amy, crushed, swallows] Yeah, ihh- impossible.
- Amy Pond: I mean, I'd love to. He's gorgeous. He's my favorite guy.
- [pats Rory on the shoulder]
- Amy Pond: But he's, you know...
- Amy Pond, Rory: [simultaneously] ... gay. /... a friend.
- [Rory and Amy look at each other]
- Rory: I'm not gay.
- Amy Pond: Yes, you are.
- Rory: No. No I'm not.
- Amy Pond: Of course you are, don't be stupid. In the whole time I've known you, when have you shown the slightest interest in a *girl*?
- Mels: [rotating TARDIS model in her hands] Penny in the air.
- Amy Pond: I mean, I've known you for what, ten years? I've seen you practically every day. Name one girl you've paid the *slightest* bit of attention to.
- [Pale, panicked, and perfectly paralyzed of voice, his secret crush now implicitly revealed, Rory turns tail and runs out. Mels giggles]
- Amy Pond: [astonished, realizing his feelings for her, Amy looks to Mels while pointing at herself, silently mouthing] Me?
- [aloud]
- Amy Pond: Oh my... god! Rory?
- [Amy runs out after Rory]
- Mels: [gets up, giving the model a toss in the air] And the penny drops!
- Amy Pond: Rory! Come back!
- Mels: [to Amy's model TARDIS] Catch you later, time-boy.
- [Mels tosses the TARDIS model to the bed, which becomes the real TARDIS tumbling through the clouds]
- Antibody: Welcome. You are unauthorized. Your death will now be implemented.
- [repeated line]
- River Song: I'm all yours, sweetie.
- The Doctor: Only River Song gets to call me that.
- River Song: And who's River Song?
- The Doctor: An old friend of mine.
- River Song: Stupid name.
- The Doctor: You see? There you go again. Basically skipping 31 whole minutes when I'm absolutely fine. It's Scottish, that's all I'm saying.
- TARDIS Voice Interface: You will be fine for 31 minutes. You will be dead in 32 minutes.
- The Doctor: Scotland's never conquered anywhere, you know. Not even a Shetland.
- The Doctor: If you were in a hurry, you could have killed me in the cornfield.
- River Song: We'd only just met. I'm a psychopath, I'm not rude.
- River Song: Ladies and gentlemen, I don't have a thing to wear.
- [points guns]
- River Song: Take off your clothes!
- Amy Pond: I don't understand, OK? One minute she's going to marry you and then kill you.
- The Doctor: Ah, she's been brainwashed, it makes sense to her. Plus, she is a woman.
- The Doctor: [clutching his abdomen in agony after being poisoned] "Ugh, kidneys are always the first to quit!"
- Female Teacher: Mels, did you understand the question? I'm asking you why the Titanic sank.
- Young Mels: Because the Doctor didn't save it. Except you don't know about the Doctor because you're stupid.