Office Christmas Party (2016)
Jason Bateman: Josh Parker
Photos
Quotes
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Josh Parker : [re Mary's mini-van] Can this thing handle snow?
Mary : Oh, please. It's a Kia. It's what God would drive.
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Josh Parker : Hey, Allison! Is Clay in there?
Allison : [Talking on the phone to her ex-husband] You fucking motherfucker! If I hear you let your stripper girlfriend put my children on her motorcycle one more time, I will Gone Girl you so hard.
[covers the phone and smiles at Josh]
Allison : Hey, Josh! You can go right in!
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Josh Parker : [to the Russian thug whom Carol has pinned against the pool table] You do not want to die at the hands of Lululemon here. It'd be real embarrassing. You're a large guy, and she's made of nothing but salad and Smartwater.
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Jeremy : Mary just fucking cited me! Okay? I thought this was a party. If I want to dick tap Alan, I'm gonna dick tap Alan. That's a timeless gag! Never not funny!
Josh Parker : [tries to shoo him away] Okay, off you go.
Jeremy : She is like a poisonous fucking cloud of shit gas, like, just seeping into everybody's good time. Every word she says makes my fucking hemorrhoids throb! I want that on the record!
Josh Parker : It is.
[Jeremy leaves]
Walter Davis : He's in customer service?
Josh Parker : Yeah. He's much better on the phone.
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Mary : [grabs Josh's arm to stop him from leaving the mini-van] Because I don't know what's gonna happen in there. Last year, I filed a sexual harassment complaint against myself.
Josh Parker : Against yourself. Mmm-hmm.
Mary : Andrew, in the copy room, he was changing the toner. And I pretended to drop something on the ground so that I could bend over and graze his butt with my nose. And I did.
Josh Parker : That doesn't seem that bad.
Mary : And then I said, "If you don't fuck me, buster, I will ruin you."
Josh Parker : Hmm. That's harassment.
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Josh Parker : [sees a guy getting beaten] Maybe he deserved it, who knows.
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Josh Parker : Mary, why do you even have a minivan? You don't have kids.
Mary : I buy in bulk!
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Clay Vanstone : Nobody is losing their jobs!
Josh Parker : Yeah.
Clay Vanstone : That is a Josh and Clay Christmas promise.
Jeremy : Your promises are dog shit!
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Clay Vanstone : [picks up a hair trimmer] Hey, what about this for Alan from legal?
Josh Parker : Well, Alan's bald.
Clay Vanstone : [puts the trimmer down] It's so hard to shop for the bald. Who are they? What do they want?
Josh Parker : Hair.
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Carol Vanstone : [to Clay, who is driving Trina's car] Pull over, you fucking idiot!
Josh Parker : [to Carol as he drives Mary's mini-van] Or... the nice, supportive version.
Carol Vanstone : [to Clay] Pull over! Fucking idiot!
Clay Vanstone : No!
Carol Vanstone : [to Trina] Hey, tell him to pull over, lady!
Trina : [to Carol] Look!
[puts her gun to Clay's right temple]
Trina : Pull over!
[puts her gun under Clay's chin]
Trina : Pull over!
[puts her gun to Clay's forehead]
Trina : Pull over! It doesn't work!
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Josh Parker : You... You thought you'd bring the kid, huh?
Dean : Yeah. We couldn't get anyone to watch him. But don't worry, he has an iPad. We could axe murder each other and he wouldn't even notice. He'll just sit there with that dumb look on his face.
[the boy looks at Josh with the "dumb look"]
Dean : Yeah, that's the one.
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Josh Parker : Put the RedBull down.
