Dark Horse (2011)
Jordan Gelber: Abe
Photos
Quotes
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Abe : We're all horrible people. Humanity's a fucking cesspool. People look in the mirror every fucking day and lie to themselves, saying they're good or caring or loving, but deep down - not so deep down - they only care about themselves. People... People treat you like shit, every fucking day, and then they act like other people are shit... so they get a pet that's all cute and cuddly, but even an animal knows the hard, primal truth: It is all about what you want; and, if there's any kindness or generosity, it only comes after being well-fed, or having good sex, or knowing that you weren't wiped out like all the other suckers on Wall Street.
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Abe : You know, if it wasn't for my dad, I could've been a singer.
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Abe : I'm not a kid.
Marie : I know. Next thing you know, you'll be fifty and your life will be over, and you'll still be living at home.
Abe : You know, it costs a lot of money to move out. I'm not rich!
Marie : You're a cheapskate and a freeloader. Face it.
Abe : There're my parents! They need me!
Marie : No. Grow up. No one needs you.
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Abe : I was supposed to be the dark horse.
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Abe : [showing Miranda his room, which is full of action figures, toys and posters of Doctor Who, Lord of the Rings and Thundercats] Don't worry, I am not a Trekkie or anything super-nerdy like that.
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Phyllis : Maybe you should go back into therapy.
Abe : Psychiatrists are idiots! The whole profession is a joke! I know my problems better than anyone and there's no solution.
Phyllis : Dr. Sonnenschein...
Abe : Dr. Sonnenschein's the biggest fucking idiot of them all!
Phyllis : He helped your father and me. He helped us with our marriage. Remember, we almost got a divorce.
Abe : You should have gotten divorced.
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Abe : I'm moving out.
Phyllis : Where are you gonna go?
Abe : Away. As far away as possible.
Phyllis : Do you need any money?
Abe : I have savings, I don't need anyone's help. I mean, like, mom, I'm...
Phyllis : Remember, I'm always here for you.
[she kisses him and starts to leave the room]
Abe : Mom?
Phyllis : Yes, honey?
Abe : Actually, you know, you never did pay up for my Backgammon winnings.
Phyllis : Oh. Well, I'll write you a check in the morning.
Abe : $845 as of October 4th.
Phyllis : You're always so good with dates and numbers. Hey, you wanna play a quick round, just for fun?
Abe : First, the check.
Phyllis : Can I pay you in installments?
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Abe : Miranda, I know this might take you by surprise, I mean, like, totally wild and crazy, I know. I'm just a dark horse at heart, but I always just tell myself "Abe, go for it!"
Miranda : Uh-huh.
Abe : Miranda, I wanna marry you. Will you accept? Don't say anything. Just think about it. I know. It's totally crazy. I know. I just wanted to put it out there, let you know how I feel, but let's just push that aside for now. You wanna go to the movies, do to the mall or somethin', pick up some tacos?
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Abe : [at the toy store customer service counter] I'm looking for my financeé.
Jiminy : I'm sorry. We don't carry any fianceés here.
Abe : But I know she's here.
Jiminy : Maybe you'd like to try one of our other outlets?
Abe : Look, I just told you she's here! Do I have to talk to the store manager?
Jiminy : Sorry. He's out for lunch, but he'll be back in a few minutes, if you'd like to wait.
Abe : No, I would not like to wait. I paid for a financeé and I want her now!
Jiminy : Maybe you'd like to flip through our catalogue. We could special order for you, if you'd like, but I'm afraid, once a purchase has been opened, it can't be returned - store policy.
Abe : But I have a receipt.