Two and a Half Men (TV Series)
A Pudding-Filled Cactus (2010)
Jon Cryer: Alan Harper
Photos
Quotes
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Alan Harper : [after texting his girlfriend to break up with her, he gets her return text] Oh, Melissa is not taking it well.
Charlie Harper : [takes the phone and reads] "I hate you, you stupid... cork soaker?"
Alan Harper : Auto spell-check. Anyway, I gotta go.
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Melissa : [after making love with Alan] Can we do this again?
Alan Harper : Again? Well, maybe you can do it again, but men are different!
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Alan Harper : [after cheating on Lyndsey with Melissa] It was a crazy impulse. Old girlfriend. It was a one-time thing. Uh, well, technically, it was a two-time thing. Second one was in the shower.
Charlie Harper : Well, that *is* where you've been practicing!
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Charlie Harper : [Showing his disgust at Alan sleeping with Melissa while living with Lyndsey] I'm experienced at promiscuity. *This* is polygamy! And frankly, I find it extremely distasteful!
Alan Harper : Oh, *this* you find distasteful? The man who was asked to leave Bangkok for moral turpitude... finds *this* distasteful?
Charlie Harper : That was a misunderstanding. I had no idea it was an endangered species!
Alan Harper : Nothing I'm doing requires a 10-day quarantine... and a series of rabies shots!
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Alan Harper : Oh, my God. Lyndsey is apologizing to me, ha, ha... says she was wrong!
Charlie Harper : About what?
Alan Harper : What difference does it make?
[laughing with joy]
Alan Harper : I won an argument with a woman!
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Charlie Harper : [Seeing Alan texting with this phone] What are you doing?
Alan Harper : Telling Melissa it's over.
Evelyn Harper : [Exasperated] With a text?
Alan Harper : Well, I'm putting a little sad face at the end.
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Alan Harper : [after breaking up with Melissa] Well, uh, I guess it's time to go home... and come clean with Lyndsey.
Charlie Harper : No, no, no! No coming clean! Unless you're banging Mr. Bubble.
Alan Harper : I don't want to build our new life together on a foundation of lies.
Evelyn Harper : Oh, yes, you do!
Charlie Harper : Listen to your mother!
Evelyn Harper : Trust me. No good ever comes from revealing an indiscretion.
Alan Harper : And you know this, how?
Evelyn Harper : I'd rather not say.
Alan Harper : You're saying when you were married...
Evelyn Harper : Whoa, whoa. When did everything become about me?
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Alan Harper : [Alan goes to Charlie's house to see Melissa and tries to lie about secretly living with Lyndsey] I would've been home earlier, but we had a, uh, little situation at the office.
Charlie Harper : [Knowing that Alan is lying and trying to expose him] Oh, no! What happened?
Alan Harper : Um, well, I, uh, lost a patient.
Melissa : Oh, my God! Someone died?
Alan Harper : Oh, no, no. Not, you know, lost like died. Uh, more like, uh, uh, misplaced.
Melissa : Oh, thank goodness.
Charlie Harper : Alan, I'm just wondering. How does a chiropractor misplace a patient?
Alan Harper : Good question.
Charlie Harper : I thought so!
Alan Harper : Well, uh, he's an elderly fellow... uh, who in addition to scoliosis... also has dementia. I just spent the last hour and a half driving up Ventura Boulevard... looking for a, you know, shirtless, hunched-over, 80-year-old man. Found quite a few, heh. But, uh, none of them were mine.
Melissa : [Looking concerned] So, he's still out there?
Alan Harper : Yeah.
Charlie Harper : [Feigning seriousness] Did you call the police?
Alan Harper : Yes, Charlie, I did.
Charlie Harper : [Continuing to sound serious] What did they say?
Alan Harper : They thanked me for my help... and told me to go home and let them do their job. So here I am. Home. Better late than never.
Charlie Harper : Oh, please! You've never given never a chance!